Tag Archives: Children

My Children Suck!

I’m not sure how old my daughter is at this point – gotta be in her late teens, I’d guess – but she has already reached an advanced developmental stage of turning out a right bitch.  Walking around with her pug nose in the air, eight pounds of make-up giving her that extra bit of whorehouse flavor, too good to even say hello to the old man when she passes me in the hallway.  My asshole daughter Kelly is fast on her way to being the town bicycle, which everyone gets to take free rides on.  The hell with her, that no good cu- oh, wait, Kelly’s her sister – Sandy’s the slutty one.  Yeah, the hell with Sandy.

But Kelly’s no walk in the goddamn park either.  That rotten, Ben Gay smelling troll takes after her sister with the attitude, but at least I don’t have to worry about her getting knocked up by some skin tag with an erection.  No guy with half a brain or eyesight would touch that monster kid of mine.  But even if you could somehow overlook her gross ass appearance, she also happens to be just about the meanest pig-tailed, pig-faced demon seed alive.  Her brother Todd is lucky to still be breathing after all the beatings and torture Kelly laid on him over the years.  More about that douche son of mine in a bit though.  Me and the old lady really dropped the ball not drowning that fucking Kelly straight out of the womb.  The world will suffer more and more everyday for our mistake. Continue reading


Filed under humor, Life, Parenting

Thank You, Meth Lab!

The third and very likely final children’s book I’ll ever write, this one obviously wrapping up all the loose ends and plot threads that had been strung through Thank You, Bus! and Thank You, Coma!

Thank You, Meth Lab!
Joe was sad 😦
He was broke and had started working more hours to earn extra buckaroos 😦

His job was a stinking heap of no fun 😦

But what else could he do?

How does an honest lad of marginal skill and limited ambition make ends meet?

One day while lamenting the price of peas, Joe overhead some of his cube neighbors.

They were discussing the money making potential, and general coolness, of illicit drugs.

Joe liked money, and general coolness. Continue reading

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Filed under Children's books, humor, Work

Thank You, Coma!

The second installment in my epic threepiece of a children’s book series, circa 2005ish:

Thank You, Coma!

Joe was sad 😦
Life had sort of failed him lately 😦

Things took a turn for the worse when he was drinking on a Tuesday 😦

He had it bad, and that ain’t good.

One night, he went to a shindig at a local university.

While there he met many pretty girls and happening dudes, many of whom were playing an insane amount of a game called beer pong.

Joe decided he wanted to try this beer pong, and hang with the pretty girls and happening dudes. Continue reading


Filed under Children's books, humor, Life

Thank You, Bus!

My first attempt at writing a children’s book, which has basically become a thing of legend:

Thank You, Bus!

SchoolBusJoe was sad. 😦
He had to work mandatory overtime. 😦
It sucked out loud. 😦
He didn’t want to have to work the mandatory overtime, but he didn’t want to go back to working at the dollar store, either.
But how could Joe get out of doing it?
Then it occurred to him.
If you were injured or had some sort of medical condition, you only had to work your regular hours. Continue reading

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Filed under Children's books, humor, Work

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear sir or madam,

So you’re my kid, huh?  As I write this I am currently safe in the knowledge that I have never impregnated anyone that I’m aware of, and have no pressing interest in this activity anytime in the near future (impregnating, I mean, not the activity – er, well, you know what I mean, I hope).  If you are reading this I assume that you do, in fact, exist, and therefore I must have knocked someone up and some court must have determined after a no doubt exhaustive legal battle that you are a product of my own drunken doing.  So, hello.

I’m sure by this point that you are aware what a great guy I am, so I’m not about to remind you with a detailed breakdown and comprehensive history of my excellence.  Let’s just say I’m awesome and leave it at that.  The purpose of writing this letter to you, my supposed progeny, is to pass down some ideas direct from the horse’s mouth, as I may be old, broken-down, senile, and incontinent by the time you exist.  On the other hand, if you’re going around referring to your old man as a horse, you’ll be feeling the back of my senile hand, punk! Continue reading


Filed under Correspondence, humor, Life