Tag Archives: President

Historians Declare Obama Best President in U.S. History

obama-190308_20526tWASHINGTON D.C. – A group of historians polled by Georgetown University has named Barack Obama the best President in the history of the United States.  Not wanting to be seen as premature, a spokesman for the group stated that based on what the president has planned for the country, and assuming all campaign and inaugural promises come to pass, Obama’s legacy will absolutely trounce that of all previous occupiers of the Oval Office.

“We felt we waited long enough in making this inevitable declaration,” historian Albert Hedgefellow said at the press conference this morning.  “It’s obvious to anyone with a knowledge of world events and conjecture that President Obama will end up with accomplishments greatly outnumbering those of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Franklin Roosevelt combined.”

Despite his first year in office so far being marred by an ugly battle over healthcare reform, increased fighting in Afganistan, and Chicago losing its bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, the 44th President’s announcements concerning the greatness of life in the future and potential of the world to come has been more than enough for many. Continue reading

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John McCain Claims He Was in Predator, Too

With various polls showing him trailing Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama by a substantial margin, Republican nominee John McCain made a stunning announcement yesterday that he too appeared in the 1987 sci-fi action hit Predator, along side future governors Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, with hopes that this would convince young voters that he was not only qualified for the Presidency, but also that he was “cool,” “hip,” and “with it.”

“I have been reluctant to share the details of my involvement in the film for many years,” McCain told a surprised crowd at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver.  “This is mostly because filming occurred during my first run for the Senate, and I thought it would reflect badly if the people of Arizona knew I was skipping off to Mexico for weeks at a time to make this action film.  But yes, I too was in Predator.  No one has recognized this all these years because I, in fact, was the Predator.”

"Six hours in the make-up chair, every day."

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Our Ever Evolving Campaign Platform

As Team Cetta continues to solicit for advice and bribes, the campaign itself has begun to develop and adjust its opinions on the issues of the day.  I would like to announce first off that we’ve decided to alter the one concrete stance taken thus far and state that we are now unequivocally Pro-Clown.  After some deep soul searching, plus the truckload of honking noses and unicycles generously donated to the warchest, we chose to support clown efforts worldwide, despite the villainy of the Joker.

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First Campaign Poster!

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The Quest for the 2016 White House Begins

The race for the 2016 Presidency is now well underway, and honestly, things could have started off better in Camp Cetta, that’s for damn sure.  Thus far we’ve raised approximately squat to fund the campaign, making it hard to hire staff, and harder to afford bribes, plus we are yet to be approached by civic organizations, lobbyists, special interest groups, the mafia and/or a political party willing to endorse or even recognize our efforts.  Our headquarters, currently located in the laundry room of our building, is still without so much as a banner, and our offer to appear on Hardball to discuss the issues of the future with Chris Matthews has gone unaccepted.  Things are looking kinda bleak here on day five.

 

Nonetheless we press on. Despite our fiscal and masculine shortcomings, some events this past week showed promise for the long haul.  The candidate (me) pressed the flesh while strolling past the Sheffield Garden Walk, but accidentally, as I didn’t negotiate the sidewalk well and went hands first into a group of DePaul students, who were not appreciative of my mauling.  I then chose to pass up actually entering the event, as I felt the cover charge for such a thing was, in so many words, “egregious.”  (The actual word used was more colorful and related to feces) Continue reading

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A Major Announcement for This Guy, and For America

Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell.  This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs.  Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.

 

Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community.  America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always).  Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor.  And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.

 

I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions:  1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. Continue reading

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