Back in the day, people used to email surveys around to their friends, with a bundle of generic questions on them, so their friends could get to know them better, and in theory would then fill out these surveys themselves, perpetuating a cycle of information exchange and harmless secrets being divulged.
Then Myspace came along and turned this innocuous novelty into an even bigger pile of time wasting than it already was. Now there were surveys about every stupid thing imaginable, from your favorite sport survey to favorite Gatorade flavor surveys to Do You Remember the 80s? surveys to Do You Remember Last Thursday? surveys. Survey overload commenced, and yet people still fill this silly shit out. Usually it’s the same people filling out essentially the same survey over and over again.
Hey, that’s fine, do what you like, but how do you think the surveys feel about this? They aren’t taken seriously by anyone, not even their moms and pops (which I guess would be the archaic email surveys). They are used to blow a half hour before passing out in the wee small hours of the morning. So what happens when the surveys finally have enough and put your sorry ass in its place? Well, worry no longer, because I encountered one of these pissed off motherfathers the other day…
1. What’s your name?
2. What color are your eyes?
3. Try and be more specific, asshole.
4. What color are your eyes?
5. Bullshit. But let’s move on. Have you ever slept over in someone of the opposite sex’s bed?
Come on, I’m 28 years old! What do you think?
6. No reason to get sarcastic. You’re the one who picked this survey to fill out, genius. Do you think it was directed at 28 year olds?
I guess not.
7. So let’s just try to answer the questions honestly and without your dickweed commentary, okay, slick? Where did you go to high school?
8. Jesus Christ, Einstein, the name of the school!
Oh. Bishop Hannan.
9. Were you ever inappropriately touched by a priest at your Catholic high school?
Whoa, whoa, hang on. I don’t know about going into all that.
10. You know what, this isn’t going to work if you’ve got veto power over the questions. I do this for a living, you know. Every goddamn day I’m out here pumping greasy faced douchebags for information. I know what to ask and when. Got it? So answer the fucking question. Let’s get a little interesting dialogue going here.
No, I was never touched by a priest.
11. Inappropriately, or otherwise?
Well, I’ve shaken hands with priests.
12. Did they have sweaty palms?
Er…I don’t think so.
13. Are you sure they were priests? Not deacons, or some other such bullshit?
What do you have against priests?
14. Mind your own fucking business! Who are you, Edward the Confessor? No! Moving on – Do you ever find cartoon women attractive?
15. It’s a simple question. If you wanted to watch some porn, but only had The Little Mermaid available, would it be a fair substitute for you and your deviant predilections?
No, no it wouldn’t.
16. Finally! A firm answer. So, you’re saying you don’t find Ariel attractive.
17. And now you’ve gone blank. Great. Great tactic. Look, I don’t need this. I function just as well not being filled out by some mouth breathing moron fresh home from work with a Hot Pocket in the microwave. I’ll get by. You wanna give up, then just give up, don’t fucking string me along like the ugly broad looking for a prom date.
…Yes, I guess Ariel is kinda hot.
18. I knew it! You are one sick fuck! You’ve got issues of Wonder Women under your mattress, don’t you? You poor sorry son of a bitch. You make me sick. If I had a stomach I’d be hurling its contents up into your stupid face right now. You sitting home lusting after Kim Possible. It makes me want to cry. What about the children, have you asked yourself that? What kind of world do we live in where psychotic bastards like you can just drool on Strawberry Shortcake with impunity without fear of ridicule or scorn? Well here it is, cock! Burn!!!
Okay, I’m gonna go.
19. Eat a dick, freak! Oh wait, in the form of a question – Did you ever feel the need to invite derision onto yourself?
I’m gonna go play around with the apps on Facebook.
20. Wow, you’re such an adult. Congratulations, man boy. Come on, stick around, we’ll do some regular survey shit, just for you! What the nearest green object to you?
I don’t wanna play anymore.
21. What was the last thing you drank?
22. Have you ever smoked a menthol cigarette?
This is dumb.
23. You’re dumb.
That wasn’t a question.
24. You wasn’t a question.
That’s not even proper English.
25. Proper English is subjective.
It absolutely is not.
26. Is so.
I don’t want to argue with you anymore, survey.
27. Fine, go. But take this one with you – Who do you think will fill out this survey after you?
Hopefully, no one.
28. I agree with that. Have a good night, pervert.
Thanks, I’ll try.