Thank You, Coma!

The second installment in my epic threepiece of a children’s book series, circa 2005ish:

Thank You, Coma!

Joe was sad 😦
Life had sort of failed him lately 😦
Things took a turn for the worse when he was drinking on a Tuesday 😦
He had it bad, and that ain’t good.
One night, he went to a shindig at a local university.
While there he met many pretty girls and happening dudes, many of whom were playing an insane amount of a game called beer pong.

Joe decided he wanted to try this beer pong, and hang with the pretty girls and happening dudes.
Joe played a lot.  He played until damn near Thursday.
At this point, Joe was drunk drunk drunk.  He could not feel his teeth.
He stumbled outside and tumbled down a hill, breaking his thumb.
A long stretch of time passed in a blur.
Joe woke up on his bathroom floor, and his socks had ended up in the microwave.
However, his thumb almost magically wasn’t hurt.
From this point on, though, life was good again.
Joe got promoted at work 🙂
He continued to hang out with one of the pretty girls he met on Tuesday 🙂
He ate much ice cream 🙂
It wasn’t until months later, after the Red Sox had won the World Series and a giant white rabbit had manifested itself outside Joe’s door that he realized:

“I must be in a coma!”
He ran this idea by his girlfriend.
“You are insane,” she told him.
“Insane like a fox!” he responded.
All logic pointed to this being true –
They had woken up inexplicably on opposite sides of the bed one night.
Rumor was the democrats were planning to cancel Christmas.
Martha Stewart went to jail.
They hadn’t visited Baltimore, not even once.
And the president was re-elected beyond all logic.
When confronted with this mountain of evidence, Joe’s girlfriend conceded.
“It’s possible,” she told him, “but you are still insane.”
Now Joe’s happy, because he knows his actions have no consequences.
He spent all his money on a deluxe pedicure.
He quit his job and resolved to stay home watching television and eating Fritos.
He told off a whole slew of people who deserved it.
And now he just awaits the day he will be recalled to life.
But in the meantime things are joyful and full of mirth.
“Thank you, Coma!”