Believe it or not, I’ve found there are certain employment opportunities out there that I’m not suited for. Whether you know me or not, this should come as no surprise. Rare is the person who can just step into any temp agency and qualify for the whole board of available listings. So, with that in mind, here is a list I’ve compiled of 300 jobs, titles, and positions that I am extremely unlikely to ever have in this lifetime. Of course, feel free to add to it, as this is a remarkably brief list, considering the guy in question:
1. Baker Street Irregular
2. Donkey puncher
5. Assistant to the Regional Manager
6. Head Writer for Two and a Half Men
7. Lead Phlebotomist at Geisinger in Danville
8. Sous Chef
9. Patron saint of mediocrities
10. Designated Hitter for the Cincinnati Reds
11. Beer Vendor at Ebbets Field
12. Dean of Admissions at the Sorbonne
13. Office of the Exchequer clerk
14. Miss Teen U.S.A.
15. Center for the Charlotte Hornets
16. Captain X-Ray Specs
17. Longshoreman on Lake Scranton
18. Understudy for the Monster – Young Frankenstein on Broadway
19. Rubik’s Cube champion
20. Crystal manufacturer at Folger’s Continue reading
The transcript of the annual May & Muhn Manufacturing Company stockholders meeting, May 3rd, 2008:
The meeting will come to order. Would everyone please be seated? Please? Come on, the bagel cart will still be there when I’m done. Oh, it won’t? Well anyway, welcome, shareholders, I’m glad to see so many of you made the effort to be here today. I’m surprised, actually, I didn’t know you’d find the place. My assistant accidentally put the wrong address on the invites, I’m sure you noticed, haha. It said we’d be in Springfield, Massachusetts, but you still found your way here, to Illinois. How industrious of you all.
I’m sure you’re all wondering after the well being of the board of directors. Rest assured, they are being treated very well, and can finally receive visitors and spend up to an hour a day in the yard. Their interrogation went on longer than expected before they fessed up to their alleged crimes, and now they are being fed human food and are in the general population up in Joliet. So that’s good news, huh? Continue reading
Let’s face it, the nation has gone completely to hell. This isn’t a euphemism either. I believe the explanation for the country’s ailments is that leadership bargained away our collective soul and we are now beginning the descent into the fiery abyss, replete with hot pokers aimed at the colon and demons ready to roast your tootsies on shish kebabs. Better stock up on Bermuda shorts and capris, cause the heatwave is about to become a year round event.
Thankfully, this is an election year, in which new leadership will attempt to right the rickety ship of state, and bring us back to prominence in the global community. America came in just behind Nairobi and Columbia in the popularity vote from this year’s Earth Prom in May (China won again, and we suspect voter tampering as always). Our poor showing may be due to the fact that we brought Iraq, again, as our date, and that bitch is really holding us back on the dance floor. And rumors persist that we’re practically married to that hag by now, and that we’re going to same college in the fall, so there really is no end in sight.
I have assessed the situation to the best of my political science abilities, surveyed the state of things and determined the direction best for this once great land, coming ultimately to two quick conclusions: 1) I know slightly less about international politics than I do about ice fishing and 2) I am primed and ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. Continue reading
Here is a variation on the cover letter I sent around when I first arrived, in search of employment:
Joe, the Future Veep of Your Co.
Chicago, IL 60614
June 1, 2008
Re: Open bank Vice-President position
Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, or otherwise,
I am writing in regards to the available bank Vice-President position you have posted on Craigslist. I feel with no little exaggeration that I can step in tomorrow and execute the demands of the role to within an inch of perfection. So confident am I in fact that I suggest the current President best start scouting condos in Rehoboth Beach, because retirement is nigh. Continue reading
Probably the best thing about living in Chicago I’ve got to say is not having a car. In Scranton, there was no having a job or going out or being seen as a respectable member of society if I didn’t have a car. It was just a given, it was a necessity. But here, a car? What the hell would I do with a car?
Besides having the highest gas prices in the country (allegedly), there is also nowhere to park. Were I to drive to work, between garages and filling up I’d be blowing nearly the whole paycheck on the lousy car. The girlfriend drives to the suburbs every day for work and even though her car gets roughly a thousand miles to the gallon (I have no idea) she’s still filling up twice a week or more. So no car is awesome. Continue reading
The third and very likely final children’s book I’ll ever write, this one obviously wrapping up all the loose ends and plot threads that had been strung through Thank You, Bus! and Thank You, Coma!
Thank You, Meth Lab!
Joe was sad 😦
He was broke and had started working more hours to earn extra buckaroos 😦
His job was a stinking heap of no fun 😦
But what else could he do?
How does an honest lad of marginal skill and limited ambition make ends meet?
One day while lamenting the price of peas, Joe overhead some of his cube neighbors.
They were discussing the money making potential, and general coolness, of illicit drugs.
Joe liked money, and general coolness. Continue reading