Category Archives: humor

November 7, 2013 · 6:48 pm

The World’s 25 Sexiest People (Architects Edition!)

13888770-silhouette-of-lying-sexy-womanAfter an exhaustive worldwide voting process, months of compiling the data, endless quantifying, countless debates, and at least one lawsuit (still pending!), we here at Knowingly Undersold are prepared to share our first World’s Sexiest People (Architects Edition) list! These 25 individuals from around the globe epitomize the raw sensuality and animal magnetism largely identified with rock stars and screen idols, but these folks spent their halcyon days figuring on the best placement for your west staircase, and how many bathrooms could be crammed into a metropolitan art museum. These are the cream of the crop! Get your office pools ready, because here we go!

In no particular order:

Wiel Arets

Wiel Arets

Born: Netherlands, 1955

Sexiest work: Euroborg Stadium, Groningen

Interests: Obtuse angles, licorice whips Continue reading →

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November 6, 2013 · 8:31 pm

Uh Oh, I Better Find That Voodoo Doll, Stat

voodoo pins

Voodoo Pete

Where the hell is it? I left it right here! Did the dog run off with it again? I think I would’ve felt that. What made me think it would be such a funny idea to have a voodoo doll of myself laying around? Christ, I’m such an idiot sometimes.

It’s not in the safe. It’s not in the refrigerator. I feel kinda sweaty…oven? Microwave? Nope. Why am I so wet? And what is that smell? Smells like…alcohol? Rubbing alcohol? Whiskey? Continue reading →

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November 5, 2013 · 3:35 pm

The Knowingly Undersold 2013 World Series Report!

World-Series1Hoo-boy! This year’s fall classic was a real humdinger! Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, winning their eighth championship, and third in the last ten years, four games to two! And what games! Exciting! Riveting! And Knowingly Undersold was there!

That’s right, for the first time, our crack reporting team was on hand to witness the glory and grandeur of America’s pastime up close! Now, for reasons of transparency, it is worth noting that our travel and entertainment budget would not possibly have been able to include plane trips and hotels in Boston and St. Louis from our home base in Chicago, therefore only one game was actually attended. But what a game! Game Three! Let’s go now to that report, covering all the excitement of the 109th World Series! Continue reading →

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October 31, 2013 · 11:23 pm

Hell’s Mustache

Someone is illegally parked and owes me a shot

Someone is illegally parked and owes me a shot

It all began way, way back in the early a.m. of October the 31st, with boys and girls still safe in their beds, dreaming of all the glorious face paint required for their respective Mikhail Gorbachev and Mystique costumes. Pumpkins were carved, candy dishes with stocked, and the tramps had hunted down their sexy meter maid outfits. It was Halloween as usual.

Except for me. You see, in years past, I found only too late that I wished I had a mountain of facial hair to play with if needed for a costume. You can’t decide to be a convincing Magnum P.I. if you start the growing on United Nations Day (hint: October 24th). You’ve got to be shunning the Norelco at least from German Unity Day (hint: October 3rd)! So, I abandoned all razoring, shelved the Old Spice and let the hirsuteness free.

Total beard growth, just in case. I mean, why not? The options are awesome with the woolly cheek blanket stretching ear-to-ear. Do I go as the greatest drunk president in history, Ulysses S. Grant? Tap into my inner poet as Alan Ginsberg? Roll out the Hagrid?! As of Tuesday, I was still very excited at the prospects. Continue reading →

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October 23, 2013 · 4:37 pm

Paris! or How I Failed at Vacation, Photographically Speaking

Ah, Paris! The City of Lights! It really is a gorgeous sight to behold. But you wouldn’t know it looking at our photographs. I don’t know what the hell happened to my skills behind the lens, maybe it was that long flight, maybe it was all the wine, but man, these pictures le suck! Hugely disappointing. Still! I didn’t want to deprive anyone of all the highlights of our glorious adventures in ancient France, so here we go!

Um.

Um.

Jesus. We took so many goddamn pictures of the Eiffel Tower, and do you think any of them came out worth a damn? Wait, here’s another one:

Les balls!

Les balls!

Continue reading →

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October 21, 2013 · 9:18 pm

This Bonkers New Cover Will Boost Book Sales, Right?

But what do I slap on there? The original cover was intended to give the messy 33% Non-Fictional story a sort of textbook feel. Thus, the template with the generic layout, the non-expressive font, and the totally uninteresting subtitling.

I still like it, don't get me wrong

I still like it, don’t get me wrong

Plus, there’s the index at the back of the book, to add to this textbook vibe, providing easy access to all the Antony and Cleopatra and cheap hand job references.

It's helped scholars and perverts immensely

It’s helped scholars and perverts immensely

Continue reading →

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October 10, 2013 · 5:29 pm

Finally, My Cell Phone Got Hacked! Pics! Totally NNSFW (Not Not Safe For Work)!

Oh, I’ve finally hit the big time! You know you’ve made it in America when the hackerazzi infiltrate your smart phone bunker and commence with the plundering! My email account is largely fine, my Twitter is locked up secure, but my cell phone was roundly violated within a byte of its life! Just like Paris Hilton – my privacy has been all sorts of invaded! Hooray!

I'm thinking of getting some work done, needed Before on record

I’m thinking of getting some work done, needed Before on record

I can only imagine the hacker disgust on display when they investigated my photo albums. Hoping for salacious nudes, or at least blackmailable idiocy, they instead got my dentist chair selfies from last week. No one is going to want to see that, dumdum!

Practically porn, I know

Practically porn, I know

Looking for something to use against me, they plodded onward, deeper into my delicate folders, kicking over stones and thumbing through the file cabinets. What did they turn up, to shame me for all times? Naturally, gelato pics! They comprise most of my phone memory at all times! Continue reading →

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October 1, 2013 · 9:46 pm

What the Government Shutdown Means For You

Budget BattleLook everyone, I know you’re scared. You’re confused and bewildered by the bombardment of conflicting information from your Facebook friends, and you’re not sure where else to turn. Some of you are uninsured, unemployed, left-handed, and short. You’ve got year-old shoes and month-old cheese, and Wheel of Fortune doesn’t seem to be interested in allowing you to vowel your way to riches. This is a frightening time.  Well, I’m here to help.

Due to my job, I’m in a unique position to fill the gaps in your knowledge and answer your questions about healthcare, government, and America (For those who aren’t aware, I work in the bandage and poultice industry, mainly as a lab rat). Here are some concerns that I’ve heard: Continue reading →

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September 27, 2013 · 4:14 pm

Help, NSA! I Need My Old WebTV Emails!

Honest to God, I got the shakes a little at the sight of this goddamn thing again

Honest to God, I got the shakes a little at the sight of this goddamn thing again

I hope that got the proper attention! So here’s the thing, NSA, I saw a story today about how some of your employees dating back like 14 years used their hammer-of-God surveillance powers to snoop on their sex partners and future ex-spouses. And goddammit, I admire that sort of forthrightness and go-getter ingenuity when it comes to spying on the rotten cheaters in your lives. The story did not cough up details about who turned out to be doing what with whom, which is in turn dry and unsatisfying, but come on, you had an inkling that back alley shenanigans were taking place, so undoubtedly you being intelligence operatives were correct and just needed that little bit of intel to verify. Bully for you, watchdogs! Continue reading →

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September 20, 2013 · 1:06 pm

I Wonder If I Have a Concussion

Concussion ClinicOoof! Jiminy! That was some crack on the noggin there! Ouch. Damn. Gotta fix those hinges. I better get some ice.

I wonder where the WD-40 is? I thought I left it…wait a minute. It wouldn’t be in the shower. Why did I think I left it in the shower? What am I doing in the shower? And where are my pants all of a sudden?

I’ve gotta sit down. Man my head hurts. Aspirin. This ice bag is really cold, I should get a towel or something and wrap around it. Where is that towel? And when did all this ice melt? This is just a bag of water. I just got the cubes out of the…is that clock right? Continue reading →

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September 19, 2013 · 12:14 pm

Pitching My Teen Wolf Sequel

(My general opinion and thoughts about the seminal boy/wolf/baller film Teen Wolf greatly color my plans for a true sequel. While not necessary, reading my breakdown of the original film may prove enlightening for some.)

Teen Wolf“You know, there already was a sequel to Teen Wolf.”

“Seriously? Teen Wolf Too has about as much to do with the original Teen Wolf as that lousy MTV show does. No, I mean a real, honest-to-God sequel following the events of the first film. But, you know, set today, so that you can get the same actors.”

“Some of the same actors from the original were in Teen Wolf Too.”

“Shut up about Teen Wolf Too! Was Scott Howard in Teen Wolf Too? Was Boof?!”

“Okay, okay.” Continue reading →

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September 17, 2013 · 12:06 pm

Dude, Your First Draft is Way, Way, Way Too Long

Gah! Not good, Dostoyevsky!

Gah! Not good, Dostoyevsky!

You’ve spent the better part of a decade laboring over handwritten notes, turning them into an epic narrative that saw it outlive three different personal computers, four jobs, three apartments, six girlfriends, two cars, and eighteen fish. You snuck off on lunch breaks to work on it, zoned out of conference calls, paid no attention while your roommates watched all of Breaking Bad, and now where are you? You’re 175,000 words completed, and the only thing that can be said is your book is way, way too long.

What the hell were you thinking? Did you really need 500 pages to tell the story of some sad consignment store owner looking for love and meaning in his humdrum Grand Rapids life? And no, it doesn’t matter if its great, it really doesn’t. You’re not Jonathan Franzen, and you will never get the opportunity to tell Oprah to go screw herself. You wrote this goddamn opera of commerce and innuendo, and you want to slay forests to get it five inches from the faces of housewives the world over, right? Well then it’s time to make with the editing, Charlie, and don’t be a pussy about it. Continue reading →

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September 16, 2013 · 12:45 pm

Carson Daly Joins ‘Today,’ My Quality of Life Plummets

Carson-DalyBad news, America. That late night punching bag and former teen idol with approximately zero talent and charisma, Carson Jones Daly (the man of three last names) is joining The Today Show. Oh sure, this has no real impact on your daily life (or your Daly life). I’m sure you had some vague awareness that the old MTV host was still on television somewhere, and didn’t really care. He’s had a late late night talk show for over a decade, and he functions as the poor man’s Ryan Seacrest on The Voice.

So why is this such bad news? Oh, allow me to explain. Nearly the entirety of my college career saw Total Request Live playing in the afternoons in the Den, the sort-of campus lounge, where you could still smoke and bitch about having nothing to protest. It was at this time that my striking resemblance to the idiot host of this program was first mentioned. Continue reading →

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September 12, 2013 · 4:03 pm

Today’s French Lesson

private-french-lessonsCulled from a variety of apps and websites designed to help you learn a new language, here were my valiant stabs at French today:

Please translate into French:

The spider is drinking some wine.

Me: What the hell?

*Repeat*

The spider is drinking some wine.

Me: Jeez. Um.

*Typing* L’ariagnee boit du vin.

INCORRECT

L’ariagnée boit du vin. Please pay attention to accents.

Me: Christ. Okay.

Please type in French: Continue reading →

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September 10, 2013 · 5:27 pm

Local Café Has the Worst Twitter Account Ever

Let’s face it, company Twitter accounts, by and large, are horrible. It’s some faceless entity with a peon employed to spread the word AND be entertaining/sociable/friendly. Anything to get people to fondly think of and remember their business. Most of these are mildly irritating and inoffensive. But recently, I discovered the one that wins the grand prize for inanity and awfulness. Cloying, pointless, and desperate, the Hanging Gardens Café hits the trifecta of aggressively marketed bullshit.

Sometimes they do post useful information, even if they immediately follow it up with self-serving questions:

HGCTWITTER1

At least that’s relevant, but then in a weird effort to spread the word about their business, they latch on to what they feel are popular trending topics:

HGCTWITTER2

They awkwardly tweet at celebrities: Continue reading →

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