I’m just a pimp on the Goodyear Blimp,
And each of my whores adores me.
Airborne ecstasy, and the healthcare is free,
And their door in the floor is above me.
I burst up like a mole if a dude gets too rude,
Levy out a toll, then lighten the mood.
“Bring out the whiskey!” I shout to the intern,
The whore leans to kiss me and continues to earn. Continue reading
The author, returning home from his day job
In my long and harried career of not writing for a living, my relationship with my crooked assistants had always been amicable, pleasant, and even enjoyable. Our partnership was one of mutual respect and camaraderie, and the fruits of our time together were considerable. But the years were difficult, and the course grew coarser, and my hoary associates bore the brunt of my opprobrium. It was frustration and weariness in part, but lo, it was largely devil intemperance that led me to ruination – yes, intemperance! I can barely bring myself to copy down the events – so chilling, so horrifying they were, and so recklessly egocentric and jejune I was! But the world needs to know of my epic folly! Read on, if you dare! Continue reading
Hey, thanks for coming in, please have a seat. Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Oh, you just came back from lunch? What’s in the cafeteria today, that spinach ravioli? I get mad heartburn every Monday from that, I swear.
So look, I don’t want to keep you in suspense, you may have heard some rumors around the office, and yes, we’re gonna be doing a little restructuring, playing with the layout of the cubicals and copiers and whatnot, and the bottom line is I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.
Are you sure you don’t want some juice or something? Continue reading
Recently, I ran across a darling little article on a website (n. website – it’s sort of like a video newspaper that doesn’t get smeary on your hands) about common mistakes the average working slob is making when compiling a resume. People working in an office/business/non-sex related capacity have become so used to management speak and phrasing that they were under the assumption that this is what those thick, troglodyte starched collars wanted to see on your menu of jobs and schools. Au contraire, amigo (multi-lingual-ality, it helps)!
Another day, another search for a new job
But I felt the article left a number of things off. Not everyone is working in the corporate sector, punching the clock and not the boss, eating lunch at the same Subway every day, chatting about the same lousy local sports team, what the weather is supposed to be like Sunday, and “Oh I hope it doesn’t rain cause we’ve gotta head out to the suburbs to get that cheap produce,” and “I don’t know who’s going to be the next mayor, but they better fix this parking situation!” Nope, so not all resumes should or would contain the same trite bullshit. For every “Team player” and “Goal-oriented” they advised against, they missed equally as hackneyed and cloying terms. Here now, Knowingly Undersold’s Resume Guide of Don’ts! Continue reading
“Let me tell you, Alex Rodriguez needs to make a sincere apo-“
“I’m trying to go with that, ‘Do I think, do I not think’ and –“
“ – since the beginning of the season that UConn is the most tal-“
“Save big money at Menard’s –“
“I think Illinois could end up as high as a three or even a two seed come Selection Sun-“
6:47. Shit. I’ve got to be at work by 8. Dammit. It’s an hour and a half from stepping out of bed to punching in. I know that. It’s always the same, depending on the train, but it’s always pretty much the same. Okay, okay, yesterday I did the whole thing in an hour twelve, but I got lucky with the train. Can’t rely on that.
Wow, check out the lint in here? How does that happen? Whether I wear a shirt to bed or not, lint! Ridiculous! And I wasn’t wearing a shirt that color. How is that the color of the lint in there? I wonder if I shaved the hair around my belly button if I’d get less lint. But then maybe I’d get more, as the prickly regrowing hairs might…wow, I can’t get a temperature worth a damn happening here. Doesn’t matter, gotta keep going, gotta get there by 8. Continue reading
Inspired by The Authoring Auctioneer’s recent article found here.
Given the opportunity, people getting paid to do something for you will invariably let you down in some way. Whether it’s a movie theater usher or a barista (which is destined for inclusion on a list of words I hate) or your run-of-the-mill waiter or waitress, if you are forking over bucks for virtually anything, you are thusly entitled to find fault with their performance. It’s part of the transaction, really. You get a cup of coffee or 3D glasses or a foot massage, and you get the right to bitch and complain about this servant of yours. And they should suck it up and enjoy it, that’s there role in things, right?
My tale comes straight out of the bowels of history, stretching back to that distant memory that is Saturday, in the month known as This in the week remembered fondly by those who lived it as Last. I was with the girlfriend and the Munchagogo at a bar/pizza place watching the Olympics in a hurried rush before trying to catch the midnight showing of the 1984 classic Ghostbusters, which we wouldn’t end up making it to before the Sold Out sign was hung in our faces by the management. Continue reading
Believe it or not, I’ve found there are certain employment opportunities out there that I’m not suited for. Whether you know me or not, this should come as no surprise. Rare is the person who can just step into any temp agency and qualify for the whole board of available listings. So, with that in mind, here is a list I’ve compiled of 300 jobs, titles, and positions that I am extremely unlikely to ever have in this lifetime. Of course, feel free to add to it, as this is a remarkably brief list, considering the guy in question:
1. Baker Street Irregular
2. Donkey puncher
5. Assistant to the Regional Manager
6. Head Writer for Two and a Half Men
7. Lead Phlebotomist at Geisinger in Danville
8. Sous Chef
9. Patron saint of mediocrities
10. Designated Hitter for the Cincinnati Reds
11. Beer Vendor at Ebbets Field
12. Dean of Admissions at the Sorbonne
13. Office of the Exchequer clerk
14. Miss Teen U.S.A.
15. Center for the Charlotte Hornets
16. Captain X-Ray Specs
17. Longshoreman on Lake Scranton
18. Understudy for the Monster – Young Frankenstein on Broadway
19. Rubik’s Cube champion
20. Crystal manufacturer at Folger’s Continue reading
The transcript of the annual May & Muhn Manufacturing Company stockholders meeting, May 3rd, 2008:
The meeting will come to order. Would everyone please be seated? Please? Come on, the bagel cart will still be there when I’m done. Oh, it won’t? Well anyway, welcome, shareholders, I’m glad to see so many of you made the effort to be here today. I’m surprised, actually, I didn’t know you’d find the place. My assistant accidentally put the wrong address on the invites, I’m sure you noticed, haha. It said we’d be in Springfield, Massachusetts, but you still found your way here, to Illinois. How industrious of you all.
I’m sure you’re all wondering after the well being of the board of directors. Rest assured, they are being treated very well, and can finally receive visitors and spend up to an hour a day in the yard. Their interrogation went on longer than expected before they fessed up to their alleged crimes, and now they are being fed human food and are in the general population up in Joliet. So that’s good news, huh? Continue reading
Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell. This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs. Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.
Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community. America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always). Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor. And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.
I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions: 1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. Continue reading
Here is a variation on the cover letter I sent around when I first arrived, in search of employment:
Joe, the Future Veep of Your Co.
Chicago, IL 60614
June 1, 2008
Re: Open bank Vice-President position
Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, or otherwise,
I am writing in regards to the available bank Vice-President position you have posted on Craigslist. I feel with no little exaggeration that I can step in tomorrow and execute the demands of the role to within an inch of perfection. So confident am I in fact that I suggest the current President best start scouting condos in Rehoboth Beach, because retirement is nigh. Continue reading
Probably the best thing about living in Chicago I’ve got to say is not having a car. In Scranton, there was no having a job or going out or being seen as a respectable member of society if I didn’t have a car. It was just a given, it was a necessity. But here, a car? What the hell would I do with a car?
Besides having the highest gas prices in the country (allegedly), there is also nowhere to park. Were I to drive to work, between garages and filling up I’d be blowing nearly the whole paycheck on the lousy car. The girlfriend drives to the suburbs every day for work and even though her car gets roughly a thousand miles to the gallon (I have no idea) she’s still filling up twice a week or more. So no car is awesome. Continue reading
The third and very likely final children’s book I’ll ever write, this one obviously wrapping up all the loose ends and plot threads that had been strung through Thank You, Bus! and Thank You, Coma!
Thank You, Meth Lab!
Joe was sad 😦
He was broke and had started working more hours to earn extra buckaroos 😦
His job was a stinking heap of no fun 😦
But what else could he do?
How does an honest lad of marginal skill and limited ambition make ends meet?
One day while lamenting the price of peas, Joe overhead some of his cube neighbors.
They were discussing the money making potential, and general coolness, of illicit drugs.
Joe liked money, and general coolness. Continue reading
The company I’ve just recently snuck away from has a system in place to rate your performance based on a number of incredibly pedestrian attributes they determined were most important to them. None of these, I might add, play to my strengths at work, such as killing time, maximizing lunch breaks, and making it look like I’m working full blast all day long. Also, I have to rate my own performance, based on these categories they are interested in, and so, when I fill out mid-year and year-end reviews for the appraisal, it doesn’t often play in my favor.
Most years I got Ns, for Not Meeting, Not Good, Needs Improvement, Nincompoop, etc. I’d get Ss here and there, usually for things like Participating in Pot Luck Lunches, and “Attends” Meetings. But overall, it was the big N adorning the Rating column. Still, I tried to evaluate myself based mostly on what I figured they’d want to hear, and mark areas where I was weak on the job accordingly. Continue reading
Filed under humor, Life, Work