John McCain Claims He Was in Predator, Too

With various polls showing him trailing Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama by a substantial margin, Republican nominee John McCain made a stunning announcement yesterday that he too appeared in the 1987 sci-fi action hit Predator, along side future governors Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, with hopes that this would convince young voters that he was not only qualified for the Presidency, but also that he was “cool,” “hip,” and “with it.”

“I have been reluctant to share the details of my involvement in the film for many years,” McCain told a surprised crowd at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver.  “This is mostly because filming occurred during my first run for the Senate, and I thought it would reflect badly if the people of Arizona knew I was skipping off to Mexico for weeks at a time to make this action film.  But yes, I too was in Predator.  No one has recognized this all these years because I, in fact, was the Predator.”

"Six hours in the make-up chair, every day."

In addition to Ventura and Schwarzenegger’s successful runs as governors in Minnesota and California respectively, Predator co-star and former porno actor Sonny Landham recently announced he would run for the Senate in Kentucky this fall.  This sparked a frenzy of Predator political possibilities, with Carl Weathers name being mentioned in no fewer than six U.S. Representative races around the nation.  And thus, it is assumed, did McCain finally break his silence about his portrayal of the alien monster in the picture.

But with virtually no proof to back up his claims, McCain is being seen as at best a desperate opportunist, and at worst a senile, cracked dolt.

“How he expects anyone to swallow this nonsense is beyond me,” Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean responded when asked for comment.  “If he was the Predator, then I played Robocop.  I think that was right after Barack won that Oscar for his work as Lando Calrissian.”

McCain, however, stuck to his story.

“The filmmakers wanted someone with experience in jungle combat, and also someone who could handle the complex psychological task of portraying a hunted being, seen as an enemy by everyone around him,” McCain explained.  “My years spent in Vietnam led them to offer me the role, and I jumped at the chance.”

McCain added, “Did you see how I kicked Jesse the Body’s ass?  I mean I really put a strong hurt on that guy.  If Arnold wasn’t the star of the film, I would’ve wiped out the group of them in like 25 minutes.  I was born to play the Predator.  Oh, and I was born to lead.  That too.”

The film’s director John McTiernan refused to comment, saying only that he didn’t involve himself in the business of politics.  Cryptically, though, he wondered aloud whether or not McCain played the creature in Predator 2 as well, which McTiernan did not direct.  Danny Glover could not be reached for comment on this speculation.

Unfortunately (and for McCain, conveniently) unavailable for interviews as well was Kevin Peter Hall, the 7’2″ actor credited with playing the role in both films.  Mr. Hall died in 1991.

Future V.P.?

In addition to this bombshell, McCain is expected to choose his running mate on the Republican ticket in the next ten days, with the lead candidates appearing to be current Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, former Arkansas Governor (and former opponent) Mike Huckabee, and the newly thrust into the pack dark horse contender, actor Bill Duke, who played the role of Mac in Predator.

Mr. Duke couldn’t be reached for comment, either.