I wonder where the WD-40 is? I thought I left it…wait a minute. It wouldn’t be in the shower. Why did I think I left it in the shower? What am I doing in the shower? And where are my pants all of a sudden?
I’ve gotta sit down. Man my head hurts. Aspirin. This ice bag is really cold, I should get a towel or something and wrap around it. Where is that towel? And when did all this ice melt? This is just a bag of water. I just got the cubes out of the…is that clock right?
Crap, do I have a concussion?
What the he-
Oh man, that Fettuccine Alfredo really turned on me. I feel horrible. I better lay down. But what if I have a concussion? Isn’t it bad to lay down? What was that woman’s name, who died of the concussion? Some actress? No, I don’t have a concussion, I just bumped my head. Wow, is that clock broken? How can it be half past five already? It was noon a few minutes ago.
Hungry now. Hopefully that’s it for the vomiting. Maybe the leftover Fettuccine Alfredo. Oh wait, that might’ve got me sick. Here, leftover chicken parm. Perfect. Oh, I forgot a…what’s it called. The thing to eat it with. The…wow, what is it called? That thing with the sharp tips you eat with. Oh my God! How can’t I remember it? That metal thing! Not a knife, a…wow! What the hell is wrong with me?
I should go to the hospital. I can’t drive though. Ambulance? Oh man, that’s gonna crush my HMO, I can’t do that. I could walk. But it is all the way across town. That’s not gonna work. Wait a minute, where’s my wife? She should be home soon, after all it’s half past…eight?! When did it get to be eight? And where the hell is Mary?
Jeez, did I eat with my hands? I’m a mess! Well I couldn’t find a…what’s it called. (What’s it called?!) Gotta wash up. Wait, there’s Mary. Asleep already? But it’s only…midnight! Midnight?! I don’t understand. How the fork did the night just disappear like that? And shouldn’t she have taken me to the hospital?
Christ! Oh wait, plastic wristband. I was at the hospital. Or a very particular, insurance-based nightclub. But I think I’d remember that. But shouldn’t I remember the hospital? Well at least I went. That’s good. Probably won’t die then, right? So why is the old brain so wonky?
Gotta lay down. But if I’ve got a concussion, I shouldn’t lay…didn’t I already cover this? And if I went to the hospital, they must be cool with me laying down, right? I wonder if there’s anymore chicken parm, or if I ate it all. The hell with it, going to sleep.