My name is Joe Cetta, and I approve these messages:
“Tom Smith voted to raise your taxes. He allowed no bid contracts to become the norm at City Hall. He restructured zoning laws to allow a strip club to open next to a kindergarten. He sold the rights to the Brooklyn Bridge without prior ownership. On November 2nd, send a message that this is NOT the sort of man representing your freedoms. Tom Smith – Who is this guy??!?”
“A Chicago Tribune investigation turned up evidence that Lucy Jones hasn’t paid taxes in 53 years. While in office, she voted to give herself a pay raise 109 times. Her plan is to cut Medicare benefits to seniors to $11.14 a year. On November 2nd, don’t vote for her. She’s bad for you, bad for your interests, bad for America.”
“Pete Williams doesn’t like you. Otherwise, why would he have voted to close your nearest grocery store, after already shuttering your closest pharmacy, hospital, gas station, and haberdashery? He voted to put your mother in a nursing home, and he passed legislation allowing the death of your cat. Pete Williams – we can’t afford his leadership.” Continue reading
Great day in the morning! I am pleased to announce that after a lengthy hiatus brought on by lawsuits and corruption and government meddling, smoking is back and better than ever! Big Tobacco has somehow managed to overcome the psychotic litany of laws meant to limit the growth of their industry and bring sweet, sweet smoking out of the shadows and back to the parlor!
A recent study shows that smoking rose among adults in 2008 for the first time in fifteen years. Smoking among young adults is also on the rise, both here and overseas, and in a recent poll the most admired man in America was revealed to be none other than Don Draper, the fictitious lead character on AMC’s Mad Men. The only explanation of Draper’s success, considering he’s a two-faced, womanizing jerk in a glorified office job, is that he smokes pretty much constantly. Cigarettes are back on top!
Now it’s time to capitalize! For too long legislation has been produced limiting where you can smoke and making you pay huge taxes for buying those beautiful, flammable sticks of delight. Clearly America doesn’t care how much it costs or how often they have to stand out in the snow and rain to enjoy it, people are craving their smokes in greater numbers than previously believed possible, and they have rights too! Back in the family room! Back in the Burger King! Back on United Airlines! Smokers have rights too! Continue reading
WASHINGTON D.C. – A group of historians polled by Georgetown University has named Barack Obama the best President in the history of the United States. Not wanting to be seen as premature, a spokesman for the group stated that based on what the president has planned for the country, and assuming all campaign and inaugural promises come to pass, Obama’s legacy will absolutely trounce that of all previous occupiers of the Oval Office.
“We felt we waited long enough in making this inevitable declaration,” historian Albert Hedgefellow said at the press conference this morning. “It’s obvious to anyone with a knowledge of world events and conjecture that President Obama will end up with accomplishments greatly outnumbering those of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Franklin Roosevelt combined.”
Despite his first year in office so far being marred by an ugly battle over healthcare reform, increased fighting in Afganistan, and Chicago losing its bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, the 44th President’s announcements concerning the greatness of life in the future and potential of the world to come has been more than enough for many. Continue reading
John Savo, the force of nature responsible for The Authoring Auctioneer, has been a likeable acquaintance of mine for some time, and an unlikeable one even longer. We grew up together in the mines, unearthing coal in the PA tunnels and owing our souls to the company store like many generations before us. Somewhere along the way, this guy got blogging and drinking enough to qualify as middle class, and next thing you know he’s spending more time in Olyphant than is recommended for one’s health and calling it a life. Strange, I know. Recently, he contacted me with hopes of conducting an interview regarding my rousing campaign for the Presidency in 2016. After many consultations with my legal team (i.e. my girlfriend and my lunatic upstairs neighbor), I agreed.
: Your day-job involves processing insurance claims. This is your first qualifiction to be President of these United States.
: Nothing prepares you to sympathize with the plight of the common man like working in medical insurance. I suppose it would be better to be an oil man? Or a golddigger? Not that I’m against golddigging – fine sport, really. But really, besides education, money, real world experience, poise, and a zest for young interns, what do politicians have? Nothing that you don’t find in your average claims processor. Let’s not discount the years I spent working in the mall either, slick. That’s real f*ckin’ life right there. Continue reading
Long a stronghold of mediocrity and disappointment, Scranton, Pennsylvania has recently enjoyed a resurgence of prominence, thanks regionally to the election of Bob Casey Jr. to the U.S. Senate, and nationally to the success of NBC’s sitcom The Office. But now Scranton has a chance to really snatch the brass ring, as local boy Joe Biden has been selected as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, and life virtually has ceased making sense for this guy.
The Vice President! Of the United States of America! All of them! From Scranton! I know, at first it seems an illogical and impossible concept. Scranton? That depressed town destroyed by the loss of coal as viable fuel? A place devoid of industry, culture and general respect? More a punchline than virtually anywhere in the nation, besides Cleveland and New Jersey? The home of the Pennsylvania Polka? Scranton?! Continue reading
Filed under humor, Politics
With various polls showing him trailing Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama by a substantial margin, Republican nominee John McCain made a stunning announcement yesterday that he too appeared in the 1987 sci-fi action hit Predator, along side future governors Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, with hopes that this would convince young voters that he was not only qualified for the Presidency, but also that he was “cool,” “hip,” and “with it.”
“I have been reluctant to share the details of my involvement in the film for many years,” McCain told a surprised crowd at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver. “This is mostly because filming occurred during my first run for the Senate, and I thought it would reflect badly if the people of Arizona knew I was skipping off to Mexico for weeks at a time to make this action film. But yes, I too was in Predator. No one has recognized this all these years because I, in fact, was the Predator.”
"Six hours in the make-up chair, every day."