Man, I’ve Got to Fall Asleep

Shit.  This is ridiculous.  I’ve been laying here for an hour.  I’ve got to fall asleep.  I’m exhausted!  How the hell is it that I’m not asleep?  I’m wide awake!  This is bullshit.

“And crazy learner’s permit girl gave me a ride to Babbage’s.”

Aw Christ, and now I’ve got that stuck in my head.  Great.  I can’t fall asleep and this damn cartoon song is running through my head.  Fantastic.  I’m fucked.  No way I’m going to work tomorrow.  But I can’t not go in.  But I’m worthless if I don’t get some sleep.  Maybe I should take some pills.  Maybe I should take some Nyquil.  Sarah’s still got some of that Tylenol PM, that shit knocked me the hell out last time.  She still has that, right?  Did it expire?  I don’t think so.  But if I get up, it’ll be that much longer before I fall asleep.

“And crazy learner’s permit girl gave me a ride -“

Shit!  I’m never going to fall asleep.  I wish I could knock myself out, like if I had some ether or something.  Why can’t they have a device that’ll knock you out, dosing out the ether til your asleep, and then it shuts itself off?  I mean, it could go haywire and kill you, but it’d almost be worth it.  Why the hell can’t that exist for everyday people?!

My legs hurt.  This pillow isn’t working.  Son of a bitch.  And now when I roll over she rolls over and that keeps me up too.  I should go try to sleep on the couch.  I don’t want to keep her up.  But if I get up, it’ll take that much longer to fall asleep.  And I’m exhausted.  I’m wide awake! This is ridiculous.  Goddammit.  I can’t believe people who can just fall asleep anywhere.  What the hell is that like?  I never fall asleep unexpectedly.  Well, virtually never.  There was that time watching Excelsius Dei at Sarah’s old place I passed right out in the chair.  That was amazing.  Maybe I should go throw Excelsius Dei on.  “And crazy learner’s permit girl -” Shit!

You know, how is it we live in a world where they can clone people, there are pills to get hard ons when you’re 90, we can send men into outer space, they split the atom, and yet there is no effective way to fall asleep?  Why haven’t they discovered a phrase you think or a pressure point you can punch like a button and go right out?  What if there is a phrase and I always think it right before I fall asleep but then can never remember it?  I wonder if that’s true.  I guess it could be.  Why the hell isn’t there an off switch though?  That would’ve been convenient.  God didn’t think of that, I guess.

I hate not being able to sleep.  I’ve been here for hours now.  It’s too hot, my legs hurt, it’s too quiet, she’s moving again!, “crazy learner’s permit girl,” I’m kinda hungry, stupid goddamn job, you know if I didn’t have that job I’d be dead asleep, no question, it’s because I know I have to get up tomorrow that I can’t sleep, I swear to god, Jesus fucking Christ I hate not being able to sleep.  And I’m exhausted!

Well I’ll sleep good tomorrow, that’s for sure.  I’m gonna be dead tired all day.  I’m coming home after work and going right to bed.  That’s not true.  It’ll be like a waste of a day.  But then if I stay up I could get sick.  That’s always how it is.  I don’t sleep, I get a sore throat, and then I’ve practically got a cold, even if I do sleep enough the next day.  This is bullshit!  I’ve got to fall asleep.  Maybe I should go sleep on the couch.  But then I’ll be more awake.  Maybe I should eat something.  What?  We don’t have anything to whip up at 4:15 – 5:00!!  It’s five already?!  Son of a bitch!  I’ve got to get up in two hours!  This sucks!  Why can’t I just fall asleep.

Life.  Don’t even talk to me about life.

“And crazy learner’s permit girl gave me a ride to Babbage’s.”

I’m fucked.


Filed under humor, Life

2 responses to “Man, I’ve Got to Fall Asleep

  1. Adam

    This was intense man. A nice stream of consciousness feel. Relatable.

  2. Have you tried radical masturbation?

    Like the new blog template… Much better. And you forehead is so sexy!

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