Monthly Archives: May 2008

My Year-End Performance Review for 2007

The company I’ve just recently snuck away from has a system in place to rate your performance based on a number of incredibly pedestrian attributes they determined were most important to them.  None of these, I might add, play to my strengths at work, such as killing time, maximizing lunch breaks, and making it look like I’m working full blast all day long.  Also, I have to rate my own performance, based on these categories they are interested in, and so, when I fill out mid-year and year-end reviews for the appraisal, it doesn’t often play in my favor.

Most years I got Ns, for Not Meeting, Not Good, Needs Improvement, Nincompoop, etc.  I’d get Ss here and there, usually for things like Participating in Pot Luck Lunches, and “Attends” Meetings.  But overall, it was the big N adorning the Rating column.  Still, I tried to evaluate myself based mostly on what I figured they’d want to hear, and mark areas where I was weak on the job accordingly. Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Life, Work

Thank You, Bus!

My first attempt at writing a children’s book, which has basically become a thing of legend:

Thank You, Bus!

SchoolBusJoe was sad. 😦
He had to work mandatory overtime. 😦
It sucked out loud. 😦
He didn’t want to have to work the mandatory overtime, but he didn’t want to go back to working at the dollar store, either.
But how could Joe get out of doing it?
Then it occurred to him.
If you were injured or had some sort of medical condition, you only had to work your regular hours. Continue reading

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Filed under Children's books, humor, Work

My Resignation Letter

Given that I plan to relocate halfway across the country in a matter of days, I did what a faithful employee in good standing should and submitted a letter of resignation, giving plenty of advance notice to explain my absence, which may have gone unnoticed otherwise.  What follows is the actual letter I submitted, with my manager’s name and that of the company I work for processing medical claims omitted, for obvious reasons: Continue reading

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Filed under Correspondence, humor, Life, Work

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear sir or madam,

So you’re my kid, huh?  As I write this I am currently safe in the knowledge that I have never impregnated anyone that I’m aware of, and have no pressing interest in this activity anytime in the near future (impregnating, I mean, not the activity – er, well, you know what I mean, I hope).  If you are reading this I assume that you do, in fact, exist, and therefore I must have knocked someone up and some court must have determined after a no doubt exhaustive legal battle that you are a product of my own drunken doing.  So, hello.

I’m sure by this point that you are aware what a great guy I am, so I’m not about to remind you with a detailed breakdown and comprehensive history of my excellence.  Let’s just say I’m awesome and leave it at that.  The purpose of writing this letter to you, my supposed progeny, is to pass down some ideas direct from the horse’s mouth, as I may be old, broken-down, senile, and incontinent by the time you exist.  On the other hand, if you’re going around referring to your old man as a horse, you’ll be feeling the back of my senile hand, punk! Continue reading

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Filed under Correspondence, humor, Life