In vainglorious attempts to hide the past, I have deceived many about my adolescence and downright lied to all census takers. On resumes I’ve used words like “lacrosse,” “house party,” and “rap battle champion.” But the weight of these obfuscations is on me now like a millstone. I need to unburden my wretched soul! Now the truth can be told. I was a teenage hobbledehoy.
If Updike had authored the screenplay, this would essentially be Rabbit Redux
In truth! The only “house party” I was associated with starred Kid & Play. This is also where I learned about rap battles – from Kid & Play! That’ll tell you how I grew up. And lacrosse? Shit, I’m still not sure how that sport works. It’s like hockey, right? On grass? Isn’t that just field hockey? What the hell, lacrosse?! Continue reading
With vaccine shipments in short supply or going missing or ending up in the wrong hands, the government had no choice but turn to the semi-retired, but long battle-tested defense against illness and poisoning, Mr. Yuk, last week.
Found living in relative obscurity in a rest home in Phoenix, Mr. Yuk (or Senor Gross, as he’d come to be known in the Southwest) was hesitant about re-entering the fray and putting his face out there again, but when shown the ugly details of the epidemic ravaging the world, Yuk was convinced.
“I do what I can,” Mr. Yuk said at a press conference Monday. “If they’ve gotta plaster my mug on every touchable surface the world over to prevent the spread of this heinous disease, I say let’s do it. We’ll be roasting this swine flu at a luau by next summer!” Continue reading
I’m not sure how old my daughter is at this point – gotta be in her late teens, I’d guess – but she has already reached an advanced developmental stage of turning out a right bitch. Walking around with her pug nose in the air, eight pounds of make-up giving her that extra bit of whorehouse flavor, too good to even say hello to the old man when she passes me in the hallway. My asshole daughter Kelly is fast on her way to being the town bicycle, which everyone gets to take free rides on. The hell with her, that no good cu- oh, wait, Kelly’s her sister – Sandy’s the slutty one. Yeah, the hell with Sandy.
But Kelly’s no walk in the goddamn park either. That rotten, Ben Gay smelling troll takes after her sister with the attitude, but at least I don’t have to worry about her getting knocked up by some skin tag with an erection. No guy with half a brain or eyesight would touch that monster kid of mine. But even if you could somehow overlook her gross ass appearance, she also happens to be just about the meanest pig-tailed, pig-faced demon seed alive. Her brother Todd is lucky to still be breathing after all the beatings and torture Kelly laid on him over the years. More about that douche son of mine in a bit though. Me and the old lady really dropped the ball not drowning that fucking Kelly straight out of the womb. The world will suffer more and more everyday for our mistake. Continue reading