August 3, 2008 · 1:24 am

Speech to the Shareholders at the Annual Meeting

The transcript of the annual May & Muhn Manufacturing Company stockholders meeting, May 3rd, 2008:

The meeting will come to order.  Would everyone please be seated?  Please?  Come on, the bagel cart will still be there when I’m done.  Oh, it won’t?  Well anyway, welcome, shareholders, I’m glad to see so many of you made the effort to be here today.  I’m surprised, actually, I didn’t know you’d find the place.  My assistant accidentally put the wrong address on the invites, I’m sure you noticed, haha.  It said we’d be in Springfield, Massachusetts, but you still found your way here, to Illinois.  How industrious of you all.

I’m sure you’re all wondering after the well being of the board of directors.  Rest assured, they are being treated very well, and can finally receive visitors and spend up to an hour a day in the yard.  Their interrogation went on longer than expected before they fessed up to their alleged crimes, and now they are being fed human food and are in the general population up in Joliet.  So that’s good news, huh? Continue reading →

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July 30, 2008 · 4:04 am

Excerpts from My New Masterwork – The Bible, Part II!

Excerpts from the various books of the forthcoming bestseller The Bible, Part II, perhaps with the subtitle Revenge of the Christ:

 

The Book of Exposition 2: 3-5

And the again risen Jesus decided the most pressing concern of His now that He’d crawled from the grave was the need to take a shower.  An unholy funk clung to the Christ enough so as to water the eyes of passers by, whom Jesus misinterpreted as being ardent, overcome followers.  He passed by them, laying on hands for a quick blessing, and made His way to the nearest public spicket, whilst those touched by the Lord vomited in his wake.

The Book of Angina 7:14-18

And the wayfaring Jesus thus reached the Isthmus of Tehuantepec, where He was greeted by the four headed monster Beelazarus of the seabound zombie nation of San Salvador.  Jesus recognized the vile beast as having once been the man He’d resurrected from the dead many years earlier, and now found it ironic that He would have to send the creature back to the afterlife.  And, as is His wont, Jesus wept. Continue reading →

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July 29, 2008 · 5:16 am

My Destiny as Pertains to a Writing Endeavor

Famed author.  Presidential candidate.  Teen Wolf enthusiast. With all these titles under my belt, and all these planned-for accomplishments piling up like forgotten mail, what else could I possibly have room on my dance card for in the coming weeks, months, and years?  What psychotically huge and controversial project could I sink my teeth into for anywhere from one to three hours a month for the remainder of my life?  Well, it’s a doozy.  A writing project, a writing challenge, and it’s a sequel to something I didn’t begin.

 

“What a hack!” you are undoubtedly muttering to the kid next to you at Starbucks, upon the reading of this.  Well leave that kid alone.  He doesn’t care for your hullabaloo anymore than I do, and that ain’t much, sister.  It’s not like I’ve decided to tackle an unauthorized Harry Potter 8, or the fourth of The Three Musketeers, or Mobiest Dick, no no.  What I have in mind is much grander, and steeped in that noblest of all pursuits – straight cash, homey. Continue reading →

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July 24, 2008 · 8:29 pm

The X-Files Shipper-Con 2008 Fraught With Unruhe (Unrest)

The normally peaceful all-things-X-Files convention Shipper-Con was rocked this past weekend by controversy and destruction, as a barrage of statements from series creator Chris Carter and subsequent rioting by the paying attendees nearly resulted in Vancouver being placed under martial law.

 

Carter stated unequivocally that he believes the show went “off the rails” when they decided to hook the main characters up.  He blamed this, surprisingly, on the fans.

 

“Why anyone would want to see Mulder and Scully together romantically is beyond me,” Carter said to the packed auditorium.  “I mean, what’s wrong with you people?  Mulder is a single minded, paranoid, porn lover.  You think that’s appealing in a man?  Plus, during the course of the series nearly all of Scully’s family died because of this guy.  Is that endearing?  You fans, you wanted to see this happen, and David thought he was going to be a movie star or something and leave, so we sold out.  I sold the premise of the show right down the damn river.  Thanks a lot, fans.  Great work.” Continue reading →

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July 22, 2008 · 5:18 am

First Campaign Poster!

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July 21, 2008 · 6:58 pm

The Quest for the 2016 White House Begins

The race for the 2016 Presidency is now well underway, and honestly, things could have started off better in Camp Cetta, that’s for damn sure.  Thus far we’ve raised approximately squat to fund the campaign, making it hard to hire staff, and harder to afford bribes, plus we are yet to be approached by civic organizations, lobbyists, special interest groups, the mafia and/or a political party willing to endorse or even recognize our efforts.  Our headquarters, currently located in the laundry room of our building, is still without so much as a banner, and our offer to appear on Hardball to discuss the issues of the future with Chris Matthews has gone unaccepted.  Things are looking kinda bleak here on day five.

 

Nonetheless we press on. Despite our fiscal and masculine shortcomings, some events this past week showed promise for the long haul.  The candidate (me) pressed the flesh while strolling past the Sheffield Garden Walk, but accidentally, as I didn’t negotiate the sidewalk well and went hands first into a group of DePaul students, who were not appreciative of my mauling.  I then chose to pass up actually entering the event, as I felt the cover charge for such a thing was, in so many words, “egregious.”  (The actual word used was more colorful and related to feces) Continue reading →

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July 18, 2008 · 5:07 am

Man, I’ve Got to Fall Asleep

Shit.  This is ridiculous.  I’ve been laying here for an hour.  I’ve got to fall asleep.  I’m exhausted!  How the hell is it that I’m not asleep?  I’m wide awake!  This is bullshit.

“And crazy learner’s permit girl gave me a ride to Babbage’s.”

Aw Christ, and now I’ve got that stuck in my head.  Great.  I can’t fall asleep and this damn cartoon song is running through my head.  Fantastic.  I’m fucked.  No way I’m going to work tomorrow.  But I can’t not go in.  But I’m worthless if I don’t get some sleep.  Maybe I should take some pills.  Maybe I should take some Nyquil.  Sarah’s still got some of that Tylenol PM, that shit knocked me the hell out last time.  She still has that, right?  Did it expire?  I don’t think so.  But if I get up, it’ll be that much longer before I fall asleep. Continue reading →

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July 17, 2008 · 8:06 pm

Pixar’s WALL•E – “A Masterpiece”

The landscape of cinema and entertainment was irrevocably altered on June 28th of this year, with the release of Pixar’s latest computer animated epic, WALL·E, which proved itself to be not only the best yet production of the Disney-owned company, but to be unquestionably, inarguably the greatest motion picture ever made. 

The Best Film of All-Time

That’s right.  Ever.  And it’s not even close.  This is a film in a class so distinctly its own that it barely can be squeezed into the existing parameters of how we define a movie.  It so outdoes everything that’s come before that it is almost like watching some new, far superior form of entertainment unlikely ever to be duplicated. Continue reading →

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July 16, 2008 · 1:11 am

A Major Announcement for This Guy, and For America

Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell.  This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs.  Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.

 

Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community.  America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always).  Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor.  And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.

 

I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions:  1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. Continue reading →

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July 15, 2008 · 4:35 am

Lousy, Rotten Words

 Over the years while writing, or more often reading, I’ve run across a select group of words that I just don’t care for.  For the most part it’s nothing I have personal against the words. They never stole my woman or cheated me at cards or lured me into a van with candy as a boy.  No, it’s more the manner in which they were foisted on me that grinds my gears. 

 

There are things in this world that I absolutely hate, but the words naming them aren’t necessarily words I can’t tolerate.  Panda is a fine example of this.  As some of you may know, I hate pandas with all the passion normally reserved by the American male for the NFL, Coors Light, and Las Vegas.  I abhor pandas.  I can’t stand them. Their entire existence and society’s insistence that it continues despite any bit of interest in it displayed by the fluffy ignoramuses boggles my mind.  But the word panda itself isn’t verboten with me.  Hell, I liked Kung Fu Panda quite a bit. Continue reading →

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July 10, 2008 · 11:57 pm

Fun and Informative Online Survey Time!

Back in the day, people used to email surveys around to their friends, with a bundle of generic questions on them, so their friends could get to know them better, and in theory would then fill out these surveys themselves, perpetuating a cycle of information exchange and harmless secrets being divulged.

 

Then Myspace came along and turned this innocuous novelty into an even bigger pile of time wasting than it already was.  Now there were surveys about every stupid thing imaginable, from your favorite sport survey to favorite Gatorade flavor surveys to Do You Remember the 80s? surveys to Do You Remember Last Thursday? surveys.  Survey overload commenced, and yet people still fill this silly shit out.  Usually it’s the same people filling out essentially the same survey over and over again. 

 

Hey, that’s fine, do what you like, but how do you think the surveys feel about this?  They aren’t taken seriously by anyone, not even their moms and pops (which I guess would be the archaic email surveys).  They are used to blow a half hour before passing out in the wee small hours of the morning.  So what happens when the surveys finally have enough and put your sorry ass in its place?  Well, worry no longer, because I encountered one of these pissed off motherfathers the other day… Continue reading →

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July 6, 2008 · 6:03 pm

My Executive Cover Letter

Here is a variation on the cover letter I sent around when I first arrived, in search of employment:

Joe, the Future Veep of Your Co.

Chicago, IL 60614

 

June 1, 2008

 

Re: Open bank Vice-President position

 

Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, or otherwise,

 

I am writing in regards to the available bank Vice-President position you have posted on Craigslist.  I feel with no little exaggeration that I can step in tomorrow and execute the demands of the role to within an inch of perfection.  So confident am I in fact that I suggest the current President best start scouting condos in Rehoboth Beach, because retirement is nigh. Continue reading →

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July 5, 2008 · 10:51 pm

The Great Chicago Experiment – What’s Past is Prologue!

Probably the best thing about living in Chicago I’ve got to say is not having a car.  In Scranton, there was no having a job or going out or being seen as a respectable member of society if I didn’t have a car.  It was just a given, it was a necessity.  But here, a car?  What the hell would I do with a car?

 

Besides having the highest gas prices in the country (allegedly), there is also nowhere to park.  Were I to drive to work, between garages and filling up I’d be blowing nearly the whole paycheck on the lousy car.  The girlfriend drives to the suburbs every day for work and even though her car gets roughly a thousand miles to the gallon (I have no idea) she’s still filling up twice a week or more.  So no car is awesome. Continue reading →

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July 2, 2008 · 4:39 am

The Movie Event of Our Time Arrives July 18th, 2008

A perfect storm of a media blitz, incessant buzz, A-list filmmakers and cast, and being centered around one of the most beloved institutions of popular culture the world has ever known has created what will likely go down as the seminal entertainment event in the lives of everyone currently sucking oxygen on July the 18th.  In a summer that has already born witness to smash critical and commercials hits the like of Iron Man, Kung Fu Panda, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and Sex and the City, the granddaddy of them all is about to be unleashed on a ravenous public, and cinema, humanity, the concept of enjoyment, and the sublimity of being are about to be changed forever.

 

Space Chimps blasts off in theaters on July 18th. Continue reading →

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July 1, 2008 · 4:24 am

The Great Chicago Experiment 2! or “I did not sign up for this, crazy old lady!”

There are two subversive forces at work in the apartment complex I live in (three, if you count the mailman).  The first of these is a cat I cannot curse at enough.  Sarah has claimed that one of these days, Chester (as she has christened him) will be living with us, and I have said in no uncertain terms that we will have had to have death-matched and I’ll have to have lost for that to have come to be.

 

(Please note in the most previous sentence to this, I used “had,” “has” twice, and “have” a ridiculous six times.  I’m not proud, but point it out and I’d like to invite you to come stare at my high-falutin’ writing degree sometime.  So just shut yer yap!) Continue reading →

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