Tag Archives: Scranton

Joe Frozen, or Journeying Through Time Rather Coldly

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.” – Woody Allen

Just ask Sue - Chicago is THE place for your old bones to spend eternity

It all began in one of those typical conversations with my lady, where we’re not exactly sure how this crazed topic came up, but we needed to follow it through to the conclusion anyway.

“What, you wouldn’t want to be buried in Chicago?” I asked.

“I figured if anybody you’d want to be buried in Scranton,” she told me, and that’s a reasonable assumption.

I can only assume this came up after spouting a saying I’ve kicked around for some time now, to measure something’s greatness:

“If I die today after (insert great thing here), just take me to the boneyard and put me in the ground. Tell my momma I love her, tell her I did my best.” Saying in essence, my life will be complete after whatever great thing we experience that day – seeing a concert, eating dangerous sushi, meeting Tommy Wiseau, etc. But it did raise the interesting idea of where my dusty old bones should repose for all eternity. I immediately thought Chicago, because honestly, as much as I like Scranton, there ain’t a whole hell of a lot to do there when you’re alive. The afterlife in NEPA must be boring as shit. Continue reading

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Filed under Death, History, humor, Life

Everything’s Coming Up Scranton!

Long a stronghold of mediocrity and disappointment, Scranton, Pennsylvania has recently enjoyed a resurgence of prominence, thanks regionally to the election of Bob Casey Jr. to the U.S. Senate, and nationally to the success of NBC’s sitcom The Office.  But now Scranton has a chance to really snatch the brass ring, as local boy Joe Biden has been selected as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, and life virtually has ceased making sense for this guy.

The Vice President!  Of the United States of America!  All of them!  From Scranton!  I know, at first it seems an illogical and impossible concept.  Scranton?  That depressed town destroyed by the loss of coal as viable fuel? A place devoid of industry, culture and general respect?  More a punchline than virtually anywhere in the nation, besides Cleveland and New Jersey?  The home of the Pennsylvania Polka?  Scranton?! Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Politics

Fun and Informative Online Survey Time!

Back in the day, people used to email surveys around to their friends, with a bundle of generic questions on them, so their friends could get to know them better, and in theory would then fill out these surveys themselves, perpetuating a cycle of information exchange and harmless secrets being divulged.

 

Then Myspace came along and turned this innocuous novelty into an even bigger pile of time wasting than it already was.  Now there were surveys about every stupid thing imaginable, from your favorite sport survey to favorite Gatorade flavor surveys to Do You Remember the 80s? surveys to Do You Remember Last Thursday? surveys.  Survey overload commenced, and yet people still fill this silly shit out.  Usually it’s the same people filling out essentially the same survey over and over again. 

 

Hey, that’s fine, do what you like, but how do you think the surveys feel about this?  They aren’t taken seriously by anyone, not even their moms and pops (which I guess would be the archaic email surveys).  They are used to blow a half hour before passing out in the wee small hours of the morning.  So what happens when the surveys finally have enough and put your sorry ass in its place?  Well, worry no longer, because I encountered one of these pissed off motherfathers the other day… Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Internet, Technology

The Great Chicago Experiment – What’s Past is Prologue!

Probably the best thing about living in Chicago I’ve got to say is not having a car.  In Scranton, there was no having a job or going out or being seen as a respectable member of society if I didn’t have a car.  It was just a given, it was a necessity.  But here, a car?  What the hell would I do with a car?

 

Besides having the highest gas prices in the country (allegedly), there is also nowhere to park.  Were I to drive to work, between garages and filling up I’d be blowing nearly the whole paycheck on the lousy car.  The girlfriend drives to the suburbs every day for work and even though her car gets roughly a thousand miles to the gallon (I have no idea) she’s still filling up twice a week or more.  So no car is awesome. Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Life, Transportation, Work

The Great Chicago Experiment

Or, as it has been popularly titled by the girlfriend, Phase 2!, Phase 1 being the 21 months she spent here surveying and building an infrastructure and training the locals to do as would be deemed worthy in a Joe+ society.  And for this great city, and for this somewhat decent guy, D-Day arrived, some seventeen sunrises ago.

 

What has transpired since is a litany of job search engines, strategic bar infiltration, and sloth the likes of which this town hasn’t seen since the halcyon days of Big Bill Thompson and Great Depression Illinois.  This guy landed with dreams of reinventing himself as some weird chimera composed of big city gumption and old World Scranton alcoholism.  What has happened since is atypical for the man in question, if you have any knowledge of history, or can manage metaphorical references to Woodstock ’94, the Edsel, New Coke, or the discoveries in Al Capone’s vault. Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Life, Work

Thank You, Bus!

My first attempt at writing a children’s book, which has basically become a thing of legend:

Thank You, Bus!

SchoolBusJoe was sad. 😦
He had to work mandatory overtime. 😦
It sucked out loud. 😦
He didn’t want to have to work the mandatory overtime, but he didn’t want to go back to working at the dollar store, either.
But how could Joe get out of doing it?
Then it occurred to him.
If you were injured or had some sort of medical condition, you only had to work your regular hours. Continue reading

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Filed under Children's books, humor, Work