September 25, 2008 · 11:41 pm
John Savo, the force of nature responsible for The Authoring Auctioneer, has been a likeable acquaintance of mine for some time, and an unlikeable one even longer. We grew up together in the mines, unearthing coal in the PA tunnels and owing our souls to the company store like many generations before us. Somewhere along the way, this guy got blogging and drinking enough to qualify as middle class, and next thing you know he’s spending more time in Olyphant than is recommended for one’s health and calling it a life. Strange, I know. Recently, he contacted me with hopes of conducting an interview regarding my rousing campaign for the Presidency in 2016. After many consultations with my legal team (i.e. my girlfriend and my lunatic upstairs neighbor), I agreed.
: Your day-job involves processing insurance claims. This is your first qualifiction to be President of these United States.
: Nothing prepares you to sympathize with the plight of the common man like working in medical insurance. I suppose it would be better to be an oil man? Or a golddigger? Not that I’m against golddigging – fine sport, really. But really, besides education, money, real world experience, poise, and a zest for young interns, what do politicians have? Nothing that you don’t find in your average claims processor. Let’s not discount the years I spent working in the mall either, slick. That’s real f*ckin’ life right there. Continue reading →
Filed under Correspondence, humor, Politics, Television
Tagged as 2016 Election, 2016 Presidency, American Monarchy, Barack Obama, Blue Moon, Canada, Iran, John McCain, Judge Reinhold, Judge Wapner, Korea, Palpatine, Presidential Election, Taco Bell, Tornadoes, Two and a Half Men, White Bread
August 21, 2008 · 12:31 am
Dear Keystone College,
Hey, how’ve you been? Long time no see! Looking forward to another school year, huh? It’s just about that time again. Ah, Keystone, we had some great times, didn’t we? I almost miss you, undergrad.
So anyway, I’m not just writing to shoot the fat and chew the breeze. As you may or may not be aware, I’ve recently attained a fair amount of success in life, what with my burgeoning political career, my advanced degree in creative writing, my relocation halfway across the country, and my complete avoidance of any crippling drug dependencies. Yes sirree, I’m an exemplary alumnus to such an extraordinary degree that I think you should benefit. Continue reading →
Filed under College, Correspondence, humor, Writing
Tagged as Commencement, Correspondence, Graduate, Graduation, Graduation Ceremony, Horseradish, Keystone College, Milwaukee's Best, Students, Sunshine Man
July 17, 2008 · 8:06 pm
The landscape of cinema and entertainment was irrevocably altered on June 28th of this year, with the release of Pixar’s latest computer animated epic, WALL·E, which proved itself to be not only the best yet production of the Disney-owned company, but to be unquestionably, inarguably the greatest motion picture ever made.
- The Best Film of All-Time
That’s right. Ever. And it’s not even close. This is a film in a class so distinctly its own that it barely can be squeezed into the existing parameters of how we define a movie. It so outdoes everything that’s come before that it is almost like watching some new, far superior form of entertainment unlikely ever to be duplicated. Continue reading →
Filed under Correspondence, humor, Movies, Writing
Tagged as Beethoven, Brahms, Chaplin, Disney, Don Giovanni, Greatest Movie Ever, Hamlet, humor, Hyperbole, Keaton, Michelangelo, Mona Lisa, Mozart, Oedipus, Pixar, Romeo and Juliet, Sarcasm, Shakespeare, Tchiakovsky, Tongue in cheek, Wall-E, WALL·E
July 6, 2008 · 6:03 pm
Here is a variation on the cover letter I sent around when I first arrived, in search of employment:
Joe, the Future Veep of Your Co.
Chicago, IL 60614
June 1, 2008
Re: Open bank Vice-President position
Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, or otherwise,
I am writing in regards to the available bank Vice-President position you have posted on Craigslist. I feel with no little exaggeration that I can step in tomorrow and execute the demands of the role to within an inch of perfection. So confident am I in fact that I suggest the current President best start scouting condos in Rehoboth Beach, because retirement is nigh. Continue reading →
Filed under Correspondence, humor, Work
Tagged as America, Banking, Calendar Store, Chicago, China, Comic Con, Cover Letter, Craigslist, Dickson City, Rehoboth Beach, Resume, Theater, Vice President, Viewmont Mall
May 20, 2008 · 11:44 pm
Given that I plan to relocate halfway across the country in a matter of days, I did what a faithful employee in good standing should and submitted a letter of resignation, giving plenty of advance notice to explain my absence, which may have gone unnoticed otherwise. What follows is the actual letter I submitted, with my manager’s name and that of the company I work for processing medical claims omitted, for obvious reasons: Continue reading →
May 15, 2008 · 4:29 am
Dear sir or madam,
So you’re my kid, huh? As I write this I am currently safe in the knowledge that I have never impregnated anyone that I’m aware of, and have no pressing interest in this activity anytime in the near future (impregnating, I mean, not the activity – er, well, you know what I mean, I hope). If you are reading this I assume that you do, in fact, exist, and therefore I must have knocked someone up and some court must have determined after a no doubt exhaustive legal battle that you are a product of my own drunken doing. So, hello.
I’m sure by this point that you are aware what a great guy I am, so I’m not about to remind you with a detailed breakdown and comprehensive history of my excellence. Let’s just say I’m awesome and leave it at that. The purpose of writing this letter to you, my supposed progeny, is to pass down some ideas direct from the horse’s mouth, as I may be old, broken-down, senile, and incontinent by the time you exist. On the other hand, if you’re going around referring to your old man as a horse, you’ll be feeling the back of my senile hand, punk! Continue reading →
Filed under Correspondence, humor, Life
Tagged as ATMs, Balding, Children, Fatherhood, Impregnation, Jesus, Mutual Funds, Offspring, Parenting, Tattooes