I’m Sorry, We’re Going to Have to Let You Go

Hey, thanks for coming in, please have a seat. Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Oh, you just came back from lunch? What’s in the cafeteria today, that spinach ravioli? I get mad heartburn every Monday from that, I swear.

So look, I don’t want to keep you in suspense, you may have heard some rumors around the office, and yes, we’re gonna be doing a little restructuring, playing with the layout of the cubicals and copiers and whatnot, and the bottom line is I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.

Are you sure you don’t want some juice or something?

"Yeah, like them, just hotter"

The fact of the matter is, without being too vague or anything, our big picture strategy for your role here really requires that either someone else be doing your job or your job being eliminated entirely. Sorry? Okay, that’s a fair question. It’s not that you’re obsolete, or what you’ve done up until this point has been quote-unquote worthless, or that the resources spent on you would be better spent on more comfortable footrests. It’s not that we don’t appreciate whatever it is you did in 2009, or think that we could get a cheap temp to perform all of your job functions and better in a part time capacity. It isn’t that a sweet looking intern can really raise morale across the board and kind of class up the after work get togethers at Applebee’s. Jeez, that’s a pretty good idea. Like a fresh out of college, eager 22 year old, maybe who ran a little track, spends a little too much time in the gym. Wow. What were we talking about?

Oh right. It’s more that, well – okay, all honesty? No management speak? We’re thinking of taking the team in a new direction, one a bit more avant garde, a bit more unconventional, but without losing our straightforward conventionality.

Really? I’m sorry I can’t explain it better. That’s clear as crystal to me, and that’s the decision that came down yesterday. Look, if you need the rest of the day, sort out your personal papers, maybe grab a ream of paper to print up some resumes at your home, I’ll look the other way on that.

How are the kids doing, by the way? That’s a fine looking family you’ve got there. Really fine looking. What’s your littlest girl’s name? See, I never got that, was it some kind of in-joke between you and your wife? Oh, her grandmother was named Googie. Sure. No, it’s pretty, I guess.

Are you sure you don’t want a drink? Maybe a little bourbon? Little Maker’s Mark?

"Get back to where you once belonged"

No I don’t think you’re an alcoholic! But that could also be part of the reason we’re at the occupational crossroads that we are here today. You’re at the same time too reliable and too unreliable, while also being too much of a loner and way too much of a team player. You have a bright and sunny disposition, except when you don’t, and your presence is both comforting and unnerving.

This is your employment Waterloo here, and I’m leaning toward an epilogue where you find yourself on Elba. Now there’s no reason for that kind of talk! That’s just history, there’s no changing that. They were French, and it was like the 14th century, that’s what they did. Now you’re being awfully argumentative, are you some sort of Napoleon scholar all of a sudden? How should I know when that happened?

Oh, also, we’re still having that pot luck tomorrow, can we rely on your brie loaf? Of course, the termination isn’t effective until Friday, we’re not monsters. Also, no one here knows how to make brie loaf, and it’s always a big hit. That was probably the hardest part of deciding to let you go, honestly.

Now, it’s not that we don’t know what your area is – well, was, excuse me – it’s that we seem to have gotten by without that knowledge long enough that we figure it can’t be anything too essential. You aren’t involved with payroll in any capacity, are you? Then yeah, we’re comfortable with my office today being your career Golgotha, but look at how that played out long term for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Perhaps you will find some great later life or post life success as we-

"That's fine, Jesus doesn't accept you either"

Now that is really uncalled for! Of course I wasn’t mocking your religion! I didn’t have the slightest idea you don’t believe in the one true God, the creator of Heaven and Earth. But frankly, this doesn’t bode well for the chances of your severance pay being anything strong. Seriously, without faith, you end up, well, here, where you are now, staring at the gaping maw of Unemployment Hell.

How is that illegal? Are you in our legal department? I didn’t think so! I can belittle your lack of embracing the sacred bleeding flaming heart of Jesus all I like! That’s my prerogative as a Christian!

"I'd like her to collate some data, if you know what I mean"

Listen, you’re making me a bit uncomfortable, dragging religion in like this. It’s not like I insulted your mother, or your droopy eye. That would make some sense. Like if I talked about how sexy the photos on your desk are, of your daughter’s volleyball team, that might be sort of out of line. But not really! That’s a compliment! Googie is a stone cold fox! She’s not looking for a job, maybe as an intern?

You’re really way too sensitive! Calm it down, heathen! With all this passion I’d confuse you for a real excitable Protestant. Oh my God, how is that offensive?!

This really hasn’t gone like I’d hoped, but sincerely, truly, we appreciate your time here, and wish you well in your future endeavors. No, I – I understand you don’t want to stay through to Friday. Really, we can get our realignment plans started that much sooner. Take care.

Oh, and hey, if you could leave your daughter’s contact information with the girl, we’d really appreciate it.

Get off of me! Security!

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Filed under humor, Work

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