Category Archives: humor

December 17, 2008 · 1:44 am

Reckoning Day Has Arrived for Santa and Rudolph

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is decidedly average. Yes, I’m talking about the Rankin/ Bass, claymation Rudolph, with Hermie the aspiring dentist elf and Yukon the man mountain prospector and the Abominable Snow Monster and all that jazz. It’s really average. Heck, I’d be tempted to go so far as to say it’s not terribly good at all, if it weren’t for Burl Ives as the snowman narrator and the fun songs. But the work as a whole? Not the best.

Now, hold on a second, before you go darting away from this blasphemy, hear me out. The main problem when tackling any subject so famed and beloved is that a) everyone has already seen it, so no one is really reading your review to decide whether or not they should watch it and b) for the most part, everyone has seen it a thousand times, and thus lost any objectivity toward the subject. So step back for a second and imagine this is the first time you’re hearing this story. Take the song out of the equation as well, and just focus on this cracked tale of the North Pole. Continue reading →

4 Comments

Filed under humor, Movies, Television

Tagged as Abominable Snow Monster, Bumble, Burl Ives, Christmas, Hermie the Elf, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Tropic Thunder, Yukon

September 26, 2008 · 8:30 pm

A Letter From My Unborn Child

Written in direct response to my earlier Letter to My Unborn Child.

Dear Sir,

I have received your recent letter, and while it was nice to hear from you finally needless to say I’m somewhat taken aback at your tone. I have to decry your attitude towards me, your still unconceived offspring, and toward parenthood in general, as being surprisingly awful and offensive. Any plans I may have had for a life as your child are now officially, indefinitely on hold. I’ve refunded my ticket on the Womb Express, and have cancelled my massive binky order from Binkys N Things. Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under humor

September 25, 2008 · 11:41 pm

The Candidate Interviewed by the Authoring Auctioneer

John Savo, the force of nature responsible for The Authoring Auctioneer, has been a likeable acquaintance of mine for some time, and an unlikeable one even longer. We grew up together in the mines, unearthing coal in the PA tunnels and owing our souls to the company store like many generations before us. Somewhere along the way, this guy got blogging and drinking enough to qualify as middle class, and next thing you know he’s spending more time in Olyphant than is recommended for one’s health and calling it a life. Strange, I know. Recently, he contacted me with hopes of conducting an interview regarding my rousing campaign for the Presidency in 2016. After many consultations with my legal team (i.e. my girlfriend and my lunatic upstairs neighbor), I agreed.

: Your day-job involves processing insurance claims. This is your first qualifiction to be President of these United States.

: Nothing prepares you to sympathize with the plight of the common man like working in medical insurance. I suppose it would be better to be an oil man? Or a golddigger? Not that I’m against golddigging – fine sport, really. But really, besides education, money, real world experience, poise, and a zest for young interns, what do politicians have? Nothing that you don’t find in your average claims processor. Let’s not discount the years I spent working in the mall either, slick. That’s real f*ckin’ life right there. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Correspondence, humor, Politics, Television

Tagged as 2016 Election, 2016 Presidency, American Monarchy, Barack Obama, Blue Moon, Canada, Iran, John McCain, Judge Reinhold, Judge Wapner, Korea, Palpatine, Presidential Election, Taco Bell, Tornadoes, Two and a Half Men, White Bread

September 24, 2008 · 12:34 am

The Last Good Day for This Haircut

Well, I’ve reached it. This is the end. I’ve run with it as long as I can, and now I’m here. This is the last good day for this haircut. As hair tends to do, its been growing the last few weeks and has now destroyed what was originally constructed on my head by the Korean lady at Supercuts. Yep, it’s pretty much through. From here onward it’s an inevitability that I’ll just have to get it cut again, and in the meantime I’ll be trying to just make it look passable. Good is out of the question.

Cause really, even if I wanted to redesign myself as some manner of shaggy long hair, there would be a pretty severe learning curve while I determined how the hell exactly to make that scheme function on this old head. I ain’t no Giuseppe Franco, I tell you what. Even in the first week or two after visiting with shears I still have days where I don’t know what the Christ is happening up there. It’s all over the place, and getting thinner, so my follicle problems are multifold most days. Continue reading →

4 Comments

Filed under humor, Life

Tagged as Koreans, Oscar Wilde, Self Haircut, Supercuts, The Importance of Being Earnest

September 23, 2008 · 12:29 am

Rejected Titles for My New Book

With 85,000 words down and only 10,000 or so to go, I figured it was time to start throwing out titles for the new book, just to see what the brass thought. The last one went through dozens of names before we (mostly) agreed on The Sunshine Man, even though in retrospect something more appealing to the public should probably have been sought. I say this as I still have two thousand copies of Sunshine sitting in a garage I rent out for the purpose in Wyalusing, PA. If you want one, just go grab it. I leave the padlock undone on purpose, so there’s no need to call the cops. Take as many as you like.

Anyway, this book naming business has long been my Achilles’ heel, and as this new book doesn’t have a snappy character or town name that immediately would lend itself to front the tale, I’ve had to go through a great many volleys with the people at Histrionic Press, my publisher. Here is where we’ve been so far: Continue reading →

4 Comments

Filed under humor, Publishing, Writing

Tagged as Agent, Book naming, Dickens, Editor, Joni Mitchell, Keats, Milton, Publishing, Rear Admiral, Sunshine Man, Topeka, Writing, Wyalusing

September 5, 2008 · 1:28 am

The Life of J. Flagler Brownstone

The following is our first attempt in short form biography here at K.U., to later be used to prove non-fiction crafting ability, secure employment for the author, and then lord it over lesser biographers who couldn’t do either of the previous.

The Brownstone homestead in Sandusky

On a balmy day in May with the clocks all striking fourteen, the toddler J. Flagler Brownstone took his first step, off the family porch in Sandusky, Ohio, and broke his leg in two places. This wouldn’t heal properly, due to the lackluster medical attention of his live-in besotted uncle Manfred Poxx, and would ultimately give Brownstone his trademark limp. It would also allow him to wield a sword cane with great dexterity from his childhood on, a skill that would come in particularly handy when he had to kill his uncle many years later. Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under humor, Writing

Tagged as Biography, Flagstoner, Ohio, Prison, Sandusky, The Price is Right

August 29, 2008 · 1:22 am

Great Moments in Death Pool History

Since its inception the Death Pool has been one of the world’s most popular sporting events. Celebrity deaths are as much a staple of sporting life in history as the discus, the marathon, and the New Orleans Hornets. They have the ability to bring people together in sorrow, but also in thrilling elation when your team grabs the points for a recent corpse and contends for the DPE championship trophy, the Tin Mickey cup. There are have been controversies (Team Baguette owner Charles Guiteau assassinating President Garfield in 1881 comes to mind), but by and large the DPE has been riveting, enthralling, wholesome entertainment.

Some of the most memorable moments in Pool history are reminisced over and argued about from generation to generation, at Christmas dinner, over a pint at the pub, in the bleachers at team stadiums around the globe, and everywhere in between. Let’s look at some of those unforgettable moments and match ups now, shall we? Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under humor

Tagged as Carl Maria von Weber, Charles Guiteau, Death Pool, Elvis Presley, Groucho Marx, John Adams, Mother Teresa, President Garfield, Princess Diana, Rasputin, Thomas Jefferson

August 25, 2008 · 2:27 am

Everything’s Coming Up Scranton!

Long a stronghold of mediocrity and disappointment, Scranton, Pennsylvania has recently enjoyed a resurgence of prominence, thanks regionally to the election of Bob Casey Jr. to the U.S. Senate, and nationally to the success of NBC’s sitcom The Office. But now Scranton has a chance to really snatch the brass ring, as local boy Joe Biden has been selected as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, and life virtually has ceased making sense for this guy.

The Vice President! Of the United States of America! All of them! From Scranton! I know, at first it seems an illogical and impossible concept. Scranton? That depressed town destroyed by the loss of coal as viable fuel? A place devoid of industry, culture and general respect? More a punchline than virtually anywhere in the nation, besides Cleveland and New Jersey? The home of the Pennsylvania Polka? Scranton?! Continue reading →

10 Comments

Filed under humor, Politics

Tagged as Aaron Burr, Barack Obama, Bob Casey Jr., Charles Fairbanks, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Elbridge Gerry, Garret Hobart, Gerry McNamara, Jason Miller, Joe Biden, Michael Scott, Scranton, Spiro Agnew, The Office, Vice President

August 21, 2008 · 12:31 am

A Letter to My Alma Mater

Dear Keystone College,

Hey, how’ve you been? Long time no see! Looking forward to another school year, huh? It’s just about that time again. Ah, Keystone, we had some great times, didn’t we? I almost miss you, undergrad.

So anyway, I’m not just writing to shoot the fat and chew the breeze. As you may or may not be aware, I’ve recently attained a fair amount of success in life, what with my burgeoning political career, my advanced degree in creative writing, my relocation halfway across the country, and my complete avoidance of any crippling drug dependencies. Yes sirree, I’m an exemplary alumnus to such an extraordinary degree that I think you should benefit. Continue reading →

11 Comments

Filed under College, Correspondence, humor, Writing

Tagged as Commencement, Correspondence, Graduate, Graduation, Graduation Ceremony, Horseradish, Keystone College, Milwaukee's Best, Students, Sunshine Man

August 19, 2008 · 1:07 am

Worst of All, Ghostbusters was Sold Out!

Inspired by The Authoring Auctioneer’s recent article found here.

Given the opportunity, people getting paid to do something for you will invariably let you down in some way. Whether it’s a movie theater usher or a barista (which is destined for inclusion on a list of words I hate) or your run-of-the-mill waiter or waitress, if you are forking over bucks for virtually anything, you are thusly entitled to find fault with their performance. It’s part of the transaction, really. You get a cup of coffee or 3D glasses or a foot massage, and you get the right to bitch and complain about this servant of yours. And they should suck it up and enjoy it, that’s there role in things, right?

My tale comes straight out of the bowels of history, stretching back to that distant memory that is Saturday, in the month known as This in the week remembered fondly by those who lived it as Last. I was with the girlfriend and the Munchagogo at a bar/pizza place watching the Olympics in a hurried rush before trying to catch the midnight showing of the 1984 classic Ghostbusters, which we wouldn’t end up making it to before the Sold Out sign was hung in our faces by the management. Continue reading →

7 Comments

Filed under Dining, humor, Life, Work

Tagged as Baristas, Beijing, Diet Soda, Ghostbusters, Pizza, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, the Olympics, Tipping, Waiters, Waitresses, Woody Allen

August 15, 2008 · 4:47 am

The Great Eunuch Uprising of 476 A.D.

As we all know, the Fall of the Roman Empire is considered to have taken place on or about September 4th of 476 A.D. when the last Western Roman Emperor Romulus Augustus was deposed by the general Odoacer, which in essence kicked off the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, the heyday of the Byzantine Empire, and ultimately, the Bubonic Plague, the Red Menace, and the Slipper That Ate Chicago. Fun stuff. But what has been lost by history is how this was able to take place at all, or moreover, how it all began. Directly enough, the Fall of the Roman Empire was caused by the Great Eunuch Uprising of 476. Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under History, humor

Tagged as Anabaptists, Eunuchs, humor, Huns, Julius Nepos, Odoacer, Roman Empire, Rome, Romulus Augustus, The Fall of the Roman Empire, Vandals, Visigoths

August 12, 2008 · 4:58 am

My Children Suck!

I’m not sure how old my daughter is at this point – gotta be in her late teens, I’d guess – but she has already reached an advanced developmental stage of turning out a right bitch. Walking around with her pug nose in the air, eight pounds of make-up giving her that extra bit of whorehouse flavor, too good to even say hello to the old man when she passes me in the hallway. My asshole daughter Kelly is fast on her way to being the town bicycle, which everyone gets to take free rides on. The hell with her, that no good cu- oh, wait, Kelly’s her sister – Sandy’s the slutty one. Yeah, the hell with Sandy.

But Kelly’s no walk in the goddamn park either. That rotten, Ben Gay smelling troll takes after her sister with the attitude, but at least I don’t have to worry about her getting knocked up by some skin tag with an erection. No guy with half a brain or eyesight would touch that monster kid of mine. But even if you could somehow overlook her gross ass appearance, she also happens to be just about the meanest pig-tailed, pig-faced demon seed alive. Her brother Todd is lucky to still be breathing after all the beatings and torture Kelly laid on him over the years. More about that douche son of mine in a bit though. Me and the old lady really dropped the ball not drowning that fucking Kelly straight out of the womb. The world will suffer more and more everyday for our mistake. Continue reading →

6 Comments

Filed under humor, Life, Parenting

Tagged as Bastards, Ben Gay, Bitches, Children, Jesus, Kids, Mary Magdalene, New Mexico, Parenting, She-males, Sluts, the Challenger Disaster, Tijuana, Whores

August 11, 2008 · 5:15 am

Stunning New Campaign Poster!

5 Comments

Filed under humor, Politics, Work

Tagged as 2016 Election, 2016 Presidency, Campaign poster, Presidential Campaign, Presidential Election

August 8, 2008 · 4:38 am

John McCain Claims He Was in Predator, Too

With various polls showing him trailing Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama by a substantial margin, Republican nominee John McCain made a stunning announcement yesterday that he too appeared in the 1987 sci-fi action hit Predator, along side future governors Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, with hopes that this would convince young voters that he was not only qualified for the Presidency, but also that he was “cool,” “hip,” and “with it.”

“I have been reluctant to share the details of my involvement in the film for many years,” McCain told a surprised crowd at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver. “This is mostly because filming occurred during my first run for the Senate, and I thought it would reflect badly if the people of Arizona knew I was skipping off to Mexico for weeks at a time to make this action film. But yes, I too was in Predator. No one has recognized this all these years because I, in fact, was the Predator.”

"Six hours in the make-up chair, every day."

Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under humor, News, Politics

Tagged as 2008 Election, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, Danny Glover, Howard Dean, humor, Jesse Ventura, John McCain, John McTiernan, Kevin Peter Hall, Mike Huckabee, Predator, Predator 2, President, Satire, Sonny Landham, Tim Pawlenty, Vice President

August 6, 2008 · 4:51 am

Our Ever Evolving Campaign Platform

As Team Cetta continues to solicit for advice and bribes, the campaign itself has begun to develop and adjust its opinions on the issues of the day. I would like to announce first off that we’ve decided to alter the one concrete stance taken thus far and state that we are now unequivocally Pro-Clown. After some deep soul searching, plus the truckload of honking noses and unicycles generously donated to the warchest, we chose to support clown efforts worldwide, despite the villainy of the Joker.