Recently, I ran across a darling little article on a website (n. website – it’s sort of like a video newspaper that doesn’t get smeary on your hands) about common mistakes the average working slob is making when compiling a resume. People working in an office/business/non-sex related capacity have become so used to management speak and phrasing that they were under the assumption that this is what those thick, troglodyte starched collars wanted to see on your menu of jobs and schools. Au contraire, amigo (multi-lingual-ality, it helps)!
But I felt the article left a number of things off. Not everyone is working in the corporate sector, punching the clock and not the boss, eating lunch at the same Subway every day, chatting about the same lousy local sports team, what the weather is supposed to be like Sunday, and “Oh I hope it doesn’t rain cause we’ve gotta head out to the suburbs to get that cheap produce,” and “I don’t know who’s going to be the next mayor, but they better fix this parking situation!” Nope, so not all resumes should or would contain the same trite bullshit. For every “Team player” and “Goal-oriented” they advised against, they missed equally as hackneyed and cloying terms. Here now, Knowingly Undersold’s Resume Guide of Don’ts!
In the future, be sure to avoid the following phrases, no matter your occupation, the job you’re applying for, where you live or grew up, or what form of Tourette’s you might be suffering from:
1.) Whore master, as in “I am a fully qualified and experienced whore master, and can keep dem bitches in line.”
2.) Dem bitches
3.) Daddy issues
4.) Yes Man – no matter how much ass you’re willing to kiss, you shouldn’t mention this on your resume, even if the job is to literally lay lips on buttocks. In that case, they already know you’re a yes man just by receiving the application.
6.) From the Future – You might be looking at the big picture, seeing problems long term, but try and convince a prospective employer that you are actually a time traveler and enjoy your time at the loony bin! (Even though this should be a given – this applies even if you are actually from the future)
7.) Light bondage expert
8.) Heavy bondage expert
9.) Madame Claudia, who you can refer to as My Dominatrix Queen and Ruler
10.) Break maximizing, as in “I can sure make the most out of the time I’m spending not working while at work. I read The American Tragedy using only breaks in one month!” This will set unrealistic expectations for the time you actually are working.
11.) Imflammable – trust me, it doesn’t mean what it first appears to mean. You might think, metaphorically, that this could apply to your personality, or managerial courage, but it just means you can burn to death.
12.) Flammable – see 11.), this is a given, really.
14.) Imagery whiz – Look, unless you’re a poet, no one likes or appreciates imagery (and if you are a poet, God help you finding a real job). You might think telling a story about how dealing with irate customers compares to Prospero raging at the storm, but everyone will likely just think you’re an asshole.
16.) Razzle Dazzle Oriented, as in “I feel my work is very razzle dazzle oriented.” In virtually no profession is this a good thing.
17.) Time Killer
18.) Prison Yard Etiquette
19.) Cocksman – (see whore master)
21.) Coxswain – even if this is the position you’re applying for. Too silly, makes everyone giggle
22.) Steered the Vessel of Life Out of My Vagina – no one is interested, unless maybe you’re applying to work on a cruise ship as the coxswain (see above)
23.) Anti-Hobo Gratuities
25.) Lazy Eyed
26.) Double Jointed – fun, but irrelevant
29.) Pro-marinades – delicious, but pointless
30.) Bong Maker – as in “I can make a bong out of anything – vegetables, garbage cans, PVC pipes, human skulls, baby bottles – anything.” Even for a head shop application or work on a television sitcom, this isn’t going to help.
31.) Cunning linguist – even HR at the U.N. would laugh and throw this away
32.) Fantasy Football Commissioner
33.) Amateur surveillance expert – i.e. Peeping Tom
35.) The Mayor of Power Point – again, even if you were actually elected to office in a town named Power Point, people will just think you’re an arrogant, nerdy douche
37.) Fakin’ It – Let’s say you were a DJ and playing this old Simon & Garfunkel tune was your calling card, still don’t put it on a resume. It’s an overall impression you’re trying to create!
38.) Self Appointed Manager
39.) Water Cooler – never mention it on a resume. If your job was to cool water at some point, say you were a Liquid Temperature Control Engineer or something.
40.) Nerve Wracker
41.) Pot Luck Organizer
42.) So Far Outside the Box I Have to Go Back and Look For the Box Just to Make Sure it Wasn’t Destroyed By My Unconventional New Ideas and Approaches, Which Created a Whole New Box I Subquently Got Ideas Out Of
43.) Spontaneous Sing-Alongs
44.) Copier Jammer
45.) Molesting – literal (e.g. you used to be a priest) or figurative (e.g. you used to be a poet – see 14.)), best to avoid
46.) Beer Pong
47.) Decoy Skills
48.) Lamming It
49.) Document Forging
Now, all you’ve gotta do is take a quick gander through your resume and remove any of the above phrases you find! Your new career is waiting for you! Good luck!