Today! Because there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn’t advise you to try to invade –
Directed Michael Curtiz (x2)
Starring Humphrey Bogart (x3), Ingrid Bergman (x4), Claude Rains (x2), Paul Henreid, Sydney Greenstreet (x2), Peter Lorre (x3), Conrad Veidt, Madeleine LeBeau, Dooley Wilson, S.Z. Sakall, Leonid Kinskey, John Qualen (x2)
Okay, okay, I can hear what you’re thinking:
“Oh, Casablanca? Like the greatest movie ever made is on this guy’s list? Oh, edgy choice, Joe. Way to go. Who’s in your top 100 favorite bands? Let me guess, The Beatles? Great work. Why the hell do I keep reading this thing?”
“What new is he gonna say about Casablanca? Oh, wait, I’ve got it – that the songs are great. That seems like the fun new spin he’ll throw on this. I mean, he put Evita on here, so clearly he focuses way too much on music. Maybe he’ll tell us what a great movie star Humphrey Bogart was. Maybe he’ll quote that whole final scene on the tarmac. Maybe he’ll just drown us in 500 words about Louie kicking that Vichy bottle. My goodness – Casablanca! What an asshole!”
“And he puts it at 74?! Like not only has he got the balls to ram the most famous movie in history down our throats with literally nothing new to possibly add about it, but he also puts it way out at 74 so that we can continually say to ourselves, ‘Wow, what a bold choice, putting Teen Wolf ahead of Casablanca like that. This guy is hilarious.’ He’s not hilarious! He’s a major hack!”
“Does he think people will see that Casablanca cracked this rando top 100 and say to themselves, ‘Huh, I wonder why. Let me give this thing a read and find out his insights.’ No one questions why anyone likes Casablanca! Because everyone likes it! Okay, maybe not kids nowadays, predisposed against black & white, WWII era romantic dramas, but they also aren’t reading blogs, idiot! You’re preaching to the masses, and the masses think you ain’t shit!”
“Of all the nonsense I’ve had to sit through over the last year reading this moronic column, this might be the most insulting inclusion. I mean, a lot of these movies are super famous – this dude doesn’t toil too hard in obscure cinema that, you know, might actually see some benefit from people writing about it – but man, this is a bad precedent going forward. What’s his favorite movie, Gone with the goddamn Wind? The Sound of freakin’ Music? The Wizard of mother@&%$ing Oz! And what’s with the censorship all of a sudden??”
“The hell with this guy. I’ve given him 326 chances to surprise me and he’s failed an astounding number of times – okay, I like The Bed Sitting Room, too. But Casablanca?! That’s the last straw! I’m out!”
Sorry to see you go, folks! I just like Casablanca, I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind. But I don’t like it as much as I do Teen Wolf. What do you want me to say?
This is Curtiz’s induction to the directing Two-Timers, following his work on #345 White Christmas, while Ingrid Bergman leads the way for the actors, joining the Four-Timers after roles in #374 Murder on the Orient Express, her work as Biggie’s mother in #370 1946’s Notorious, and getting edited into #302 Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.
Coming Monday! Nude women! Clowns welcome!