[The previous account of Stevie and his clones can be found in Me and My Nineteen (Remaining) Clones]
18 November 2025 – These have been some dark times for me and my eighteen clones. No, not because Fredward’s aorta went up like the Challenger – it’s November, and these jerk clones never let one pass without reminding me how I can’t grow facial hair worth a damn! Try as I might, after all these years, I still can only manage an ugly, inconsistent patchwork of clumps. I don’t even bother anymore, but these sons of bitches go all out for this Movember thing, just to jam it to me! Dicks! Even Hensonite! We figured he couldn’t possibly grow anything on his Muppety face – and look at that argyle beard of his! It’s amazing!
(seated, from left: #35 Tedward, Stevie, #4 Hensonite, #9 Tomfoolery; standing, from left: #14 Kevincible, #46 Delano, #48 Magnus, #17 Matrick; wall: #40 Junior; table: #18 Georange)
What’s going on, person? Having a rough go of it? Things not working out quite as planned? Life using you for the sorry, depressed bag of mixed feelings and disappointment you’ve convinced yourself you are? Falling up just short all the time, and not sure what to do?
Well welcome to the bell-ringing, Smitty! I’m here to tell you that you can improve whatever it is you want to by following these simple steps! Hi, I’m a hugely well adjusted and successful individual at things I want to be well adjusted and successful at. And I can share with you my tips for living life that will jump you up multiple levels in your personal growth! The heck, you say? That’s not possible if I don’t know what it is you suck at so badly? Incorrect, amigo! And I’m somewhat offended that you would’ve thought that I didn’t think of that! Continue reading
After an exhaustive worldwide voting process, months of compiling the data, endless quantifying, countless debates, and at least one lawsuit (still pending!), we here at Knowingly Undersold are prepared to share our first World’s Sexiest People (Architects Edition) list! These 25 individuals from around the globe epitomize the raw sensuality and animal magnetism largely identified with rock stars and screen idols, but these folks spent their halcyon days figuring on the best placement for your west staircase, and how many bathrooms could be crammed into a metropolitan art museum. These are the cream of the crop! Get your office pools ready, because here we go!
In no particular order:
Born: Netherlands, 1955
Sexiest work: Euroborg Stadium, Groningen
Interests: Obtuse angles, licorice whips Continue reading
Bad news, America. That late night punching bag and former teen idol with approximately zero talent and charisma, Carson Jones Daly (the man of three last names) is joining The Today Show. Oh sure, this has no real impact on your daily life (or your Daly life). I’m sure you had some vague awareness that the old MTV host was still on television somewhere, and didn’t really care. He’s had a late late night talk show for over a decade, and he functions as the poor man’s Ryan Seacrest on The Voice.
So why is this such bad news? Oh, allow me to explain. Nearly the entirety of my college career saw Total Request Live playing in the afternoons in the Den, the sort-of campus lounge, where you could still smoke and bitch about having nothing to protest. It was at this time that my striking resemblance to the idiot host of this program was first mentioned. Continue reading
You want to be Peter Venkman. Venkman was the only cool guy in the entire movie. It doesn’t get much better than Bill Murray doing his thing at the expense of whoever he shares the screen with. Everyone agrees on this – if you played that game with a group of your friends (“If this was Lost, I’m clearly Charlie!”) about Ghostbusters, everyone hopes their friends would go “Well, you’d be Venkman.” But no, you’re not, you poor delusional slob. None of us are. We’re Louis Tully.
“What?” you ask, outraged. “Louis?!” Yes. Louis. Egon was a goddamn genius. You might think you’re smart, and you might well be, but you’re not Egon. You’re not even Ray. He was the top man in his field almost without question. He didn’t have Egon’s overall brilliance, but he was still the driving force in all their paranormal dealings. You are not the top man in your field. Face it and accept it. And Winston? The paycheck Ghostbuster? No, you’re better than that. Come on! I mean, in the grand day-to-day soul crushing grind, maybe we all collectively identify best with Winston, but deep down, heart of hearts, in your soft squishy soul made of hopes and nougat, you’re Louis Tully, CPA. We’re all Louis Tully. And it’s high time we acknowledge it. Continue reading
Filed under humor, Life, Movies
(standing, from left – Clone #46 Delano, #20 Vitoadie, #48 Magnus, #23 Bobtail, #40 Junior, #14 Kevincible, seated from left #18 Georange, Stevie, #2 Jackwagon, floor #5 Dantopia)
Everyone thinks it must be so cool, having a bunch of clones. That’s what they always tell me. You’ve got this big pack of friends, you can play crazy tricks on girlfriends and neighbors, and you can test drive different hair lengths and styles without messing up your own head. Also (the way it was described to me early on) you’ve got a huge supply of spare organs, an enormous wardrobe, and multiple doppelgangers means high unlikelihood of assassination. It’s been a weird life.
The clinical story has been recounted by the press and biographers hundreds if not thousands of times, but here it is right from Patient X. I’m Stevie and I’ve got nineteen (remaining) clones. Continue reading
In vainglorious attempts to hide the past, I have deceived many about my adolescence and downright lied to all census takers. On resumes I’ve used words like “lacrosse,” “house party,” and “rap battle champion.” But the weight of these obfuscations is on me now like a millstone. I need to unburden my wretched soul! Now the truth can be told. I was a teenage hobbledehoy.
If Updike had authored the screenplay, this would essentially be Rabbit Redux
In truth! The only “house party” I was associated with starred Kid & Play. This is also where I learned about rap battles – from Kid & Play! That’ll tell you how I grew up. And lacrosse? Shit, I’m still not sure how that sport works. It’s like hockey, right? On grass? Isn’t that just field hockey? What the hell, lacrosse?! Continue reading
The author, returning home from his day job
In my long and harried career of not writing for a living, my relationship with my crooked assistants had always been amicable, pleasant, and even enjoyable. Our partnership was one of mutual respect and camaraderie, and the fruits of our time together were considerable. But the years were difficult, and the course grew coarser, and my hoary associates bore the brunt of my opprobrium. It was frustration and weariness in part, but lo, it was largely devil intemperance that led me to ruination – yes, intemperance! I can barely bring myself to copy down the events – so chilling, so horrifying they were, and so recklessly egocentric and jejune I was! But the world needs to know of my epic folly! Read on, if you dare! Continue reading
This week, public outcry reached deafening levels as the classic ABC animated sitcom The Flintstones was lambasted for its perceived intolerance and insensitivity towards homosexuals and their lifestyles. The uproar was largely unexpected, considering how long any Flintstones treatment of the issue would have already been on record.
“For over a half century now, The Flintstones theme song has cavalierly touted that when you’re with them you will have a ‘gay old time,'” CNN anchor Anderson Cooper said on the air Tuesday. “This sort of flip treatment of the homosexual lifestyle, and that it could possibly apply to a family in the stone age, is offensive and outrageous. What are they trying to say about the homosexual community? That it is for neanderthals? For cavemen? How can any reasonable person not be mortified when they hear this song?” Continue reading
It was in the brisk November of 2011 when I lost her again to Johnny Law. This was six months after her daring side-of-the-highway, tilling-the-fields-with-a-pickaxe escape in rural Kansas (is there any other type of Kansas?), and almost a full year since she first became known as inmate #78725439429 in the correctional system.
We had a darling little relationship before then, inmate #78725439429 and me. We lived high on the hog in the Hog Butcher to the World, as Carl Sandberg so romantically put it. It was a different time back then – we were still innocent youths, unfamiliar with prison visiting hours and making weapons out of contraband Oral B toothbrushes. As Archie Bunker sang, those were the days.
Until that fateful evening when the long arm of the law reached across the Mississippi, up through the backwaters of Missouri, stopped off for a quick visit in the Illinois state capital to see Lincoln’s boots, and then continued on north, unfazed by boredom, corn fields, or fireworks advertizing. It plunged its meaty claw into the seedy underbelly of the great city, finally scratching its way to our doorstep – more a barnacle on the underbelly than any sort of pustule or abscess. She was summarily plucked away – guilty as the pecan be crunchy, mind you – and spirited back to America’s heartland. I was left bereft of my convict main squeeze. Continue reading
Filed under humor, Life, Movies
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
Okay, I get the point. Take what you’re given and make the best of it. Or, take something that could be perceived as a negative and turn it into something positive. Right? That’s it, right?
But step back a second, and let’s look at this situation objectively. Life gives you lemons. Lemons aren’t dropping out of the sky, so the more realistic statement would be Someone gives you lemons. That’s neater, no? Now, did you ask for lemons? In that case, win-win. You wanted lemons and guess what? Lemons in hand. But we don’t know that. No back story. This is just one possibility, and honestly, it’s as probable as the idea that you didn’t want lemons. Right?
Someone gives you lemons. You wanted limes. Okay, this seems bad, but really, how hard is it to just say, “No, sir, wrong hand fruit here, let’s have the green ones this time, and maybe it’s time to get them eyes checked, Magoo.” No? We don’t live in a society where we can do that? We have to be so ultra-polite that we can’t just exchange the lemons? Or hell, if you don’t want to do that, why don’t you pick out your own goddamn fruit next time. This, again, is just a possibility, and seems entirely likely as well. Continue reading
Filed under Dining, humor, Life
Great day in the morning! I am pleased to announce that after a lengthy hiatus brought on by lawsuits and corruption and government meddling, smoking is back and better than ever! Big Tobacco has somehow managed to overcome the psychotic litany of laws meant to limit the growth of their industry and bring sweet, sweet smoking out of the shadows and back to the parlor!
A recent study shows that smoking rose among adults in 2008 for the first time in fifteen years. Smoking among young adults is also on the rise, both here and overseas, and in a recent poll the most admired man in America was revealed to be none other than Don Draper, the fictitious lead character on AMC’s Mad Men. The only explanation of Draper’s success, considering he’s a two-faced, womanizing jerk in a glorified office job, is that he smokes pretty much constantly. Cigarettes are back on top!
Now it’s time to capitalize! For too long legislation has been produced limiting where you can smoke and making you pay huge taxes for buying those beautiful, flammable sticks of delight. Clearly America doesn’t care how much it costs or how often they have to stand out in the snow and rain to enjoy it, people are craving their smokes in greater numbers than previously believed possible, and they have rights too! Back in the family room! Back in the Burger King! Back on United Airlines! Smokers have rights too! Continue reading
With vaccine shipments in short supply or going missing or ending up in the wrong hands, the government had no choice but turn to the semi-retired, but long battle-tested defense against illness and poisoning, Mr. Yuk, last week.
Found living in relative obscurity in a rest home in Phoenix, Mr. Yuk (or Senor Gross, as he’d come to be known in the Southwest) was hesitant about re-entering the fray and putting his face out there again, but when shown the ugly details of the epidemic ravaging the world, Yuk was convinced.
“I do what I can,” Mr. Yuk said at a press conference Monday. “If they’ve gotta plaster my mug on every touchable surface the world over to prevent the spread of this heinous disease, I say let’s do it. We’ll be roasting this swine flu at a luau by next summer!” Continue reading
“Let me tell you, Alex Rodriguez needs to make a sincere apo-“
“I’m trying to go with that, ‘Do I think, do I not think’ and –“
“ – since the beginning of the season that UConn is the most tal-“
“Save big money at Menard’s –“
“I think Illinois could end up as high as a three or even a two seed come Selection Sun-“
6:47. Shit. I’ve got to be at work by 8. Dammit. It’s an hour and a half from stepping out of bed to punching in. I know that. It’s always the same, depending on the train, but it’s always pretty much the same. Okay, okay, yesterday I did the whole thing in an hour twelve, but I got lucky with the train. Can’t rely on that.
Wow, check out the lint in here? How does that happen? Whether I wear a shirt to bed or not, lint! Ridiculous! And I wasn’t wearing a shirt that color. How is that the color of the lint in there? I wonder if I shaved the hair around my belly button if I’d get less lint. But then maybe I’d get more, as the prickly regrowing hairs might…wow, I can’t get a temperature worth a damn happening here. Doesn’t matter, gotta keep going, gotta get there by 8. Continue reading