Oh, I’ve finally hit the big time! You know you’ve made it in America when the hackerazzi infiltrate your smart phone bunker and commence with the plundering! My email account is largely fine, my Twitter is locked up secure, but my cell phone was roundly violated within a byte of its life! Just like Paris Hilton – my privacy has been all sorts of invaded! Hooray!
I’m thinking of getting some work done, needed Before on record
I can only imagine the hacker disgust on display when they investigated my photo albums. Hoping for salacious nudes, or at least blackmailable idiocy, they instead got my dentist chair selfies from last week. No one is going to want to see that, dumdum!
Practically porn, I know
Looking for something to use against me, they plodded onward, deeper into my delicate folders, kicking over stones and thumbing through the file cabinets. What did they turn up, to shame me for all times? Naturally, gelato pics! They comprise most of my phone memory at all times!
But this didn’t discourage the marauders like you’d expect. They didn’t just access my pictures – they dove into all areas of my Verizoning. They searched my spam folder:
Chinese sports jerseys, bullshit chat requests, Viagra – typical
They checked out my recent translations, for some mysterious reason:
You have to be prepared in Chicago
They even went through the sad collection of memes I keep on hand, for all situations! Sometimes you want that visual shorthand for texts, right? Doesn’t everyone do this? Mine are sad, yet full of truths, I know.
These two ideas are tied together in my life
It was a weird, free-for-all dissection of how I spend my cell phone time. These evil bastards wanted the goods, and they checked out everything in hopes of putting the screws to Mr. Goats. Sure, some of it is embarrassing, but was it necessary to post all my foibles online for the world to see? Without even giving me a chance to pony up a few sheckles? I guess it’s all so inconsequential and silly that the best course of action for them was shame. Well the hell with that! I’m out in front of this one! Did they check out my terrible Spotify playlists?
Funk a Go-Go is particularly awesome
Was there general mockery at the sad collection of Magazines I never read on my phone?
There certainly should have been. Time + EW = not a well rounded education
Did they sabotage my long running game of My Muppets Show?!
What the hell am I supposed to do with all these Snowths?!
They even checked out my bookmarks! What was the hope there? That I had saved bizarre death pool websites, and pictures of middle children being inappropriate?
Only Wikipedia’s deaths, and that totally respectable middle children page
But in the end they came away empty handed. What do I care if you know how much I play Spades? Why should I worry that my love for food-ordering apps becomes common knowledge? Who would be concerned about their search history being thrown on the public consciousness?
Closest ice cream is easily my most frequent request
So thank you for making me realize the interest in my day-to-day activities, cyberscum! I will try to do more interesting things on my phone in the future, to continue to drum up attention and get the word out about my proficiency in Skater Boy! This has been a great day!
Knowingly Undersold 
um it’s very important that i know what app you use to search for the closest icecream.
I’m doing it old school through Google Maps, however someone could make a fortune creating an app just for this. IceCreamFinder!
Ah, Joe. Always seeing the bright side.
Did you whiten your teeth just for that photo?
I’ve done a lot more for a lot less!