Speech to the Shareholders at the Annual Meeting

The transcript of the annual May & Muhn Manufacturing Company stockholders meeting, May 3rd, 2008:

The meeting will come to order.  Would everyone please be seated?  Please?  Come on, the bagel cart will still be there when I’m done.  Oh, it won’t?  Well anyway, welcome, shareholders, I’m glad to see so many of you made the effort to be here today.  I’m surprised, actually, I didn’t know you’d find the place.  My assistant accidentally put the wrong address on the invites, I’m sure you noticed, haha.  It said we’d be in Springfield, Massachusetts, but you still found your way here, to Illinois.  How industrious of you all.

I’m sure you’re all wondering after the well being of the board of directors.  Rest assured, they are being treated very well, and can finally receive visitors and spend up to an hour a day in the yard.  Their interrogation went on longer than expected before they fessed up to their alleged crimes, and now they are being fed human food and are in the general population up in Joliet.  So that’s good news, huh?

Since their mass arrest on the tarmac last week, the company jet has been repossessed, so there is no worries about any future employees attempting to abscond from justice.  The stock has also taken a bit of a tumble, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.  Again, how did you find out the meeting was here?  Not just in a different time zone, but also in the basement storage room of this shitty linen supply company, pardon my French?  I just found out where it was going to be this morning.  Well done, again. Pat yourselves on the back, why don’t you.

So I’d like to try and assure you that the company will continue operations as always, and that we expect the stock to rebound in the near future.  Thanks for coming.

(Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, shouting, cursing, scuffling)

What’s the plan?? I-I don’t know.  Look, we’re still here, right?  We’ve still got buildings with employees doing things.  Just because the head’s been cut off doesn’t mean the body has to die, does it?  What?  What are you, a doctor now, Smith?  Nonetheless, I’m still here, still in charge, you can take comfort in that.  I didn’t try to run off to El Salvador with all the company funds and fax machines.  You should be happy we weeded the criminals out of the boardroom.

Okay, you shouldn’t be happy, bad choice of words.  I know the stock is shot right now and you’ve lost fortunes.  But I bet I lost more than any of you!  You want to have pity, you want to feel sorry for yourselves, feel sorry for me!  I’m knee deep in our stock!  I’ve got tons of the shit!  I don’t know if I’m supposed to or not, being the president of the company, but maybe that’s how I became president in the first place.  I really don’t remember anymore.  We had some kind of meeting, right?  There was a show of hands?  I greased those palms?  No?  Anyway, isn’t that a comfort at least?  You’re not suffering alone!

I’m sorry, I’m not sure what I’m saying right now.  I’m not going to lie to you all, I’ve been taking a lot of medication since this all happened.  I mean A LOT a lot.  It keep me mellow, and keeps me from diving off my penthouse balcony.  A few downers and a quart of rum and I’m in good spirits, with my fourteen-cent stock certificates.

So basically, I’m asking you guys to hang in there.  You don’t want to unload your May & Muhn stock now!  For what, the eleven bucks you’ll get?  We’ll bounce back. Once the story is off the front page everything will be fine.  The public has a short memory, and a short attention span, and from what I’ve heard, a small little tiny dick too.  What?  Oh, sorry, sorry.  Again, I’m half out of it, and even that’s being generous.

So, for next year, what you can look forward to, besides the current abject poverty that grips us all and is dragging us to despair and to the pharmacy to get refills on the pills twice a day…and you know, they say you shouldn’t take a lot of these pills when drinking, because they could kill you or whatever, but I find that if you grind the pills up and just stir them into the bottle, it give your liquor one hell of a kick.  Hell, sprinkle some on your ice cream while you’re at it.  Or your Wheaties.  Breakfast of fucking champions, indeed!  Give it a run up the flagpole, see if it gets you going.  I’m sleeping like a coma patient these days.

Where was I?  Oh right, welcome to Massachusetts!  Has anyone gotten out to the cape on their visit?  Lovely this time of – what?  Oh, the upcoming year, right.  We’ve got big plans, let me tell you.  First off, decisions are going to be made a lot faster at the corporate level.  Why?  You’re looking it, my darlings.  I mean, I’m the whole level, at this juncture.  We’re not replacing the board of directors.  It didn’t work before and I’ll be fucked before trying it again.  So I’m the beginning and end of company policy.  Take a look at it.  The alpha and the omega.  And now that we’re there, I’ve got some other news for you, too.

After careful deliberation with myself, and taking into account this report my assistant just handed me, which I’ll hold up for you – can you see this?  In the back?  Up on the screen, here, look.  Right, well, she’s quitting, and our headquarters has just been repossessed too, which I didn’t know was possible.  How is that possible?!  So, without a building or an assistant, I’m now officially the president of a storage room in a linen factory somewhere in New England.  What’s that?  Oh, what, got your MBA, have you, Smith?  You know just how this works?  Sit down, and fuck yourself hard in the face when you get there, too.

So we’ll be closing up shop, oh, at the end of the day.  Sorry to break it to you all this way, here, away from your desks and framed pictures of your pets and scummy coffee cups or whatever the hell you decorate with.  But we’re through.  Have you seen the stock quote?  Why the Christ would we go on?  Just for laughs?  Fuck that, and up your stupid asses just for thinking of such an idiotic thing.  I’m sure you’ll all be happy at the sewage plant or the Applebee’s or the janitor’s closet you came from before working here.  Smith, I’m sure your sorry ass can get a nice job as a dockworker with that precious little goddamn MBA of yours.

I know, I know, I said we’d be okay, but this hasn’t gone okay over the last ten minutes or so, has it?  No it sure as fuck hasn’t.  So that’s it.  Throwing in the towel.  You want someone to blame?  Don’t blame me, I’m only the guy who kept things running these last several hours and days.  You should all be kissing my hairy nuts. The board?  Those crooked sorry cocksuckers?  Why?  They’re being punished hard, in the back door, in Joliet, repeatedly, as we speak, and probably enjoying every minute of it, the kinky swine.  No, blame yourselves, you pathetic assholes.  You brought this hell on yourself.  You didn’t see this coming?  Well then, I suppose you might get lucky and not see that 18-wheeler before it splatters your rotten guts all over the road.

That’s all I’ve got to say to you.  I’m sick at the sight of you all – especially you, Penny, my loyal fucking assistant.  And you too, Smith.  I’m gonna come down there and beat the shit out of you right after I tell the rest of you douchebags to FUCK OFF AND DIE!  Come here, you little bastard!

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