My name is Joe Cetta, and I approve these messages:
“Tom Smith voted to raise your taxes. He allowed no bid contracts to become the norm at City Hall. He restructured zoning laws to allow a strip club to open next to a kindergarten. He sold the rights to the Brooklyn Bridge without prior ownership. On November 2nd, send a message that this is NOT the sort of man representing your freedoms. Tom Smith – Who is this guy??!?”
“A Chicago Tribune investigation turned up evidence that Lucy Jones hasn’t paid taxes in 53 years. While in office, she voted to give herself a pay raise 109 times. Her plan is to cut Medicare benefits to seniors to $11.14 a year. On November 2nd, don’t vote for her. She’s bad for you, bad for your interests, bad for America.”
“Pete Williams doesn’t like you. Otherwise, why would he have voted to close your nearest grocery store, after already shuttering your closest pharmacy, hospital, gas station, and haberdashery? He voted to put your mother in a nursing home, and he passed legislation allowing the death of your cat. Pete Williams – we can’t afford his leadership.” Continue reading
Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell. This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs. Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.
Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community. America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always). Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor. And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.
I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions: 1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. Continue reading
Here is a variation on the cover letter I sent around when I first arrived, in search of employment:
Joe, the Future Veep of Your Co.
Chicago, IL 60614
June 1, 2008
Re: Open bank Vice-President position
Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, or otherwise,
I am writing in regards to the available bank Vice-President position you have posted on Craigslist. I feel with no little exaggeration that I can step in tomorrow and execute the demands of the role to within an inch of perfection. So confident am I in fact that I suggest the current President best start scouting condos in Rehoboth Beach, because retirement is nigh. Continue reading