The Great Eunuch Uprising of 476 A.D.

As we all know, the Fall of the Roman Empire is considered to have taken place on or about September 4th of 476 A.D. when the last Western Roman Emperor Romulus Augustus was deposed by the general Odoacer, which in essence kicked off the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, the heyday of the Byzantine Empire, and ultimately, the Bubonic Plague, the Red Menace, and the Slipper That Ate Chicago.  Fun stuff.  But what has been lost by history is how this was able to take place at all, or moreover, how it all began.  Directly enough, the Fall of the Roman Empire was caused by the Great Eunuch Uprising of 476.

For some years, the Roman Empire had been in decline, being constantly besieged by outside forces, repeatedly getting sacked by the Vandals, and under constant threat by the Visigoths, the Huns, and the Anabaptists.  But it was in early 476, with twelve-year-old Romulus Augustus still alive and drawing on the throne with permanent markers that the country’s riled up eunuchs, as a group, and without prior discussion, threw off the straps of bondage and burst free from their masters, almost as a collective entity or organism, like the Redwood National Forest.

These eunuchs almost psychically agreed that they’d been taking it long enough, and after lifetimes full of rough treatment and hard servitude, revolted, lashing out with dreams fully engorged with the hope of a better tomorrow.

All were ultimately massacred, of course, but that’s beside the point.

Immediately after shuffling off their albeit lax restraints of terrycloth sashes, the eunuchs erected a series of firmly shafted towers as outposts in the city, from where they were able to strategically coordinate their orgies of mayhem.

Historians believe these eunuchs would harrass Roman soldiers with tactics including instigating minor skirmishes, only to flee before they reached a climax, and the more performance arty strategy of not getting up for squabble at all – instead just laying in the streets and fields until the soldiers lost interest.  The eunuchs common method of attack included rushing in the rear entrances of encampments with no warning, causing no little consternation and discomfort for the surprised soliders.

One particular tactic that aroused the soldiers bloodlust occurred on a day when the great viaduct was under repair.  The eunuchs again came upon the soldiers in a rush, startling them and driving them en masse under the ruptured waterway, where they were thoroughly doused, none having brought any protection by way of slicker or raincoat.  Many were laid low with head colds in subsequent days, and at least one perished of pneumonia (Confabulous the Wheezy).

The soldiers weren’t about to just roll over and take it from these eunuchs, mind you.  Hundreds were slaughtered while the rest fled into the surrounding hills, hiding largely in the woods.  This gave the eunuchs a greater area to manuever in, undercover of the thick blanket of foliage as they were.  The location also gave them access to much greater supply of wood with which to craft their huge rod-like weapons of choice.

The eunuchs began invading and penetrating the army camps with these massive battering rams, pounding the soldiers into submission with repeated thrusts in the fortifications sensitive areas.  Once the eunuchs were well satisfied, however, they had a tendency to become complacent and overly relaxed, not defending their positions adequately, and were often taken advantage of in violent measure, to the tune of many eunuchs losing their upper heads.

Led by the fearsome castrato Tintius the Flaccid, a former wine servant and court entertainer to Emperor Julius Nepos himself, they were a brazen and spontaneous gang, these eunuchs, seemingly hell-bent on instant gratification and hasty getaways.  Quickly they spent their resources, losing load after load after load of supplies and arms through hasty retreats and unplanned for complications.

Tintius was, by all accounts, not your typical garden variety eunuch.  A sadistic pederast with a marvelous singing voice, Tintius would often torture captured soldiers by blasting them in the eyes with remnants of fiery ash while seranading them with Spanish arias of mirth and gaeity.  He also became reknowned for inserting live rodents into orifices unintended for the purpose of insertion, but it isn’t known if this was done only to captives, or to friends as well. Tintius and his sidekick, Portico the Spacious, were known to double team soldiers with these cruelties until the victim begged for death, or at least a salve or lubricant to lessen the suffering.

This rampage of chaos continued for many months, the eunuchs invading every bush and hole in search of cowering Romans, creating such a distraction for the armed forces of the Empire that it progressively weakened the entire country, and by extent the world.  This was a primary factor in allowing Odoacer to ascend to power, as the guard was busy protecting the rear flanks while the Emperor played hopscotch and was killed.

These brave, perverse eunuchs were wiped out in the end, the fight taken out of them after Tintius died from suffocation in a plastic sheath in his tent one night (many believing at the hands of Portico) and their contribution was summarily forgotten from history.  But the role of the impotent warriors is undeniable in the collapse of the Roman Empire.  They are directly responsible for the mighty grasp of Rome going limp across the western world.

Never forget the Eunuch Uprising.