Famed author. Presidential candidate. Teen Wolf enthusiast. With all these titles under my belt, and all these planned-for accomplishments piling up like forgotten mail, what else could I possibly have room on my dance card for in the coming weeks, months, and years? What psychotically huge and controversial project could I sink my teeth into for anywhere from one to three hours a month for the remainder of my life? Well, it’s a doozy. A writing project, a writing challenge, and it’s a sequel to something I didn’t begin.
“What a hack!” you are undoubtedly muttering to the kid next to you at Starbucks, upon the reading of this. Well leave that kid alone. He doesn’t care for your hullabaloo anymore than I do, and that ain’t much, sister. It’s not like I’ve decided to tackle an unauthorized Harry Potter 8, or the fourth of The Three Musketeers, or Mobiest Dick, no no. What I have in mind is much grander, and steeped in that noblest of all pursuits – straight cash, homey.
When one finds themselves pondering the success of commercial endeavors, one invariably falls on the perennial interests of the common man. What is it that appeals to a person at their core? In their heart of hearts? What fills the recesses of the soul with hope and joy and understanding? Well rest assured, I’m not writing pornography, thank you very much. Some good that would do me with the future estranged voters of Iowa! Down from that, though, you find some pretty decent options, even to someone of such limited interests and beliefs as myself.
So I’ve decided to write a sequel to no less than the Greatest Story Ever Told (and no, I’m not talking about Hop on Pop by Monsieur Seuss with the PhD). That’s correct, durch gott! It’s high time for The Bible, Part II, especially if written by this guy!
Now hold on a second, before you go getting your knickers in a tizzy – or whatever it is knickers do when not losing basketball games – hear me out. I realize that La Biblia as is forms the basic structure of a variety of religions, or at least I think parts of it does. I’m not sure who much adheres to the Book of Revelations, even though I once considered making it into an animated feature, preferably with Disney-style cartoons and talking scrolls and Pestilence. But no! Thwarted! Prince of Egypt bombed and animated Bible stories were tossed on the backburner like so many Lost in Space sequels.
So I’m not pretending that I would transform religions with the hotly awaited follow-up. Mine would be more an adventure story, with the now twice resurrected Jesus fighting crime on his noble steed of a camel, Humpy, and the remnants of the Apostles following behind in dune buggies. And the villains! Villains that will make Goliath look like Sabtechah, son of Cush! We’ll have corrupt kings with the heads of serpents and asses of chrome! There will be sexy maidens made of breasts and fingernails to entice the undead Messiah, and he will rightly shun them for their lascivious cuticles and tear away thong sandals.
And man, are we going to cut down on parables. No parables of any kind. Not even a hint of one. Hell, we’re not going to have any imagery either. No metaphors. No similes! It’s actually going to be more like a Harry Potter book than originally intended, but nonetheless! It’s going to be action and excitement and bloodshed!
Now, if down the road a few years some cracked up jahoobies get hold of my colossal best-selling opus – after I’ve been burned alive on the Vatican steps and denounced the world over – and those yahoos want to start up some sort of religion based on the ramblings of my avaricious mind, let them have at it. If Scientology can do it, so can this guy. I’m out to nickel and dime the hell out of this sequel, and I don’t see what can stop me, short of an act of God.
I’m not, of course, challenging the Almighty to put a halt to my lucrative endeavor. ‘Tis a foolish man indeed who tilts at the omniscent and all-powerful. But all respect to the big man upstairs, The Bible can be a bit of a dry read, no? Lots of preachy rules to live by and do-unto-others and all that blather. Look, if I wanted to get talked down to while acquiring valuable life lessons, I’d join the Army, outside of wartime. But if I’m reading it’s cause I want fun and excitement and ha-cha-cha-cha while still not making eye contact on the train. And The Bible just doesn’t do that for me, or for the world at large.
The Bible, Part II will deliver all this and more! It might not just be the King of Kings returning on Dissension Thursday (named as such because people won’t be in much agreement about what’s happen, but also because he descends, and there’s no appropriate word for it. Oh, and because it’s on a Thursday). Maybe we’ll bring back Judas as his arch-nemesis! Maybe Moses will return, with his magical Water Splicing powers! He can bring the amazing Ruth, and her ability to sodiumize anyone who glances at her askance, as well as being able to flavor food with the flick of a wrist! John the Baptist riding across the land to spread the good word and a when-deserved ass-whipping, whilst holding his noggin in his hand (done with all due respect and dignity, of course)! Man oh man, this is going to be some kind of book! I wish someone else was writing it so I just had to look forward to reading it, instead of dreading having to write it and incur the wrath of zealots everywhere! Damn!
The Bible, Part II is due out in the winter of 2029, at the earliest.