The company I’ve just recently snuck away from has a system in place to rate your performance based on a number of incredibly pedestrian attributes they determined were most important to them. None of these, I might add, play to my strengths at work, such as killing time, maximizing lunch breaks, and making it look like I’m working full blast all day long. Also, I have to rate my own performance, based on these categories they are interested in, and so, when I fill out mid-year and year-end reviews for the appraisal, it doesn’t often play in my favor.
Most years I got Ns, for Not Meeting, Not Good, Needs Improvement, Nincompoop, etc. I’d get Ss here and there, usually for things like Participating in Pot Luck Lunches, and “Attends” Meetings. But overall, it was the big N adorning the Rating column. Still, I tried to evaluate myself based mostly on what I figured they’d want to hear, and mark areas where I was weak on the job accordingly.
This year past, however, I thought honesty truly would be the best policy. This was before I knew for definite that 2008 would be my last with the company, I might add. True, I suspected it. I hadn’t been putting a hell of a lot of effort into making a career of it there since I went back to school. But nonetheless, having blatant disregard for their well established and self congratulatory performance review system would be unwise, to say the least. All that being said, I would like to present my section of the Overall Review, under Areas Needing Improvement:
Honestly, at this stage of the game, I’m not sure I could improve. I’m doing all the claims I can the best that I can. I have no interest in moving up in the company at this point. This is the apex of my rise in the tiers and stages of my meteoric ***** career. So, with all this taken into consideration, I’m gonna just come out and say it. I’m as perfect as a non-ambitious, part-time employee can be. I’m a 101 out of 100. I’m the gold standard here in the middle of the road.
For my manager’s part of the review, tellingly, she wrote:
Overall, Joe is positive, funny, and the team enjoys him. He openly interacts during team meetings and is a positive addition.
I think that just about sums it up.
Knowingly Undersold 
Look at you, interacting during meetings! That company of yours sure doesn’t know what it’s losing. Your brutally honest self-review also paints a clear picture of your attitude and goals, and they decided you’re still the right man for the job. Where can I send my application?
I find that the management of corporate America behaves much like the administration of an elementary school for retarded children.