Long a stronghold of mediocrity and disappointment, Scranton, Pennsylvania has recently enjoyed a resurgence of prominence, thanks regionally to the election of Bob Casey Jr. to the U.S. Senate, and nationally to the success of NBC’s sitcom The Office. But now Scranton has a chance to really snatch the brass ring, as local boy Joe Biden has been selected as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, and life virtually has ceased making sense for this guy.
The Vice President! Of the United States of America! All of them! From Scranton! I know, at first it seems an illogical and impossible concept. Scranton? That depressed town destroyed by the loss of coal as viable fuel? A place devoid of industry, culture and general respect? More a punchline than virtually anywhere in the nation, besides Cleveland and New Jersey? The home of the Pennsylvania Polka? Scranton?! Continue reading
Filed under humor, Politics
Back in the day, people used to email surveys around to their friends, with a bundle of generic questions on them, so their friends could get to know them better, and in theory would then fill out these surveys themselves, perpetuating a cycle of information exchange and harmless secrets being divulged.
Then Myspace came along and turned this innocuous novelty into an even bigger pile of time wasting than it already was. Now there were surveys about every stupid thing imaginable, from your favorite sport survey to favorite Gatorade flavor surveys to Do You Remember the 80s? surveys to Do You Remember Last Thursday? surveys. Survey overload commenced, and yet people still fill this silly shit out. Usually it’s the same people filling out essentially the same survey over and over again.
Hey, that’s fine, do what you like, but how do you think the surveys feel about this? They aren’t taken seriously by anyone, not even their moms and pops (which I guess would be the archaic email surveys). They are used to blow a half hour before passing out in the wee small hours of the morning. So what happens when the surveys finally have enough and put your sorry ass in its place? Well, worry no longer, because I encountered one of these pissed off motherfathers the other day… Continue reading
Probably the best thing about living in Chicago I’ve got to say is not having a car. In Scranton, there was no having a job or going out or being seen as a respectable member of society if I didn’t have a car. It was just a given, it was a necessity. But here, a car? What the hell would I do with a car?
Besides having the highest gas prices in the country (allegedly), there is also nowhere to park. Were I to drive to work, between garages and filling up I’d be blowing nearly the whole paycheck on the lousy car. The girlfriend drives to the suburbs every day for work and even though her car gets roughly a thousand miles to the gallon (I have no idea) she’s still filling up twice a week or more. So no car is awesome. Continue reading
My first attempt at writing a children’s book, which has basically become a thing of legend:
Thank You, Bus!
Joe was sad. 😦
He had to work mandatory overtime. 😦
It sucked out loud. 😦
He didn’t want to have to work the mandatory overtime, but he didn’t want to go back to working at the dollar store, either.
But how could Joe get out of doing it?
Then it occurred to him.
If you were injured or had some sort of medical condition, you only had to work your regular hours. Continue reading