Knowingly Undersold

June 20, 2008 · 5:17 am

Thank You, Meth Lab!

The third and very likely final children’s book I’ll ever write, this one obviously wrapping up all the loose ends and plot threads that had been strung through Thank You, Bus! and Thank You, Coma!

Thank You, Meth Lab!

Joe was sad 😦
He was broke and had started working more hours to earn extra buckaroos 😦
His job was a stinking heap of no fun 😦
But what else could he do?
How does an honest lad of marginal skill and limited ambition make ends meet?
One day while lamenting the price of peas, Joe overhead some of his cube neighbors.
They were discussing the money making potential, and general coolness, of illicit drugs.
Joe liked money, and general coolness. Continue reading →

The Great Chicago Experiment

Or, as it has been popularly titled by the girlfriend, Phase 2!, Phase 1 being the 21 months she spent here surveying and building an infrastructure and training the locals to do as would be deemed worthy in a Joe+ society. And for this great city, and for this somewhat decent guy, D-Day arrived, some seventeen sunrises ago.

What has transpired since is a litany of job search engines, strategic bar infiltration, and sloth the likes of which this town hasn’t seen since the halcyon days of Big Bill Thompson and Great Depression Illinois. This guy landed with dreams of reinventing himself as some weird chimera composed of big city gumption and old World Scranton alcoholism. What has happened since is atypical for the man in question, if you have any knowledge of history, or can manage metaphorical references to Woodstock ’94, the Edsel, New Coke, or the discoveries in Al Capone’s vault. Continue reading →

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Filed under humor, Life, Work

Tagged as Al Capone's vault, Alcoholism, Applying for jobs, Big Bill Thompson, Career Builder, Chicago, Circus, Donkeys, Edsel, Episcopalians, God, Great Depression, Life, Looters, medical claims processing, Moving, New Coke, Phlebotomists, Relocating, Scranton, Total Raisin Bran, Unpacking, Vomiting, Woodstock '94, Writing, Xanadu, Zesty Taco Doritos

June 11, 2008 · 4:22 am

Thank You, Coma!

The second installment in my epic threepiece of a children’s book series, circa 2005ish:

Thank You, Coma!

Joe was sad 😦
Life had sort of failed him lately 😦
Things took a turn for the worse when he was drinking on a Tuesday 😦
He had it bad, and that ain’t good.
One night, he went to a shindig at a local university.
While there he met many pretty girls and happening dudes, many of whom were playing an insane amount of a game called beer pong.

Joe decided he wanted to try this beer pong, and hang with the pretty girls and happening dudes. Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Children's books, humor, Life

Tagged as Baltimore, beer pong, Bush, Children, Children's books, Christmas, comas, Fritos, Martha Stewart, mirth, pedicures, Red Sox, reelection, white rabbit, World Series

May 26, 2008 · 1:43 am

My Year-End Performance Review for 2007

The company I’ve just recently snuck away from has a system in place to rate your performance based on a number of incredibly pedestrian attributes they determined were most important to them. None of these, I might add, play to my strengths at work, such as killing time, maximizing lunch breaks, and making it look like I’m working full blast all day long. Also, I have to rate my own performance, based on these categories they are interested in, and so, when I fill out mid-year and year-end reviews for the appraisal, it doesn’t often play in my favor.

Most years I got Ns, for Not Meeting, Not Good, Needs Improvement, Nincompoop, etc. I’d get Ss here and there, usually for things like Participating in Pot Luck Lunches, and “Attends” Meetings. But overall, it was the big N adorning the Rating column. Still, I tried to evaluate myself based mostly on what I figured they’d want to hear, and mark areas where I was weak on the job accordingly. Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under humor, Life, Work

Tagged as medical claims processing, medical insurance claims, office work, self evaluation, Work, work evaluation, year-end review

May 23, 2008 · 10:42 pm

Thank You, Bus!

My first attempt at writing a children’s book, which has basically become a thing of legend:

Thank You, Bus!

Joe was sad. 😦
He had to work mandatory overtime. 😦
It sucked out loud. 😦
He didn’t want to have to work the mandatory overtime, but he didn’t want to go back to working at the dollar store, either.
But how could Joe get out of doing it?
Then it occurred to him.
If you were injured or had some sort of medical condition, you only had to work your regular hours. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Children's books, humor, Work

Tagged as Buses, Children, Children's books, disability, inpatient hospital stays, Scranton, Work, workers compensation

May 20, 2008 · 11:44 pm

My Resignation Letter

Given that I plan to relocate halfway across the country in a matter of days, I did what a faithful employee in good standing should and submitted a letter of resignation, giving plenty of advance notice to explain my absence, which may have gone unnoticed otherwise. What follows is the actual letter I submitted, with my manager’s name and that of the company I work for processing medical claims omitted, for obvious reasons: Continue reading →

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Filed under Correspondence, humor, Life, Work

Tagged as medical claims processing, office work, paper clips, renaming, Resignation

May 15, 2008 · 4:29 am

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear sir or madam,

So you’re my kid, huh? As I write this I am currently safe in the knowledge that I have never impregnated anyone that I’m aware of, and have no pressing interest in this activity anytime in the near future (impregnating, I mean, not the activity – er, well, you know what I mean, I hope). If you are reading this I assume that you do, in fact, exist, and therefore I must have knocked someone up and some court must have determined after a no doubt exhaustive legal battle that you are a product of my own drunken doing. So, hello.

I’m sure by this point that you are aware what a great guy I am, so I’m not about to remind you with a detailed breakdown and comprehensive history of my excellence. Let’s just say I’m awesome and leave it at that. The purpose of writing this letter to you, my supposed progeny, is to pass down some ideas direct from the horse’s mouth, as I may be old, broken-down, senile, and incontinent by the time you exist. On the other hand, if you’re going around referring to your old man as a horse, you’ll be feeling the back of my senile hand, punk! Continue reading →