Here is a variation on the cover letter I sent around when I first arrived, in search of employment:
Joe, the Future Veep of Your Co.
Chicago, IL 60614
June 1, 2008
Re: Open bank Vice-President position
Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, or otherwise,
I am writing in regards to the available bank Vice-President position you have posted on Craigslist. I feel with no little exaggeration that I can step in tomorrow and execute the demands of the role to within an inch of perfection. So confident am I in fact that I suggest the current President best start scouting condos in Rehoboth Beach, because retirement is nigh.
In a rudimentary perusal of my resume, you will note that I have no little amount of high-level management experience, which will come in handy when dealing with your nationwide enterprise. As you can see, I more or less ran a calendar store in the hectic Viewmont Mall in Dickson City, PA for parts of four different years. I had to dictate tasks and coordinate schedules for upwards of four employees at any given time, and ruled with an iron fist when someone took advantage of my generous thirty-five minute lunch policy. Thirty-seven minutes like as not met with caustic rage from yours truly, I can assure you of that!
In addition, I was a driving force in revitalizing the theater scene in Northeastern Pennsylvania, through a multitude of productions and happenings that are still talked about with bated breath to this day. These were massive undertakings, occupying as much as five weeks at a time, and involving the rounding up of no little lingerie, saddle shoes, and mosquito netting, as the shows called for. Single-handedly I turned the region from a broken down, two theater joke into a bustling three theater metropolis for most of three summers. Getting places on the map is my legacy, a legacy I am more than happy to bring to you.
As your company (a fine, well respected banking institution, I might add) has resorted to placing employment ads on a website that also offers lonely transvestites a place to meet with the intention of deviant fornicating, I’m figuring things can’t be going too well. Apparently you’ve lost faith in your work staff or you’d be hiring from within. Well, your worries have ended, my bewildered men of cent. I’m willing to come onboard and right the ship, provided the booty is to my liking. And by booty, I mean cash money, dog. I don’t want any broken down old tellers offering to accept my deposits, if you get my gist.
So things have gone bad in America, and you’re a fine example of it. People are out of work, the cost of everything has gone through the roof, we’re importing poisoned vegetables, and Chinais completely pwning us in terms of construction, finance, waistline, and ping pong. It’s time to fix the country, kids, and you are in the prime position to kick start the revolution. All you have to do is pull your heads out of the sand long enough to see the messiah when he sends in a resume and cover letter. It’s time to rejoice.
So make me an offer, a good offer, and I’ll be down to sign the W-2 this afternoon. Together we can save your bank from further embarrassment, and we can get my outrageous credit card debt off the books. I have deigned to step in and help rescue your floundering concept of business success. You just have to not be so stupid as to pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Please contact at your earliest convenience, which I’m confident in guessing was yesterday.
The Man with the Plan
P.S. I’ll need the company jet on the 25th. The girlfriend wants to go to Comic Con.