November 2, 2010 · 9:20 pm
My name is Joe Cetta, and I approve these messages:
“Tom Smith voted to raise your taxes. He allowed no bid contracts to become the norm at City Hall. He restructured zoning laws to allow a strip club to open next to a kindergarten. He sold the rights to the Brooklyn Bridge without prior ownership. On November 2nd, send a message that this is NOT the sort of man representing your freedoms. Tom Smith – Who is this guy??!?”
“A Chicago Tribune investigation turned up evidence that Lucy Jones hasn’t paid taxes in 53 years. While in office, she voted to give herself a pay raise 109 times. Her plan is to cut Medicare benefits to seniors to $11.14 a year. On November 2nd, don’t vote for her. She’s bad for you, bad for your interests, bad for America.”
“Pete Williams doesn’t like you. Otherwise, why would he have voted to close your nearest grocery store, after already shuttering your closest pharmacy, hospital, gas station, and haberdashery? He voted to put your mother in a nursing home, and he passed legislation allowing the death of your cat. Pete Williams – we can’t afford his leadership.” Continue reading →
November 17, 2009 · 9:49 pm
Great day in the morning! I am pleased to announce that after a lengthy hiatus brought on by lawsuits and corruption and government meddling, smoking is back and better than ever! Big Tobacco has somehow managed to overcome the psychotic litany of laws meant to limit the growth of their industry and bring sweet, sweet smoking out of the shadows and back to the parlor!
A recent study shows that smoking rose among adults in 2008 for the first time in fifteen years. Smoking among young adults is also on the rise, both here and overseas, and in a recent poll the most admired man in America was revealed to be none other than Don Draper, the fictitious lead character on AMC’s Mad Men. The only explanation of Draper’s success, considering he’s a two-faced, womanizing jerk in a glorified office job, is that he smokes pretty much constantly. Cigarettes are back on top!
Now it’s time to capitalize! For too long legislation has been produced limiting where you can smoke and making you pay huge taxes for buying those beautiful, flammable sticks of delight. Clearly America doesn’t care how much it costs or how often they have to stand out in the snow and rain to enjoy it, people are craving their smokes in greater numbers than previously believed possible, and they have rights too! Back in the family room! Back in the Burger King! Back on United Airlines! Smokers have rights too! Continue reading →
Filed under humor, Life, Politics, Television
Tagged as Barack Obama, Don Draper, Joe Camel, Mad Men, Marlboro Man, Obama Smoking, President Obama, Smoking
October 15, 2009 · 7:26 pm
Meghan McCain finds herself embroiled in controversy this morning after posting a picture on popular social networking site Twitter.com yesterday in which she holds an Andy Warhol biography and smiles, clearly implying she enjoys it. The wildly sexy McCain, contributing writer for the website The Daily Beast, and her choice of literature elicited hundreds of negative comments and vociferous outrage about her choice of reading material.
“WHAT THE -?!” posted Twitter user SirSnarksalot. “How someone as mind-blowingly attractive as @McCainBlogette could be interested in a pasty no-talent like Warhol is personally offensive!”
“Incredible!” posted McDeetzey. “With a YOWZA body and killer smile like @McCainBlogette has, you think she’d know better! Warhol was a hack!” Continue reading →
Filed under humor, Internet, News, Politics, Publishing, Reading
Tagged as 2020 Election, Andy Warhol, Boobs, Breasts, John McCain, Literature, Meghan McCain, Presidential Campaign, Presidential Election, Tank top, Twitpic, Twitter
October 9, 2009 · 7:44 pm
WASHINGTON D.C. – A group of historians polled by Georgetown University has named Barack Obama the best President in the history of the United States. Not wanting to be seen as premature, a spokesman for the group stated that based on what the president has planned for the country, and assuming all campaign and inaugural promises come to pass, Obama’s legacy will absolutely trounce that of all previous occupiers of the Oval Office.
“We felt we waited long enough in making this inevitable declaration,” historian Albert Hedgefellow said at the press conference this morning. “It’s obvious to anyone with a knowledge of world events and conjecture that President Obama will end up with accomplishments greatly outnumbering those of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Franklin Roosevelt combined.”
Despite his first year in office so far being marred by an ugly battle over healthcare reform, increased fighting in Afganistan, and Chicago losing its bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, the 44th President’s announcements concerning the greatness of life in the future and potential of the world to come has been more than enough for many. Continue reading →
Filed under History, humor, Politics
Tagged as Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Best President Ever, Franklin Roosevelt, historians, Michelle Obama, Nobel Peace Prize, President, Thomas Jefferson, United States
September 25, 2008 · 11:41 pm
John Savo, the force of nature responsible for The Authoring Auctioneer, has been a likeable acquaintance of mine for some time, and an unlikeable one even longer. We grew up together in the mines, unearthing coal in the PA tunnels and owing our souls to the company store like many generations before us. Somewhere along the way, this guy got blogging and drinking enough to qualify as middle class, and next thing you know he’s spending more time in Olyphant than is recommended for one’s health and calling it a life. Strange, I know. Recently, he contacted me with hopes of conducting an interview regarding my rousing campaign for the Presidency in 2016. After many consultations with my legal team (i.e. my girlfriend and my lunatic upstairs neighbor), I agreed.
: Your day-job involves processing insurance claims. This is your first qualifiction to be President of these United States.
: Nothing prepares you to sympathize with the plight of the common man like working in medical insurance. I suppose it would be better to be an oil man? Or a golddigger? Not that I’m against golddigging – fine sport, really. But really, besides education, money, real world experience, poise, and a zest for young interns, what do politicians have? Nothing that you don’t find in your average claims processor. Let’s not discount the years I spent working in the mall either, slick. That’s real f*ckin’ life right there. Continue reading →
Filed under Correspondence, humor, Politics, Television
Tagged as 2016 Election, 2016 Presidency, American Monarchy, Barack Obama, Blue Moon, Canada, Iran, John McCain, Judge Reinhold, Judge Wapner, Korea, Palpatine, Presidential Election, Taco Bell, Tornadoes, Two and a Half Men, White Bread
August 25, 2008 · 2:27 am
Long a stronghold of mediocrity and disappointment, Scranton, Pennsylvania has recently enjoyed a resurgence of prominence, thanks regionally to the election of Bob Casey Jr. to the U.S. Senate, and nationally to the success of NBC’s sitcom The Office. But now Scranton has a chance to really snatch the brass ring, as local boy Joe Biden has been selected as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, and life virtually has ceased making sense for this guy.
The Vice President! Of the United States of America! All of them! From Scranton! I know, at first it seems an illogical and impossible concept. Scranton? That depressed town destroyed by the loss of coal as viable fuel? A place devoid of industry, culture and general respect? More a punchline than virtually anywhere in the nation, besides Cleveland and New Jersey? The home of the Pennsylvania Polka? Scranton?! Continue reading →
Filed under humor, Politics
Tagged as Aaron Burr, Barack Obama, Bob Casey Jr., Charles Fairbanks, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Elbridge Gerry, Garret Hobart, Gerry McNamara, Jason Miller, Joe Biden, Michael Scott, Scranton, Spiro Agnew, The Office, Vice President
August 11, 2008 · 5:15 am
August 8, 2008 · 4:38 am
With various polls showing him trailing Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama by a substantial margin, Republican nominee John McCain made a stunning announcement yesterday that he too appeared in the 1987 sci-fi action hit Predator, along side future governors Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, with hopes that this would convince young voters that he was not only qualified for the Presidency, but also that he was “cool,” “hip,” and “with it.”
“I have been reluctant to share the details of my involvement in the film for many years,” McCain told a surprised crowd at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver. “This is mostly because filming occurred during my first run for the Senate, and I thought it would reflect badly if the people of Arizona knew I was skipping off to Mexico for weeks at a time to make this action film. But yes, I too was in Predator. No one has recognized this all these years because I, in fact, was the Predator.”
"Six hours in the make-up chair, every day."
Continue reading →
Filed under humor, News, Politics
Tagged as 2008 Election, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, Danny Glover, Howard Dean, humor, Jesse Ventura, John McCain, John McTiernan, Kevin Peter Hall, Mike Huckabee, Predator, Predator 2, President, Satire, Sonny Landham, Tim Pawlenty, Vice President
August 6, 2008 · 4:51 am
As Team Cetta continues to solicit for advice and bribes, the campaign itself has begun to develop and adjust its opinions on the issues of the day. I would like to announce first off that we’ve decided to alter the one concrete stance taken thus far and state that we are now unequivocally Pro-Clown. After some deep soul searching, plus the truckload of honking noses and unicycles generously donated to the warchest, we chose to support clown efforts worldwide, despite the villainy of the Joker.
Continue reading →
July 22, 2008 · 5:18 am
July 21, 2008 · 6:58 pm
The race for the 2016 Presidency is now well underway, and honestly, things could have started off better in Camp Cetta, that’s for damn sure. Thus far we’ve raised approximately squat to fund the campaign, making it hard to hire staff, and harder to afford bribes, plus we are yet to be approached by civic organizations, lobbyists, special interest groups, the mafia and/or a political party willing to endorse or even recognize our efforts. Our headquarters, currently located in the laundry room of our building, is still without so much as a banner, and our offer to appear on Hardball to discuss the issues of the future with Chris Matthews has gone unaccepted. Things are looking kinda bleak here on day five.
Nonetheless we press on. Despite our fiscal and masculine shortcomings, some events this past week showed promise for the long haul. The candidate (me) pressed the flesh while strolling past the Sheffield Garden Walk, but accidentally, as I didn’t negotiate the sidewalk well and went hands first into a group of DePaul students, who were not appreciative of my mauling. I then chose to pass up actually entering the event, as I felt the cover charge for such a thing was, in so many words, “egregious.” (The actual word used was more colorful and related to feces) Continue reading →
Filed under humor, Life, Movies, Politics
Tagged as 2016 Election, Bob Kane, Brown line, Cafe Sushi, Chicago, Chris Matthews, Clowns, CTA, DePaul University, Guernica, Hardball, Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D, Lion's Head Pub, NTN trivia, Pearl Harbor, President, Presidential Campaign, Presidential Election, Sheffield Garden Walk, Spanish Civil War, Sushi, The Dark Knight
July 16, 2008 · 1:11 am
Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell. This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs. Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.
Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community. America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always). Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor. And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.
I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions: 1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. Continue reading →
Filed under humor, Life, Politics, Work
Tagged as America, China, Columbia, Deep Impact, humor, Iraq, McCain, Morgan Freeman, Nairobi, Obama, Old Style, Oval Office, President, Presidential Election, Prom, White House