Carson Daly Joins ‘Today,’ My Quality of Life Plummets

Bad news, America. That late night punching bag and former teen idol with approximately zero talent and charisma, Carson Jones Daly (the man of three last names) is joining The Today Show. Oh sure, this has no real impact on your daily life (or your Daly life). I’m sure you had some vague awareness that the old MTV host was still on television somewhere, and didn’t really care. He’s had a late late night talk show for over a decade, and he functions as the poor man’s Ryan Seacrest on The Voice.

So why is this such bad news? Oh, allow me to explain. Nearly the entirety of my college career saw Total Request Live playing in the afternoons in the Den, the sort-of campus lounge, where you could still smoke and bitch about having nothing to protest. It was at this time that my striking resemblance to the idiot host of this program was first mentioned.

Daly (left) and me (right)

It wasn’t an epidemic, at least among people I knew well. Someone would comment on it when they first met me, but that was about it. It was a little joke, some nonsense about banging Jennifer Love Hewitt or something, and that was it. However – and here’s where the rage stems from – I had an awesome job selling calendars at a kiosk at the mall during college. And kids who hang around the mall know who Carson Daly is. And so my nightmare began.

It got to the point that I couldn’t go a day without people shouting shit at me. As far as I can tell, the mall is full of yahoos with nothing to do but eat Cinnabons and talk about Smash Mouth (this was like 2001, keep in mind). They also liked to boisterously point out how much the calendar guy looked like Carson Daly and then berate me for my friendship with Kid Rock*.

*true story

Thankfully, this no-trick-pony left TRL in 2002 to host a talk show that came on locally at 1:30 in the morning. So, recognition tailed off considerably. Carson Daly faded into middle-of-the-night obscurity, and I moved on with my life, now drawing more comparisons to Robert Downey Jr. than anything else, which was great, because he’s a goddamn superhero.

Downey (left) and me (right)

But now this bombshell drops and I’m contemplating surgery. Is it worth getting worked up over sharing a passing resemblance to a man who once dated Tara Reid? Probably not, but were you there when I’d be forced to converse with 13-year-olds about Christina Aguilera videos for hours on end? You weren’t, so keep your judgments to yourself!

I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that. I’m just concerned that now Carson Daly will be on morning, evening, and late night, and sooner or later the fucking teenagers will be at my doorstep wanting to discourse on the greatness of Marilyn Manson’s career again. I can’t go through that. I’ve built a life here! I’m not some Carson Daly puppet anymore! I don’t even know who Avril Lavigne is! I admit it! Can’t we all just move on?!

*The author admits to some vague awareness of who Avril Lavigne is, but asks that you don’t question him about it