Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell. This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs. Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.
Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community. America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always). Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor. And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.
I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions: 1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States.
You read that right, folks. I am formally throwing my hat in the ring (the one with the Old Style emblem on it, in case you were wondering) and declaring my intention to run for the highest office in the land. The Commander in Chief. The King of Washington D.C. The man in the big chair in the Oval Office. Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact. This guy.
Now, before you run out to make up flyers and launch the grassroots campaigns, there is a post script you should be aware of. Yes, I’m running, but it’s not in this year’s election. Not that I don’t think I’d win, mind you. I’d down Obama like a shot of Jager and trample McCain like my nickname’s Pamplona. But, alas, I’m afraid the laws of the land prevent yours truly from entering the contest at this time. Born too late, that’s practically my middle name.
So suffer through for a few years, kids. Salvation is on the way, in the form of one transplanted Scrantonite with a penchant for cartoons, liquor, and fajita burritos, in that order. ‘Cause the quest for the presidency in the election of 2016 is officially underway, and as I’m the only declared candidate at this point, I’m technically the front runner. We’re off to a good start!
I know at this point you’re asking yourselves “What can I do so that this dreamy future of a Joe White House becomes a reality for us as a presently forlorn people?” Well, first and foremost, we need to get the warchest stocked, so start donating money by the fistful to the primary campaign. Make out personal checks, or send your bucks through paypal.com, to me, and the more the better, which incidentally will increase the likelihood of you securing a position on my cabinet. I can also just about guarantee that a donation upwards of a C note puts you in the running to be my vice-president. How’s that sound? Want on the ticket? That’s all you gotta do, Cochise!
So mark your calendar. November 8th, 2016. Just north of three thousand days from now. That’s the day when this guy sweeps to victory as the 45th (or 46th, or 47th, barring assassinations) President of the United States. And you can be a part right here from day one! Join now!
Principles and platform still under construction.