The Candidate Interviewed by the Authoring Auctioneer

John Savo, the force of nature responsible for The Authoring Auctioneer, has been a likeable acquaintance of mine for some time, and an unlikeable one even longer.  We grew up together in the mines, unearthing coal in the PA tunnels and owing our souls to the company store like many generations before us.  Somewhere along the way, this guy got blogging and drinking enough to qualify as middle class, and next thing you know he’s spending more time in Olyphant than is recommended for one’s health and calling it a life.  Strange, I know.  Recently, he contacted me with hopes of conducting an interview regarding my rousing campaign for the Presidency in 2016.  After many consultations with my legal team (i.e. my girlfriend and my lunatic upstairs neighbor), I agreed.

: Your day-job involves processing insurance claims.  This is your first qualifiction to be President of these United States.

: Nothing prepares you to sympathize with the plight of the common man like working in medical insurance. I suppose it would be better to be an oil man?  Or a golddigger?  Not that I’m against golddigging – fine sport, really.  But really, besides education, money, real world experience, poise, and a zest for young interns, what do politicians have?  Nothing that you don’t find in your average claims processor.  Let’s not discount the years I spent working in the mall either, slick.  That’s real f*ckin’ life right there.

: Oh… See, you felt the need to spin that in a positive way.  I meant that working as an insurance claims adjuster helped your qualifications to be President because you’ve had a lot of practice screwing people.

: Ah, I see where you were heading, and it’s true.  Also I spent a fair amount of time in whorehouses.  Not as a customer, mind you, just as that broke guy hanging around the whorehouse, waiting for scraps.  And again, not referring to the whores, just scraps of whatever meatball sub someone happened to be eating pre or post coitus.

: Well, I’ve known you a long time.  I know that you’re an honest man.  In fact, sometimes you’re too honest.  So, honestly, why do you want to be President?

: Why do I want to be President?  Honestly?  Commander in Chief?  Leader of the free world?  How many blatantly obvious answers are there to that?  I mean, seriously, outside of having that nuclear war phone and being able to throw ass kicking keggers in the Lincoln Bedroom whenever I damn well please, I need something else?  Why do I want to be President?  I don’t think it’s an issue of must.  I think more than anything, given the bizarre tastes of the American public, the country deserves me as President.  I won’t fail to entertain.  And that’s pretty much what it’s all about.

: So.  You would find a thrill with “having the nuclear war phone.”  Would you ever order a pre-emptive nuclear strike?  And against whom?

: Well, I think it depends on the word “pre-emptive.”  If it literally means before we are affronted in any way, then no.  But I mean, if Canada is off running their mouth about how their healthcare is awesome compared to ours, and that they’ve got better looking women and sidewalks, well, those may just be fighting words.  But if we nuke them, we risk contaminating ourselves.  Hmm.  Okay maybe not Canada.

But let’s say that Kim Jong Il clown gets it into his head to take a piss on this guy and kick the Statue of Liberty in the nuts.  Well, I wouldn’t hesistate to light up another hemisphere like it was the goddamn Fourth of July, I tell you what!  In fact, if we could time it so that we did nuke Korea on the glorious 4th, what better way would there be to celebrate?  American might displayed in a globally patriotic way!

: Would you use your power for personal vendettas?  And if yes, against whom?

: Absolutely, without question, because anyone I’ve got a vendetta against has it coming.  Plus it would no doubt benefit America to have those folks suffer.  Who in particular?  I’m not sure, exactly.  Give me an example of someone and I’ll let you know if they’re in line for my wrath.

: Well, what about me?  I’m sure you owe me at least a kick in the nuts.

: Many times over!  But as you’re helping to promote the campaign, and may end up in the cabinet, I can’t yet say that you’ll be a target of the cleansing that may or may not be on the drawing board as we speak.

: Really?  I may end up in the cabinet?  Which position?  Secretary of…

: Mere details, Savo.  I was leaning toward the Treasury, so then I’m assured of getting my paycheck on time, which can be a hassle as the top dog, I imagine.  But now I’m thinking, even though it’s not technically a cabinet post, you should definitely head up the ATF.  Nothing says Savo like a little drinking, smoking, and shooting.  How’s that sound?

: Oh… I was hoping I could be Secretary of Whores and Porn…

: Well we can always create a little something like that for you.  Maybe we should just move the White House to Vegas while we’re at it.

: Ah, Vegas… Sin City.  Speaking of sin, what is your religious affiliation and how would it affect your policies, decisions, and Supreme Court appointments?

: Well strictly speaking I’m Catholic – Roman Catholic, not any of that other nonsense – but since I began writing my Bible Sequel, I haven’t been able to connect with the religious groups terribly well, and the death threats are just an added hassle to an already complicated campaign.  But in reality I don’t think this will have any serious impact on how I run the country.  And I’ve already made plans for the potential openings on the Supreme Court during my administration.  I think the first guy I’m pushing forward will undoubtedly be Judge Wapner, because that guy was awesome as shit.  Of course, in 2017, Wapner will be damn near 100 years old, if he’s even still alive then, so I may have to resort to my second choice, Judge Reinhold.

: As President, what would be your first order of business?

: Well, I made some promises right after deciding to first run, so my first order of business may seem a hair odd, considering the state of the union.  Honestly though, come 2017 who the hell knows what’ll be important to the American people?  Hopefully it will be addressed by my first act in office – making sure there is a Taco Bell within walking distance of every man, woman, and child in this great nation. Again, this was part of the initial agreement made when the candidacy was proclaimed.  It also included free pie for everyone voting for this guy, so that should negatively impact the national debt as well.  My bad.  We’ll bounce back from that though once we tax the living shit out of things like Blue Moon, men’s gymnastics, and Shia LeBeouf movies – things I don’t much care for, I mean.

: I like Blue Moon.  If you’re going to tax a beer, it should be Coors Light or your favorite from your underage days: Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

: If I’m gonna tax a beer it’s going to be one that requires f*cking fruit to drink.  Blue Moon rides the top of that shitty list, let me tell you.  Oh, but those horrific college beers will get the hammer as well.  Why not tax Beast and Natty Ice and Keystone Light?  Those college kids aren’t footing the bill.  Loans, baby!

: Will you continue to blog if you win the White House?

: Hard to say, really.  I may be so drunk with power (and so drunk literally with bathtub gin) that I may not be able to form complete sentences.  I may blog about the occasional tidbit of gossip I receive concerning the Chinese ambassador’s predilection for underage tail, or something like that.  But really, after eight years of blogs about this campaign, I’ve got a feeling the public with appreciate the reprieve.

: Can we expect you to have an illicit affair with a young woman (or man) while you are in office?

: If this was 1999, I’d say emphatically yes.  It would be part of my campaign actually.  But nowadays, no.  I’ve got this terrific girlfriend, who is also on the short list to be my running mate, so there will be no illicit affairs in a Cetta White House.  That’s partly why I’m going to insist my cabinet is made up of questionable deviants, whose deplorable behavior will hopefully distract from the bizarre policies I enact.  Any suggestions?  Who do you think would make a decent Secretary of War?  I was leaning toward Yosemite Sam.

: Hmm.  I would suggest Stewie Griffin or Dexter.  They both have excellent laboratories.

: Ah, excellent!  This cabinet is really coming together!  We put a nice varnish on it we can shill this baby to the public no problem!

: Yes, but wouldn’t putting such people in your cabinet–including myself–just frighten people?  Your latest campaign poster, the one with the tornados, is a new twist on scare tactics.  (Pun intended.)  Will you continue to use fear to bolster your administration should you be president?  Come on, be honest! You’re going to pull a Palpatine.  Once you’re in there, you’ll claim yourself emperor, disband the other branches of government, and find some young apprentice.

: You’re wrong on a few counts, but you’re heading in the right general direction.  First off, an emperor isn’t what I’ve got in mind.  That’s giving one schmoe too much power, and too impressive a title, all at the same time.  No, I think it’s about time we get a monarchy rolling in this country instead, and I think there’s no better guy for the crown than King Goat Ass the First, or as I’ll be known popularly – King Goatius Primus Maximus.  Secondly, I’m not planning on setting this country up for the day when I’m not in charge.  We’ll be disbanding and tossing out some old institutions and customs (like the two term president law, for example), but I will not support, endorse, or encourage anyone to try and follow the dog and pony show I’m gonna put on.

As for the general use of fear in the campaign, I think it is just a more overt version of what you constantly see from candidates.  Whether Obama claims McCain will bring more of the same old Washington politics with him to the White House, or McCain claims “I can’t find my pills,” it’s all scare tactics.  I just want people to know where I stand.  And the answer is, I stand against things that can and will kill them if given the chance.  Tornadoes and white bread are all I’ve got on the list so far, but we’ll be adding to it shortly.

: Okay, so then what do you feel is the greatest threat to America?  Certainly, it can’t be white bread.

: I would say the list of threats, as I currently draw it up goes something like this:

5) Korea – which is clearly on the back burner now that we’ve got –
4) Iran to worry about.
3) White bread – still no day at the beach.
2) Gypsy moths – They must be stopped at all costs.
1) Two and a Half Men – this shit has to be taken off the air immediately if we are to have any hope of surviving as a civilization.  I promise that if in 2017 when i take office this garbage is in the middle of its 14th season, the armed forces will immediately take over the CBS network and rend it asunder.  Campaign promise right there!

: Well, unfortunately, Two and a Half Men is the funniest show on regular network TV.  Except for Family Guy.  Oh yeah, and American Dad.  Oh right… Even the Simpsons are still funnier…

Anyway… Speaking of the armed forces… If the war in the Middle East is still raging on if and when you take office… How will you bring it to an end?

: I would have no intention of bringing the war to an end.  If it is somehow still going all those years from now, then I’d feel our time there was over and pull everyone out.  Do I have an obligation to continue what was started two or three presidents ago at that point?  Do I owe the region something?  I would say not.  So I’ll just pull up stakes, pack the humvees, and beat it the hell out of that nightmare.  Let them sort it out.  Sure, it may just turn out like Vietnam after that, but really, enough is enough.  I don’t honestly believe it’ll still be going on at that point, but I suppose anything is possible.

: So are you pro war or anti war?  A hawk or a chicken?  Chunky or creamy?

: Depends on the war, old socks.  I mean, if it’s a general question you ask anyone, then I’d have to say answering Pro War makes you borderline psychotic.  Who’s Pro War just out of principle?  That’s ridiculous.  But, if there’s a good reason, sure.  Coming back to my earlier point, if as a world leader I get personally offended by another world leader’s comments regarding my personal hygiene or my grandfather and his wooden leg, then we may have to invade.  But, there has to be a good reason.  This current war doesn’t have that, even if there is some element of revenge involved, and revenge is almost enough in most cases.

: You contradict yourself every chance you get. Can we expect such double talk with you as President?

: You absolutely can.  That’s what makes America great.  Taking the ability to give it straight to the people, and then being able to change one’s mind and opinions, mid-sentence if need be.  That’s what the founding fathers would have wanted.

: Do you have any preliminary choices for VP?

: I’ve got some folks in mind, but I am not prepared to announce that at this time.  Mainly because none of them will return my phone calls.

: Well, it’s plain to see that this interview is going nowhere and I’d like to apologize to anyone who has read this far.  Anything else you’d like to add before we wrap it up?

: I would like to apologize as well, and I promise that if elected I won’t do any more interviews by blog.  I also won’t sing in public.  Campaign promise. Thank you for your time, America.  And thank you for your grammar, Savo.

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For more information about my campaign for the 2016 Presidency of the United States, please see:

 The Initial Annoucement

The First Updates from the Campaign Trail!

The First Campaign Poster

Our Evolving Platform