Category Archives: Television

Carson Daly Joins ‘Today,’ My Quality of Life Plummets

Carson-DalyBad news, America. That late night punching bag and former teen idol with approximately zero talent and charisma, Carson Jones Daly (the man of three last names) is joining The Today Show. Oh sure, this has no real impact on your daily life (or your Daly life). I’m sure you had some vague awareness that the old MTV host was still on television somewhere, and didn’t really care. He’s had a late late night talk show for over a decade, and he functions as the poor man’s Ryan Seacrest on The Voice.

So why is this such bad news? Oh, allow me to explain. Nearly the entirety of my college career saw Total Request Live playing in the afternoons in the Den, the sort-of campus lounge, where you could still smoke and bitch about having nothing to protest. It was at this time that my striking resemblance to the idiot host of this program was first mentioned. Continue reading

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Outrage Over The Flintstones “Gay Old Time”

This week, public outcry reached deafening levels as the classic ABC animated sitcom The Flintstones was lambasted for its perceived intolerance and insensitivity towards homosexuals and their lifestyles. The uproar was largely unexpected, considering how long any Flintstones treatment of the issue would have already been on record.

“For over a half century now, The Flintstones theme song has cavalierly touted that when you’re with them you will have a ‘gay old time,'” CNN anchor Anderson Cooper said on the air Tuesday.  “This sort of flip treatment of the homosexual lifestyle, and that it could possibly apply to a family in the stone age, is offensive and outrageous.  What are they trying to say about the homosexual community?  That it is for neanderthals?  For cavemen?  How can any reasonable person not be mortified when they hear this song?” Continue reading

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On Election Day, Just Remember – “Who is This Guy??!?”

My name is Joe Cetta, and I approve these messages:

“Tom Smith voted to raise your taxes.  He allowed no bid contracts to become the norm at City Hall.  He restructured zoning laws to allow a strip club to open next to a kindergarten.  He sold the rights to the Brooklyn Bridge without prior ownership.  On November 2nd, send a message that this is NOT the sort of man representing your freedoms.  Tom Smith – Who is this guy??!?”

“A Chicago Tribune investigation turned up evidence that Lucy Jones hasn’t paid taxes in 53 years.  While in office, she voted to give herself a pay raise 109 times.  Her plan is to cut Medicare benefits to seniors to $11.14 a year.  On November 2nd, don’t vote for her.  She’s bad for you, bad for your interests, bad for America.”

“Pete Williams doesn’t like you.  Otherwise, why would he have voted to close your nearest grocery store, after already shuttering your closest pharmacy, hospital, gas station, and haberdashery?  He voted to put your mother in a nursing home, and he passed legislation allowing the death of your cat.  Pete Williams – we can’t afford his leadership.” Continue reading

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Smoking Returns!

Great day in the morning!  I am pleased to announce that after a lengthy hiatus brought on by lawsuits and corruption and government meddling, smoking is back and better than ever!  Big Tobacco has somehow managed to overcome the psychotic litany of laws meant to limit the growth of their industry and bring sweet, sweet smoking out of the shadows and back to the parlor!

A recent study shows that smoking rose among adults in 2008 for the first time in fifteen years.  Smoking among young adults is also on the rise, both here and overseas, and in a recent poll the most admired man in America was revealed to be none other than Don Draper, the fictitious lead character on AMC’s Mad Men.  The only explanation of Draper’s success, considering he’s a two-faced, womanizing jerk in a glorified office job, is that he smokes pretty much constantly.  Cigarettes are back on top!

Now it’s time to capitalize!  For too long legislation has been produced limiting where you can smoke and making you pay huge taxes for buying those beautiful, flammable sticks of delight.  Clearly America doesn’t care how much it costs or how often they have to stand out in the snow and rain to enjoy it, people are craving their smokes in greater numbers than previously believed possible, and they have rights too!  Back in the family room!  Back in the Burger King!  Back on United Airlines!  Smokers have rights too! Continue reading

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Reckoning Day Has Arrived for Santa and Rudolph

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is decidedly average.  Yes, I’m talking about the Rankin/ Bass, claymation Rudolph, with Hermie the aspiring dentist elf and Yukon the man mountain prospector and the Abominable Snow Monster and all that jazz.  It’s really average.  Heck, I’d be tempted to go so far as to say it’s not terribly good at all, if it weren’t for Burl Ives as the snowman narrator and the fun songs.  But the work as a whole?  Not the best.

 

Now, hold on a second, before you go darting away from this blasphemy, hear me out.  The main problem when tackling any subject so famed and beloved is that a) everyone has already seen it, so no one is really reading your review to decide whether or not they should watch it and b) for the most part, everyone has seen it a thousand times, and thus lost any objectivity toward the subject.  So step back for a second and imagine this is the first time you’re hearing this story.  Take the song out of the equation as well, and just focus on this cracked tale of the North Pole. Continue reading

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The Candidate Interviewed by the Authoring Auctioneer

John Savo, the force of nature responsible for The Authoring Auctioneer, has been a likeable acquaintance of mine for some time, and an unlikeable one even longer.  We grew up together in the mines, unearthing coal in the PA tunnels and owing our souls to the company store like many generations before us.  Somewhere along the way, this guy got blogging and drinking enough to qualify as middle class, and next thing you know he’s spending more time in Olyphant than is recommended for one’s health and calling it a life.  Strange, I know.  Recently, he contacted me with hopes of conducting an interview regarding my rousing campaign for the Presidency in 2016.  After many consultations with my legal team (i.e. my girlfriend and my lunatic upstairs neighbor), I agreed.

: Your day-job involves processing insurance claims.  This is your first qualifiction to be President of these United States.

: Nothing prepares you to sympathize with the plight of the common man like working in medical insurance. I suppose it would be better to be an oil man?  Or a golddigger?  Not that I’m against golddigging – fine sport, really.  But really, besides education, money, real world experience, poise, and a zest for young interns, what do politicians have?  Nothing that you don’t find in your average claims processor.  Let’s not discount the years I spent working in the mall either, slick.  That’s real f*ckin’ life right there. Continue reading

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The X-Files Shipper-Con 2008 Fraught With Unruhe (Unrest)

The normally peaceful all-things-X-Files convention Shipper-Con was rocked this past weekend by controversy and destruction, as a barrage of statements from series creator Chris Carter and subsequent rioting by the paying attendees nearly resulted in Vancouver being placed under martial law.

 

Carter stated unequivocally that he believes the show went “off the rails” when they decided to hook the main characters up.  He blamed this, surprisingly, on the fans.

 

“Why anyone would want to see Mulder and Scully together romantically is beyond me,” Carter said to the packed auditorium.  “I mean, what’s wrong with you people?  Mulder is a single minded, paranoid, porn lover.  You think that’s appealing in a man?  Plus, during the course of the series nearly all of Scully’s family died because of this guy.  Is that endearing?  You fans, you wanted to see this happen, and David thought he was going to be a movie star or something and leave, so we sold out.  I sold the premise of the show right down the damn river.  Thanks a lot, fans.  Great work.” Continue reading

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