Believe it or not, I’ve found there are certain employment opportunities out there that I’m not suited for. Whether you know me or not, this should come as no surprise. Rare is the person who can just step into any temp agency and qualify for the whole board of available listings. So, with that in mind, here is a list I’ve compiled of 300 jobs, titles, and positions that I am extremely unlikely to ever have in this lifetime. Of course, feel free to add to it, as this is a remarkably brief list, considering the guy in question:
1. Baker Street Irregular
2. Donkey puncher
3. Fluffer
4. Ghostbuster
5. Assistant to the Regional Manager
6. Head Writer for Two and a Half Men
7. Lead Phlebotomist at Geisinger in Danville
8. Sous Chef
9. Patron saint of mediocrities
10. Designated Hitter for the Cincinnati Reds
11. Beer Vendor at Ebbets Field
12. Dean of Admissions at the Sorbonne
13. Office of the Exchequer clerk
14. Miss Teen U.S.A.
15. Center for the Charlotte Hornets
16. Captain X-Ray Specs
17. Longshoreman on Lake Scranton
18. Understudy for the Monster – Young Frankenstein on Broadway
19. Rubik’s Cube champion
20. Crystal manufacturer at Folger’s
21. Sherpa
22. Winged vigilante
23. Jib Technician
24. Divot replacer – TPC at Sawgrass
25. Chapter president – Future Business Leaders of America
26. Badger abuser
27. Phonograph needle distributor
28. Quill sharpener
29. Accordionist for Godsmack
30. Sheriff of Dodge City
31. Ronald McDonald
32. Trolley Repairman
33. Opening act at Lilith Fair
34. Cleveland steamer
35. The San Diego Chicken
36. Driver’s Ed instructor
37. Marshmallow sculptor – Lucky Charms
38. Turnkey
39. Zamboni stunt driver
40. Space Needle threader
41. Bermuda Triange cartographer
42. Jack Bauer Jr. on 24
43. Member of D12
44. Hospitality major
45. Thong model
46. Moth wrangler
47. Auxiliary Bishop
48. Best boy
49. Harness racing jockey
50. Bus safety expert
51. Mayor of New Amsterdam
52. Store manager – Bath & Body Works
53. The CMAs Entertainer of the Year
54. Demolition Derby winner
55. U-boat captain
56. Host – Yankeeography
57. Contestant – Flavor of Love
58. The Iron Chef
59. Curator of the Christy Mathewson museum and gift shop
60. Satyr
61. Subway train voice over guy
62. Fantasy Football insider – Yahoo! Sports
63. Dominican Republic currency changer
64. Battle of San Juan Hill reenacter
65. President, in the card/drinking game Asshole
66. Taco burglar
67. Wax fruit taste tester
68. WBO Flyweight Champion of the World
69. Flagpole sitter
70. Chip leader – World Series of Poker
71. Kayaker in McCovey Cove
72. Owner/Operator of the first lunar Wawa’s
73. Last member of the Heaven’s Gate cult
74. First man through the door on Black Friday – Home Depot
75. Detective Lieutenant – Keystone Kops
76. Ass spelunker
77. Speechwriter for Jeb Bush 2012 Presidential campaign
78. President – Norman Mailer Society
79. Cigarette girl at the Hotel Casey
80. Defense Against the Dark Arts professor
81. Midfielder for Chelsea
82. Toric lens crafter
83. Ice road trucker
84. Head of SMERSH
85. Ombudsman
86. Top vote getter – Pants Off Dance Off
87. The back end – Snuffleupagus
88. Soup Nazi
89. Second chair cellist – New York Philharmonic
90. First mate on the S.S. Minnow
91. Poop deck hoser
92. Forecastle decorator
93. Ghost writer for Robert Blake’s autobiography Keep Your Eye on My Dead Wife
94. Men’s room attendant – Guantanamo Bay
95. Wookie groomer
96. Superman’s cape tugger
97. Vice Shah of Oman
98. Davy Jones Locker sanitizer
99. Researcher for my mentor’s work, What’s Right About Necrophilia 
100. Duel second
101. Webmaster – Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? fan page
102. PETA liaison to Michael Vick
103. Swank magazine airbrusher
104. Chimney sweep
105. Secret Agent 008
106. Alonzo Mosley, FBI
107. Agent for Cuba Gooding Jr.
108. Dialysis machine operator for Osama bin Laden
109. Video highlights compiler for the 2007 Chicago White Sox
110. Junior college poetry journal editor
111. Plate glass carrying extra in any movie ever made
112. ‘What To Do This Weekend’ columnist for the Tunkhannock New Age Examiner
113. Grand marshal in Wilkes Barre’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade
114. Steroid and HGH tester, professional wrestling
115. Reflecting Pool cleaner
116. Take 5 ingredients arranger
117. Mount Rushmore barber
118. Crocodile Hunter
119. Host – Last Call with Carson Daly
120. All State’s Safe Driver Discount recipient
121. Fight Club referee
122. Head Cheerleader at Notre Dame
123. Brewmaster at the Lion’s Head in Wilkes Barre
124. The college widow
125. The seventh son of a seventh son
126. Pitching coach for the Buffalo Bison
127. Roadie for Captain Beefhart
128. Boson on a Carnival Cruise ship
129. Beer barrel
130. Rattlesnake poacher
131. Town crier
132. Lead animator for The New Adventures of the Street Frogs
133. Silver medalist in the clean and jerk, Beijing 2008
134. Dam tester at the Grand Cooley
135. World record holder – Jungle Hunt for the Atari 2600
136. Roller derby participant
137. Stunt double for Vin Diesel
138. Coin laundry proprietor
139. Boy Scout camp activities director
140. Dolphin flogger
141. Girls volleyball team towel boy
142. Laserdisc player repairman
143. Sluice gate opener
144. Sounds effects supervisor on Debbie Does Des Moines
145. Wandering minstrel
146. Consiglieri
147. Chief mourner
148. Organ harvester
149. Hookah smoking caterpillar
150. Lone gunman
151. Dictator of Greenland
152. Kamikaze pilot
153. The double-decker, booty gettin’ heckler
154. Street tough
155. Opus Dei soldier
156. Locks of Love shearer
157. The fifth Beatle
158. Artistic Director for the Wilmington City Theater Company
159. Jedi
160. Senate Minority Whip
161. Lickspittle
162. Rock band !!! pronouncer
163. Esperanto translator
164. Holocaust denier
165. Scion of Christ
166. Substitute Pre-Calculus teacher
167. Magilla Gorilla aper
168. Turban launderer
169. City of Atlantis window washer
170. Big Apple polisher
171. Supplier of reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
172. First soprano – Vienna Boys Choir
173. Shield repairman – Starship Enterprise
174. Palace eunuch
175. Trans-Atlantic Zeppelin pilot
176. The Duke of Earl
177. Lord High Inquisitor
178. Consul of Cisalpine Gaul
179. Reshingler of Tammany Hall
180. Flip cup ninja
181. Jail bait
182. Cataloguer – Sears Tower
183. Lab rat
184. Milk mustache sporter
185. Locksmith – Florida Keys
186. Trusty sidekick
187. Billy Joel biographer
188. Stand-up philosopher
189. Pest irritator
190. Flea circus gymnast
191. Unicycle badass
192. 18th Ward Alderman – Chicago
193. Windmill tilter
194. County controller
195. Vestal virgin
196. Vomitorium mopper
197. High colonic administerer
198. Key Grip
199. Best in show – Sporting division
200. Inseam measurer
201. Jamaican bobsledding team anchor
202. Pin setter
203. Stall mucker
204. Nightwatchman – Everhart Museum
205. Help desk at the International Space Station
206. Teetotaler
207. Replacement Third Tenor
208. Landscaper for the Olive Garden
209. Happy Meal toy designer
210. King’s rook – human chess game
211. Researcher for Encyclopedia Galactica
212. Mr. Pink
213. Most Promising Newcomer – Golden Globe Awards
214. Joe Millionaire
215. First into the wall, lap one at Daytona
216. Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion, WWE
217. The last of Barrett’s Privateers
218. Harlem Globetrotter
219. Maoist
220. Publisher – Volkischer Beobachter
221. Centurian
222. High priest of Ra
223. Border guard in Laredo 
224. Singing detective
225. Sweeney Among the Nightingales
226. Hired goon
227. New York Friars Club honoree
228. Seal clubber
229. Xylophone jam master
230. Breast reducer
231. Mid-air plane refueler
232. Minister of funk
233. Mirrored stairway polisher
234. Sounding board
235. The guy in the cage – Shark Week
236. Margarita glass salter
237. Haberdasher
238. Cork soaker
239. Lifeguard – Niagara Falls
240. Hiphopper
241. Sidearm lefty out of the bullpen
242. Whig candidate in the presidential election
243. The Sheik of Araby
244. The cock of the walk
245. “Ticket to Hollywood” recipient – American Idol
246. The King of wishful thinking
247. Yes man
248. Chippendale
249. Who – Look who we’ve got our Hanes on now? ads
250. Horse whisperer
251. School guidance counselor
252. Dog psychologist
253. Fact checker – Weekly World News
254. Minister of Propaganda
255. One trick pony
256. Christmas tree tackler
257. Guttersnipe
258. Beastmaster
259. Hand model
260. Human cannonball
261. Bowling ball driller
262. Loch Ness debunker
263. WNBA color commentator
264. Liza Minnelli impersonator
265. Golddigger
266. Spelling Bee champion
267. Pater familius
268. Target practice
269. Cave dweller
270. Knight errant
271. Beat box
272. Prosthetic limb fitter
273. Door to door chiropodist
274. Highway robber
275. Hydroponic weed farmer
276. Firewall douser
277. Freak flag flyer
278. Overnight Eye in the Sky radio weatherman
279. Boy wonder
280. Alsace Lorraine dialect coach
281. Maitre ‘d at Taco Bell
282. Aurora borealis sketcher
283. Revolving door doorman
284. Drug store cowboy
285. Cat declawer
286. Olympic torch bearer
287. Junkyard dog
288. Panda inseminator
289. River Styx boatman
290. Goodyear Blimp pimp
291. Pet detective
292. Offensive tackle – Baltimore Colts
293. Boot black
294. Argonaut
295. Candy stripe
296. Skywriter
297. Scab
298. Dink
299. Blood bank teller
300. The Last of the Mohicans
Knowingly Undersold 