Monthly Archives: August 2008

August 29, 2008 · 1:22 am

Great Moments in Death Pool History

Since its inception the Death Pool has been one of the world’s most popular sporting events. Celebrity deaths are as much a staple of sporting life in history as the discus, the marathon, and the New Orleans Hornets. They have the ability to bring people together in sorrow, but also in thrilling elation when your team grabs the points for a recent corpse and contends for the DPE championship trophy, the Tin Mickey cup. There are have been controversies (Team Baguette owner Charles Guiteau assassinating President Garfield in 1881 comes to mind), but by and large the DPE has been riveting, enthralling, wholesome entertainment.

Some of the most memorable moments in Pool history are reminisced over and argued about from generation to generation, at Christmas dinner, over a pint at the pub, in the bleachers at team stadiums around the globe, and everywhere in between. Let’s look at some of those unforgettable moments and match ups now, shall we? Continue reading →

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Filed under humor

Tagged as Carl Maria von Weber, Charles Guiteau, Death Pool, Elvis Presley, Groucho Marx, John Adams, Mother Teresa, President Garfield, Princess Diana, Rasputin, Thomas Jefferson

August 25, 2008 · 2:27 am

Everything’s Coming Up Scranton!

Long a stronghold of mediocrity and disappointment, Scranton, Pennsylvania has recently enjoyed a resurgence of prominence, thanks regionally to the election of Bob Casey Jr. to the U.S. Senate, and nationally to the success of NBC’s sitcom The Office. But now Scranton has a chance to really snatch the brass ring, as local boy Joe Biden has been selected as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, and life virtually has ceased making sense for this guy.

The Vice President! Of the United States of America! All of them! From Scranton! I know, at first it seems an illogical and impossible concept. Scranton? That depressed town destroyed by the loss of coal as viable fuel? A place devoid of industry, culture and general respect? More a punchline than virtually anywhere in the nation, besides Cleveland and New Jersey? The home of the Pennsylvania Polka? Scranton?! Continue reading →

10 Comments

Filed under humor, Politics

Tagged as Aaron Burr, Barack Obama, Bob Casey Jr., Charles Fairbanks, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Elbridge Gerry, Garret Hobart, Gerry McNamara, Jason Miller, Joe Biden, Michael Scott, Scranton, Spiro Agnew, The Office, Vice President

August 21, 2008 · 12:31 am

A Letter to My Alma Mater

Dear Keystone College,

Hey, how’ve you been? Long time no see! Looking forward to another school year, huh? It’s just about that time again. Ah, Keystone, we had some great times, didn’t we? I almost miss you, undergrad.

So anyway, I’m not just writing to shoot the fat and chew the breeze. As you may or may not be aware, I’ve recently attained a fair amount of success in life, what with my burgeoning political career, my advanced degree in creative writing, my relocation halfway across the country, and my complete avoidance of any crippling drug dependencies. Yes sirree, I’m an exemplary alumnus to such an extraordinary degree that I think you should benefit. Continue reading →

11 Comments

Filed under College, Correspondence, humor, Writing

Tagged as Commencement, Correspondence, Graduate, Graduation, Graduation Ceremony, Horseradish, Keystone College, Milwaukee's Best, Students, Sunshine Man

August 19, 2008 · 1:07 am

Worst of All, Ghostbusters was Sold Out!

Inspired by The Authoring Auctioneer’s recent article found here.

Given the opportunity, people getting paid to do something for you will invariably let you down in some way. Whether it’s a movie theater usher or a barista (which is destined for inclusion on a list of words I hate) or your run-of-the-mill waiter or waitress, if you are forking over bucks for virtually anything, you are thusly entitled to find fault with their performance. It’s part of the transaction, really. You get a cup of coffee or 3D glasses or a foot massage, and you get the right to bitch and complain about this servant of yours. And they should suck it up and enjoy it, that’s there role in things, right?

My tale comes straight out of the bowels of history, stretching back to that distant memory that is Saturday, in the month known as This in the week remembered fondly by those who lived it as Last. I was with the girlfriend and the Munchagogo at a bar/pizza place watching the Olympics in a hurried rush before trying to catch the midnight showing of the 1984 classic Ghostbusters, which we wouldn’t end up making it to before the Sold Out sign was hung in our faces by the management. Continue reading →

7 Comments

Filed under Dining, humor, Life, Work

Tagged as Baristas, Beijing, Diet Soda, Ghostbusters, Pizza, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, the Olympics, Tipping, Waiters, Waitresses, Woody Allen

August 15, 2008 · 4:47 am

The Great Eunuch Uprising of 476 A.D.

As we all know, the Fall of the Roman Empire is considered to have taken place on or about September 4th of 476 A.D. when the last Western Roman Emperor Romulus Augustus was deposed by the general Odoacer, which in essence kicked off the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, the heyday of the Byzantine Empire, and ultimately, the Bubonic Plague, the Red Menace, and the Slipper That Ate Chicago. Fun stuff. But what has been lost by history is how this was able to take place at all, or moreover, how it all began. Directly enough, the Fall of the Roman Empire was caused by the Great Eunuch Uprising of 476. Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under History, humor

Tagged as Anabaptists, Eunuchs, humor, Huns, Julius Nepos, Odoacer, Roman Empire, Rome, Romulus Augustus, The Fall of the Roman Empire, Vandals, Visigoths

August 12, 2008 · 4:58 am

My Children Suck!

I’m not sure how old my daughter is at this point – gotta be in her late teens, I’d guess – but she has already reached an advanced developmental stage of turning out a right bitch. Walking around with her pug nose in the air, eight pounds of make-up giving her that extra bit of whorehouse flavor, too good to even say hello to the old man when she passes me in the hallway. My asshole daughter Kelly is fast on her way to being the town bicycle, which everyone gets to take free rides on. The hell with her, that no good cu- oh, wait, Kelly’s her sister – Sandy’s the slutty one. Yeah, the hell with Sandy.

But Kelly’s no walk in the goddamn park either. That rotten, Ben Gay smelling troll takes after her sister with the attitude, but at least I don’t have to worry about her getting knocked up by some skin tag with an erection. No guy with half a brain or eyesight would touch that monster kid of mine. But even if you could somehow overlook her gross ass appearance, she also happens to be just about the meanest pig-tailed, pig-faced demon seed alive. Her brother Todd is lucky to still be breathing after all the beatings and torture Kelly laid on him over the years. More about that douche son of mine in a bit though. Me and the old lady really dropped the ball not drowning that fucking Kelly straight out of the womb. The world will suffer more and more everyday for our mistake. Continue reading →

6 Comments

Filed under humor, Life, Parenting

Tagged as Bastards, Ben Gay, Bitches, Children, Jesus, Kids, Mary Magdalene, New Mexico, Parenting, She-males, Sluts, the Challenger Disaster, Tijuana, Whores

August 11, 2008 · 5:15 am

Stunning New Campaign Poster!

5 Comments

Filed under humor, Politics, Work

Tagged as 2016 Election, 2016 Presidency, Campaign poster, Presidential Campaign, Presidential Election

August 8, 2008 · 4:38 am

John McCain Claims He Was in Predator, Too

With various polls showing him trailing Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama by a substantial margin, Republican nominee John McCain made a stunning announcement yesterday that he too appeared in the 1987 sci-fi action hit Predator, along side future governors Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, with hopes that this would convince young voters that he was not only qualified for the Presidency, but also that he was “cool,” “hip,” and “with it.”

“I have been reluctant to share the details of my involvement in the film for many years,” McCain told a surprised crowd at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver. “This is mostly because filming occurred during my first run for the Senate, and I thought it would reflect badly if the people of Arizona knew I was skipping off to Mexico for weeks at a time to make this action film. But yes, I too was in Predator. No one has recognized this all these years because I, in fact, was the Predator.”

"Six hours in the make-up chair, every day."

Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under humor, News, Politics

Tagged as 2008 Election, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, Danny Glover, Howard Dean, humor, Jesse Ventura, John McCain, John McTiernan, Kevin Peter Hall, Mike Huckabee, Predator, Predator 2, President, Satire, Sonny Landham, Tim Pawlenty, Vice President

August 6, 2008 · 4:51 am

Our Ever Evolving Campaign Platform

As Team Cetta continues to solicit for advice and bribes, the campaign itself has begun to develop and adjust its opinions on the issues of the day. I would like to announce first off that we’ve decided to alter the one concrete stance taken thus far and state that we are now unequivocally Pro-Clown. After some deep soul searching, plus the truckload of honking noses and unicycles generously donated to the warchest, we chose to support clown efforts worldwide, despite the villainy of the Joker.

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under humor, Politics

Tagged as 2016 Election, Clowns, Joker, President, Presidential Campaign, The Dark Knight, Tornadoes, Wheat Bread

August 4, 2008 · 3:30 am

300 Unlikely Jobs, Titles, and Positions for This Guy

Believe it or not, I’ve found there are certain employment opportunities out there that I’m not suited for. Whether you know me or not, this should come as no surprise. Rare is the person who can just step into any temp agency and qualify for the whole board of available listings. So, with that in mind, here is a list I’ve compiled of 300 jobs, titles, and positions that I am extremely unlikely to ever have in this lifetime. Of course, feel free to add to it, as this is a remarkably brief list, considering the guy in question:

1. Baker Street Irregular

2. Donkey puncher

3. Fluffer

4. Ghostbuster
5. Assistant to the Regional Manager
6. Head Writer for Two and a Half Men
7. Lead Phlebotomist at Geisinger in Danville
8. Sous Chef

9. Patron saint of mediocrities

10. Designated Hitter for the Cincinnati Reds
11. Beer Vendor at Ebbets Field
12. Dean of Admissions at the Sorbonne
13. Office of the Exchequer clerk
14. Miss Teen U.S.A.
15. Center for the Charlotte Hornets

16. Captain X-Ray Specs
17. Longshoreman on Lake Scranton
18. Understudy for the Monster – Young Frankenstein on Broadway
19. Rubik’s Cube champion
20. Crystal manufacturer at Folger’s Continue reading →

Speech to the Shareholders at the Annual Meeting

The transcript of the annual May & Muhn Manufacturing Company stockholders meeting, May 3rd, 2008:

The meeting will come to order. Would everyone please be seated? Please? Come on, the bagel cart will still be there when I’m done. Oh, it won’t? Well anyway, welcome, shareholders, I’m glad to see so many of you made the effort to be here today. I’m surprised, actually, I didn’t know you’d find the place. My assistant accidentally put the wrong address on the invites, I’m sure you noticed, haha. It said we’d be in Springfield, Massachusetts, but you still found your way here, to Illinois. How industrious of you all.

I’m sure you’re all wondering after the well being of the board of directors. Rest assured, they are being treated very well, and can finally receive visitors and spend up to an hour a day in the yard. Their interrogation went on longer than expected before they fessed up to their alleged crimes, and now they are being fed human food and are in the general population up in Joliet. So that’s good news, huh? Continue reading →